Can All Men Be Provoked To Violence?

[Virtues]

How am I supposed to live with someone that says these things? Am I totally unreasonable?

Should you live with someone who threatens you with violence? No absolutely not; if you feel threatened I would leave immediately, but your failure to answer the question that has been asked by several people several times in this thread "what do you mean by provoking?" leaves me to wonder if you don't have something to hide.

If you are the one physically abusing your husband and he is defending himself he is not in the wrong, but IF this is the case, perhaps you should leave before things get out of hand. You really aren't giving much context to the situation, so it's hard to give feedback. Either way violence is not the answer and one of you two need to be the bigger person and walk away before it comes to that. I know it's hard when you love someone, but you can't carry on if abuse is part of the picture.

 

[scout86]

Maybe I'm wrong, but I think anyone can be provoked to violence, under the right circumstances. I also think that there are circumstances where violence is exactly the right reaction. (And there are plenty of situations where it's not.) What you said he said, the way I took it, was nothing more than than stating what I take to be a fact. Under the right (wrong?) circumstances, anyone is capable of violence. Some people are better at finding other ways to deal with things than others. Some people see violence more as something you should never resort to than others. I guess, in your situation, if I was worried, I'd want to know what he thinks it would take to provoke him to violence. (Because it might not be what you think.)

 

[Deleted member 35429]

N

Should you live with someone who threatens you with violence? No absolutely not; if you feel threa...

No, nothing to hide here. I just posted before work and got too busy to respond.

We don't argue much but last night I was discussing(bitching?) about something and he said something offensive about me always bitching and then shut down. He stared at his phone and wouldn't respond no matter what I said so I grabbed the phone and said, "give me the courtesy of a response if you are going to start a fight like that." His instinct was to make a fist! Then he spent an hour telling me I provoked that and if it were to come to violence it would only be because I provoked him because violence is not in his nature. He said grabbing a phone is violent and I should expect a violent response if I get violent.

I kept telling him that a fist is an outrageous threat and unwarranted but he kept saying my actions of grabbing were violent.

We are fairly docile family so this is a huge deal in our house.

He knows a little about my experience with violence as an adolescent. He doesn't seem to care what a dark place it sends me to think I'm not safe in my home. He insists I need to be accountable and not grab him no matter how much he stonewalls.

 

[Virtues]

N

No, nothing to hide here. I just posted before work and got too busy to respond.

We don't argue much b...

No problem, you just have to understand this is a forum for trauma sufferers and supporters so domestic violence is not uncommon to the boards. When you didn't answer the question repeatedly it threw up some red flags.

I completely see your point of view and agree with you. That was a completely unwarranted response and I would not stand for it. You have every reason to be pissed off. It sounds to me like he knows he f*cked up and he's trying to put it back on you because he's incapable of admitting that he was wrong. (That's just what it sounds like to me). At any rate I wouldn't stand for it. I don't know how I would handle it if I were you, but I would make sure to relay the message that it was unacceptable and that it won't happen again, or there will be consequences (if not already).

 

[Deleted member 28942]

If someone were to grab my journal from me I might threaten with violence (but not really act upon it) and feel provoked. You grabbing the phone out of his hands when he was upset can be perceived as provoking. I don't think violence is justifiable but I can see his response being an angry response. Based on your post and that you've been with him 13 years and he was never violent, I think it is safe to assume that he is not violent. An advice would be for you to own your part, i.e. apologize for grabbing the phone out of his hands and ask him to apologize for threatening you with violence.

 

[illusionist]

Sounds to me that he was trying to hold back....said what he said then held his tongue....hence focusing on his phone.

Are you sure there isn't things building up?...don't expect you to answer that..but maybe something for you to think about.

If I got frustrated enough to grab my partners phone, I'd sure expect a reaction....not a fist...but a reminder of boundaries.

 

[Deleted member 35429]

If someone were to grab my journal from me I might threaten with violence (but not really act up...

This seems reasonable and is what I want to hear. It's very easy for me to lose track of what is a 'normal' response and what is abusive. I've never seen him as abusive at all but him holding me responsible for his potential violence set me off. I was beaten very badly as a teen. I still have physical problems from that. I picked the most controlled docile husband I could find and truly it's been great...but these damn comments of his make me feel so confused. I do get overly furious about being ignored and grabbing his phone is a bit excessive. I just wish so much he would say there is nothing I could do that would warrant him beating me. He won't say that instead he keeps trying to hold me accountable for provoking, it seems so abusive but I know he's not an abusive person. I guess I will let this go.

 

[Deleted member 35429]

Sounds to me that he was trying to hold back....said what he said then held his tongue....hence foc...

Yes, I suppose things are building. I appreciate you pointing that out. This is the third time this month I've been upset with him for ignoring how I feel about something. He's never asked or inquired about my traumatic history and I've been so hurt that he doesn't care to know. I feel silenced in my home and at times I want to slap the silence right off his face and force him to see what's happened.

 

[illusionist]

My partner never enquired either...which I was thankful for......he respected my speaking about it when I was ready...in the dribs and drabs I've given him over the years..been left totally in my control.

One thing I have learned....if my frustrations etc are to do with the past? I tell him that's the root of the problem, and we work from there....we have a starting point....I feel ???????? Because of ??????????

 

[illusionist]

If we don't communicate to our partners exactly how we are feeling how can we expect understanding?......I know.....easier said than done.

 

[TheMinsterman]

I am not violent, so I'd never raise some sort of caveats out of the blue where I could be. Personally.

 

[desiderata310]

hmmmm... I'm going to weigh in because I've had those same words said to me by two different men and had one man tell me that was shit.

AS far as I know, you can not make someone else DO anything. Can you say and do inflammatory things? Yes. But everyone is responsible for their own actions. preemptively blaming someone else for my own bad behavior would NOT make my behavior ok.

SO I call bull shit on that one. He needs to get a f*cking grip. It sounds like emotional manipulation to me.