Flashback

[Bloomy]

Long time since I had a flashback.
Ive downloaded some music for running and then went for a run.

On the way home listening to this somewhat old music it hit me. Did "father" listen to while he did the things he did? Flashbacks of smell, distant sight and a faint glimpse of a face I do absolutely not want to see or remember. Instantely felt sick remember what happend. Then I thought - what if this happen to my daughter? And I fell even more sick. How will I ever deal with it if it does? And is this the way people feel like I did today for the first time knowing something similar happend to someone? Sick to your gut wanting to avoid at all cost?

Ill deal with this since Im not traumatized the same way as before. Just long time since a flashback happend and specially concerning this. Sucks that I must be so careful about things. Its part of the trauma bag I assume. Anytime anywhere it can hit like a instant released by music, sounds, smells, sights, places or anything that reminds.

 

[pixel]

Music.
One of the fastest ways to travel back in time. :confused:

 

[Bloomy]

I feel sad that this happend to me that it did this to me and its what I have to live with the memories of even do distant today :grumpy:

 

[Gs172003]

Long time since I had a flashback.
Ive downloaded some music for running and then went for a run.

On...

I'm sorry :(
I will say. ..

I've told people if I'm running they better run too cause there's something coming haha

I don't run lol too hard on the knees

 

[Gs172003]

I feel sad that this happend to me that it did this to me and its what I have to live with the memories...

:hug:

 

[Deleted member 34328]

Yeah. It happens. That's when remembering the reality vs the flashback helps.

It certainly can come out of nowhere. So hard when it hits that hard. I'm sorry. :(

 

[Gs172003]

I feel sad that this happend to me that it did this to me and its what I have to live with the memories...

How are you feeling bloomy?

 

[Bloomy]

@Zoogal thanks so much for asking.

My daughter answered the phone yesterday finally. She had forgotten the charger at school so her phone was low on baterrie which ws the reason why she didnt answer the phone. And I in the midst of flashback started to create scenarios out of own fear.

Im still sad. Not in a bad kind of sad way, but just sad for the very first time in my life as an understanding to the shitty things I had to survive.
Think I need to make an funeral at a fitting point for "father" as I once did for "mother". Need tp put this ghost to rest too.

Other then that how I am today I need to make the best out of it as examens are soon coming up (important test tomorow). Need to put dificult things aside and focus despite.

 

[Bloomy]

@stp2012


As written its long long time since I had a flashback. Reminds me of how much pain Ive been in when I where at the height of traumatized. I can say that thanks God Im at a diferent stage now. If I had this flashback some years ago it would have been so painful it would drag me down the drain.
Yesterdays flashback reminds me also that I am actually at a diferent place now.
It hurts cause I finally can see it more from outside then inside. I can finally understand how shitty this really is and feel some compassion for mysefl having to survive such.
But of course it hurts. Its painful. It makes me sick to the gut that "father" could do do this to me even as a grown up woman.

Yester I after writing this and after Ive done chores and came home to relax in the evening I thought about it.

I remember the pic of "father" and "mother" at their wedding and how his eyes where still alive as there where life inside there

Then thought about how his eyes stopped being alive and he got stuck within himself. Those ugly hard eyes looking at me in a way a father never should look at his own daughter.
In a way I feel sad for that young man he once was. the young man that lost himself. And became something I dont wish upon anybody.
I wonder what he dreamed of as a child. I know he had a rough time. A terrible childhood. Did he ever dream of something better?

 

[Gs172003]

@Zoogal thanks so much for asking.

My daughter answered the phone yesterday finally...

I'm sorry

 

[Bloomy]

@Zoogal

sorry for what`?

 

[Gs172003]

@Zoogal

sorry for what`?

That you're feeling sad