DID Can did be provoked by suggestion?

[shimmerz]

I'm so terrified right now that she is right.

No, she is not. I used to get that all the time as well. It's' just another form of abusive aggression.

Is your system upset because YOU don't believe it or because others don't believe it?

 

[Ronin]

I feel like I deserve pain for pretending like I have problems and not just "behaving correctly."

No, nah, don't deserve pain, and 'behaving correctly' is a demand placed by people that just can't handle the beauty of soo many 'incorrect' responses and would demand only those they are familiar with. Congratulations on breaking that box, and you don't owe it to anyone to 'behave correctly'; your correctly and your standards are way better than theirs.

But I don't want it to be real and I'm scared of what will happen regardless.

Understandable, from both sides -
Is there a middle ground?
Something like tiny pieces of real that freak people out less?

Is there any way it could be both real, and less scary?

 

[Sideways]

When I got the dealt the whole "You really do have DID" card for sure? I panicked. My parts got really loud. It was chaos for a while. I wasn't the only one struggling. All the other parts that had been living totally incognito all my life had suddenly been outed. Their cloak of secrecy that kept the whole system from falling apart had been taken away.

Our heads will grab onto anything to try and go back to the calm, the secrecy, the way it always used to hold itself together. "This isn't real" feels a bit like a lifeline. It might make me a horrible person for making all this stuff up, but it's gotta be easier than coping with the reality: it's real.

It gets easier. It really does. You and your parts will start to realise that being outed isn't going to make the world implode. And when it starts to become an opportunity, like, I can actually make my life easier now that I'm dealing with it? Things change big time.

Being told "You have ptsd" wasn't easy. But the panic of the diagnosis itself settles as we realise that the diagnosis itself doesn't do much more than give us a chance to start getting better.

Same deal here. You will be okay. The panic and the doubt will subside, and they will he replaced by opportunities to start making your life genuinely better. Just be gentle with yourself in the meantime.

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

Is your system upset because YOU don't believe it or because others don't believe it?

Both?

Some of us believe it and others deny it. Outsiders just tell us that we are fine and that is almost harder than anything, because it rally undermines the struggle to get through each day. I know that I perform well. I always have. But the effort? Astronomical. And I'm so exhausted by the effort and its getting more and more impossible to pull off as I get older and further up in my career. I just can't do it, and when it is implied that I'm just not trying hard enough all I want to do is dissolve into tears.

Understandable, from both sides -
Is there a middle ground?
Something like tiny pieces of real that freak people out less?

I don't know. I don't know what this would be. I know this is "distorted cognitions" and "black and white thinking" and I know I shouldn't do it but I honestly have absolutely no idea what the middle ground might be. And I hate myself for that inability.

Our heads will grab onto anything to try and go back to the calm, the secrecy, the way it always used to hold itself together. "This isn't real" feels a bit like a lifeline. It might make me a horrible person for making all this stuff up, but it's gotta be easier than coping with the reality: it's real.

I just want to be able to try harder and make it all go away. I'm good at that. I'm not good at this whatever this is.

I just can't do this, I don't think I can do this, I don't know if I want to do this anymore.

 

[Sideways]

I just can't do this, I don't think I can do this, I don't know if I want to do this anymore.

You can, because you've been doing it all your life.

Awareness is exhausting. So try and pull out some mindfulness every now and again. Where I am right now? And I may get shot down for suggesting something untherapeutic here: but you're allowed to ignore them. Honestly? I do that a lot. "Shut up, you're all just noise, me and my life are gonna carry on just like before for a while".

An analogy one of my past T's gave me, which is still helpful for me: treat them like kids throwing a tantrum. Sometimes you have the energy to rally, to pull them into line when they're constantly trying to get your attention. But every parent just needs a break every so often. So you tell them that they can carry on like crazy chimps, but you're off to bed, or work, or whatever, and you just give yourself a break for a while. They'll still be there when you get back, they may or may not have calmed down. Either way, ground yourself, engage in something mindless that switches your brain off (I play kids games on my ipad!), and just set the brain to Ignore.

Badly behaved kids that are always wanting attention, do need love and care and attention. But mum also needs to look after herself, and if you're just about ready to snap, find something that will just make your noggin go numb for a bit. Constant "awareness" of them all and their needs and their demands and their yelling? Sends us all batty, and time out is totally okay.

 

[shimmerz]

I know that I perform well.

My friends used to say that I was cursed with being able to look so damned competent to others. What they didn't realize was that it was all part of the system. It wasn't until the system really started breaking down that others could accurately gauge what was happening inside of me.

For myself, I feel like it was all part of the defense system that I had built. And it was a damned good one. Had me fooled even. I stand by the thought that you know you best. You know there is something going on....

Their cloak of secrecy that kept the whole system from falling apart had been taken away.

This. ^^^ This is exactly how I felt when I started that thread on structural dissociation and realized 'this is me!' It stirred me up inside beyond recognition. My head was a mess. Now? Much better. Knowing what is going on inside with ANP's and EP's etc really has helped me to manage my symptoms.

 

[Ronin]

I know I shouldn't do it

A lot people do cognitive distortions thinking without even knowing it's one. And go through their lives completely unaffected by attempts at introspection and self improvement.

Just saying: Isn't a big bad thing you need be stopping; is a perfectly human thing to be doing, and you're even aware of it, which is so much work in progress already, to have that awareness.

I'm not good at this whatever this is.

So give yourself time?

Square one with anything is exhausting, so badly, but it can either stop feeling so avalanching a person with time, or get less exhausting with actually having more ideas to deal with the issue at hand... but be patient with yourself, first.

It's not like we're handed functioning and personalized manuals what to do when our minds just literally shatter to pieces, or when they've been doing that whole lives long. A lot of docs don't even know what to do with that, would discard people as hopeless cases and what not, because it just IS a deep thing... not a hopeless thing, though.

Where you're at, right now, is alright. You don't have to do more. You're doing more than enough, and the very sign you're somehow aware of your plurality? Is progress. It means you're healing. It means some of the danger seems /less/ present, at least to the way you evaluate information on danger, because otherwise you'd still have all those pieces and not even knowing they're all a part of one whole, or relating to /your/ life and history.

Lots of words, sorry. Point being: Give yourself time, you're aware, that's good, even if not feeling good, and you /can/ do this, will do this, been doing this already.

 

[BlueOrange]

I've been away a bit. Been practicing some new coping methods that I'm not practiced with. It's been difficult and tiring.

Am starting to feel like I'm getting there. That I can participate in these forums without losing my ability to be present in my offline life.

New things are always more difficult than old things.

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

Awareness is exhausting. So try and pull out some mindfulness every now and again. Where I am right now? And I may get shot down for suggesting something untherapeutic here: but you're allowed to ignore them. Honestly? I do that a lot. "Shut up, you're all just noise, me and my life are gonna carry on just like before for a while".

I do this sometimes, but then I feel awful about it. I want them to go away on their own, you know? And even though switching is terrible sometimes, at least it means that I am only one thing - hearing them all think at once is the hardest part of all.

It's not like we're handed functioning and personalized manuals what to do when our minds just literally shatter to pieces, or when they've been doing that whole lives long.

Wouldn't that be nice?

Thank you for your support. I am trying so, so hard to handle all of this and be the best that I can be and it is really, really hard. I have an incredibly difficult time accepting less than perfect. Working on that one ...

New things are always more difficult than old things.

Isn't that true? Glad to hear that you are feeling that your healing is moving in the right direction. It can be so hard to balance everything.

 

[Ronin]

I have an incredibly difficult time accepting less than perfect.

If it helps: Less than perfect is perfect in another way.

So not so much about being perfect in the same way, but finding in what way you achieved it, or are on the way to achieve it, already. :)

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

The insiders freak out whenever it gets suggested that they aren't real. Like, scary freak out. Prove-I'm-real-by-doing-something-drastic freakout. But I don't want it to be real and I'm scared of what will happen regardless.

I know I am replying to think really late, but I just got back from an inpatient stay to get help with my DID and this line jumped out at me. I remember how that felt in the beginning. It was really scary and I did not want it to be real. I still struggle with that, but inside understands a lot more when I say it. It's more of a "I wish the bad things never happened" and "I wish life wasn't so hard" kinds of things now. In the beginning it was kind of an acceptance while being freaked out at the same time. It's hard.

 

[Keen]

You are definitely not overreacting. It's a pretty scary situation- voices appearing in your he...

Just came across this post of yours from last year and it really helped me out, thank you for it!