littlestars
Bronze Member
Not really sure if i should date anyone ever again. I honestly mean that. My traumatic experiences have been so unreal that I can't recover in time to actually live my life. My life is a complete mess right now, but I'm actually okay. Just a bit blown apart.
My father died on Tuesday. My whole existence was determined by how that man treated me. He abused me my whole life. Unspeakable things. Criminal. Awful. Horrific. He was a sociopath. I grieve for the loss of what I never had and what could have been. I do feel some pain for him, but I haven't spoken to him in nearly a decade... after I came out with the truth to my other family members.
My brother passed away last December. He cared for and loved me. I TRUSTED him. I don't trust anyone. He was my only connection to this place, this life. I only have myself now.
So I live with my mother and I hear her weep at night. Our relationship isn't great. I think I realized that tonight I resent her because she doesn't SEE me and also that she cares, but it isn't enough. It isn't enough to actually see me or the truth or to know what was going on in the past. There is no "better late than never" aptitude for our relationship. She is codependent. Heavily. Also, with how she grew up, I could see how she wouldn't know how to love or to recognize pain... maybe? I feel as though she pushed my pain aside because I am "not real" to her. I am more of a concept and/or a novelty to her. I was a doll to her of sorts. The role I play is not daughter, nor even sister; It was always simply friend. I was never much of any title to anyone except sister and perhaps maybe friend, which is incredibly rare.
My other brother doesn't pay much mind to me. We aren't very close. I do love him, but he takes too much after my parents when it comes to our rapor; the certain dynamics of both my parents.
I am loved and I am not. The only romantic relationships I have ever had were empty and meaningless because they were abusive. The last time I had any physical contact was in March of this year. A few days after Halloween I kissed a guy at a party. I didn't like it. I couldn't do it. And I didn't like him all that much. Also, my body didn't feel anything. You're supposed to feel something when you kiss someone, I would like to think. I feel listless when it comes to love and attraction, with one exception*, which I will mention later on.
I went back to college in August. I'm still there. I made some friends and some are close friends now. It feels good to have friends again. At least, ones that live nearby. I'm too heavy and intense. I scare people away. I'm so "sad & weird" and that makes my good qualities disappear, I guess. I try my best to keep myself upbeat. I've become quite good at it though. I miss my brother because he wasn't frightened of me. He was always there for me. He listened.
*With meeting friends, I also met someone that I can't help but enjoy. Our attraction is on a molecular level. I can't explain it at all. I know that he feels it too because of how he behaves and how he looks at me. He actually has traits that my brother had. This person cares for me and seems to find me interesting. I'm so torn up inside because I yearn and desire this person. I haven't felt this way about a person so naturally in many, many years or perhaps ever. And although I can sense/feel that he is attracted to me, I am not sure of his intentions. I suppose only time will tell? We do have conversations. We have been having them more frequent lately and on a regular basis. Our conversations start out about a mutual interest and then turn into semi-personal things that we have in common. They always seem like things that don't matter much. We've discussed music we both like and traded music. He seemed really shy at first but is warming up to me, or so it seems. Now he makes comments about things like, "I like your planner. I can't use my phone or a computer. I need to write things down." and he will move into my personal space over my shoulder to look at my book. He gives me compliments about my hair (I dye it a color that I suspect is his favorite color). Usually there is a point when sexual tension builds between us and excuse myself before it can go any further. However, he seems to delay my abrupt exits now and the conversations turn into him saying things like, "I'm the kind that has many, many thoughts and speak only when necessary." It's intense. He blushes when we speak.
He is aware that I have ptsd and that I am grieving as well. And I don't know if he forgot I told him that, but he seems more attracted to me now. I can't be sure. I know that he remembers a lot of things that I like and what I say.
To go back to what I was saying in the beginning about not dating anyone... I would like to date this person, but I am apprehensive about it since I still don't know much about him. I don't know if he just wants to use me or if he would be serious about me. And I'm also scared that he could actually like me; and that if we do end up together, I will just get rejected anyway because I am too heavy and he won't be understanding of my ptsd symptoms. I think to myself, "why bother?" and then I catch myself thinking about him and I feel so good. SO good. Like, haven't felt this good in a century good. And I feel that this connection is definetly something special and unspoken, especially since I am profoundly lacking any sort of seemingly "real" human connection and my life is pretty loveless right now... And here my brain kicks in again and worries that I may be in a dangerously vulnerable place.
Please help. I'm so confused.
My father died on Tuesday. My whole existence was determined by how that man treated me. He abused me my whole life. Unspeakable things. Criminal. Awful. Horrific. He was a sociopath. I grieve for the loss of what I never had and what could have been. I do feel some pain for him, but I haven't spoken to him in nearly a decade... after I came out with the truth to my other family members.
My brother passed away last December. He cared for and loved me. I TRUSTED him. I don't trust anyone. He was my only connection to this place, this life. I only have myself now.
So I live with my mother and I hear her weep at night. Our relationship isn't great. I think I realized that tonight I resent her because she doesn't SEE me and also that she cares, but it isn't enough. It isn't enough to actually see me or the truth or to know what was going on in the past. There is no "better late than never" aptitude for our relationship. She is codependent. Heavily. Also, with how she grew up, I could see how she wouldn't know how to love or to recognize pain... maybe? I feel as though she pushed my pain aside because I am "not real" to her. I am more of a concept and/or a novelty to her. I was a doll to her of sorts. The role I play is not daughter, nor even sister; It was always simply friend. I was never much of any title to anyone except sister and perhaps maybe friend, which is incredibly rare.
My other brother doesn't pay much mind to me. We aren't very close. I do love him, but he takes too much after my parents when it comes to our rapor; the certain dynamics of both my parents.
I am loved and I am not. The only romantic relationships I have ever had were empty and meaningless because they were abusive. The last time I had any physical contact was in March of this year. A few days after Halloween I kissed a guy at a party. I didn't like it. I couldn't do it. And I didn't like him all that much. Also, my body didn't feel anything. You're supposed to feel something when you kiss someone, I would like to think. I feel listless when it comes to love and attraction, with one exception*, which I will mention later on.
I went back to college in August. I'm still there. I made some friends and some are close friends now. It feels good to have friends again. At least, ones that live nearby. I'm too heavy and intense. I scare people away. I'm so "sad & weird" and that makes my good qualities disappear, I guess. I try my best to keep myself upbeat. I've become quite good at it though. I miss my brother because he wasn't frightened of me. He was always there for me. He listened.
*With meeting friends, I also met someone that I can't help but enjoy. Our attraction is on a molecular level. I can't explain it at all. I know that he feels it too because of how he behaves and how he looks at me. He actually has traits that my brother had. This person cares for me and seems to find me interesting. I'm so torn up inside because I yearn and desire this person. I haven't felt this way about a person so naturally in many, many years or perhaps ever. And although I can sense/feel that he is attracted to me, I am not sure of his intentions. I suppose only time will tell? We do have conversations. We have been having them more frequent lately and on a regular basis. Our conversations start out about a mutual interest and then turn into semi-personal things that we have in common. They always seem like things that don't matter much. We've discussed music we both like and traded music. He seemed really shy at first but is warming up to me, or so it seems. Now he makes comments about things like, "I like your planner. I can't use my phone or a computer. I need to write things down." and he will move into my personal space over my shoulder to look at my book. He gives me compliments about my hair (I dye it a color that I suspect is his favorite color). Usually there is a point when sexual tension builds between us and excuse myself before it can go any further. However, he seems to delay my abrupt exits now and the conversations turn into him saying things like, "I'm the kind that has many, many thoughts and speak only when necessary." It's intense. He blushes when we speak.
He is aware that I have ptsd and that I am grieving as well. And I don't know if he forgot I told him that, but he seems more attracted to me now. I can't be sure. I know that he remembers a lot of things that I like and what I say.
To go back to what I was saying in the beginning about not dating anyone... I would like to date this person, but I am apprehensive about it since I still don't know much about him. I don't know if he just wants to use me or if he would be serious about me. And I'm also scared that he could actually like me; and that if we do end up together, I will just get rejected anyway because I am too heavy and he won't be understanding of my ptsd symptoms. I think to myself, "why bother?" and then I catch myself thinking about him and I feel so good. SO good. Like, haven't felt this good in a century good. And I feel that this connection is definetly something special and unspoken, especially since I am profoundly lacking any sort of seemingly "real" human connection and my life is pretty loveless right now... And here my brain kicks in again and worries that I may be in a dangerously vulnerable place.
Please help. I'm so confused.
