General Who Do I Hate...him Or Ptsd?!?!

[Empath16]

Day 13 of being kicked to the curb by him! I've been Thru break-ups before but those had reason I could relate to for breaking up (cheating, lying, fighting, etc) this break-up is baffling only because things were going fine (in my eyes)...but I guess, things were not fine with him, obviously! He's had some stressful things come up in his life but to me, those things were normal life stressors that we just have to deal with if they ever happen. I guess for him, it makes him feel some kinda way to where he wants to break-up?!?!
Are PTSD triggers often non-related to things that remind them of the traumatic experiences or are they a combination of both? I hate that he strung me along after knowing I myself had been isolating for 6 months after my mother's death to deal with my grief. He said he wanted to make me happy cuz I've been thru so much BS in my past relationships that I deserved it.
I'm SO confused at how he can tell me that him wanting to be by himself has NOTHING to do with me...my question then is, why push me out of your life if it has nothing to do with me?!?! WTF did I DO other than show love, care, concern & support?!?!
Sorry! Needed to vent a little cuz my heart is hurting today! I'm tired of having restless nights & sad days! I just want to understand WHYYYYY?????

 

[Silver.]

but to me, those things were normal life stressors that we just have to deal with if they ever happen.

Normal life triggers are hard to handle when our stress cup is overflowing, this is a good explanation of a person with PTSD handling stress, and why the little things can seem like so much:
https://www.myptsd.com/threads/the-ptsd-cup-explanation.83659/

Needing to isolate has to do with us, the sufferers. Pushing you out of his life is his way to have some control over what is going on with him. We can't handle the shit going on with us when people are always present, adding little things to the swarm going on in our heads. . Sometimes it's just too much and having people around, especially the ones we really love, it adds to overload. We get feelings of insecurity, worthlessness, and don't want to put that on others.

Being in a relationship with someone with PTSD means understanding a sufferers need to isolate, and all the other shit that comes along with it. I really recommend you dig some more into the sufferers forum so you can get a good idea of what it is others go through. The other forums are great to help educate you about PTSD.
Take Care

 

[Empath16]

Normal life triggers are hard to handle when our stress cup is overflowing, this is a good explanation...

Thank you for your reply & suggestions. I've mostly been reading the supporter forums because I wanted to see if what I experienced were common symptoms since I'm new to dealing with someone who has PTSD.

 

[Enaila]

It took me several years before I could even accept a hug from a friend. I wanted to be hugged or have my hand held...craved it even...but feared it so much I avoided it.

Yes, some simple things others think are just regular daily stressors can be triggers for someone with PTSD. Example: Yesterday I was getting my nails done and went to dust off a finger the guy had just filed. He asked me not to do so as oils from my fingers would affect how the acrylic stuck to my nails. Said kindly..,educationally...benign conversation right?

Except my abuser, when I was 9 or so was forcing me to learn about guns he loved more than his kids. He had a collection of them out on the table and was cleaning them and oiling them. Many has never been fired. I pointed at design on one of them and he started yelling at me about getting oils from my fingers on them and how it would change color of the stock and so on.

Some days it takes all my energy and focus to remind myself my children, I have raised on my own, aren't their father (another abuser who passed away). They deserve to be unconditionally loved.

I can imagine how conflicted your sufferer might be feeling. Being unconditionally loved and having someone care about you for who you are is confusing to some with PTSD. It is a scary thing to trust and love. The sufferer may feel they are saving you more pain and sadness by choosing to have some space.

If you aren't already seeing a therapist, it may be a good idea to do so. I know I have had my supportive friends come to a session or two with me especially during the times when I was most pushing them away. It helped them understand as well as made me realize they cared enough to want to understand.

 

[Enaila]

Thought of something else which has really helped my supporter (sisters by choice) and I. We have "sister supper" one night a week. We take turns choosing where we go to eat out being mindful of my hypersensitivity levels to noise, light, and movement (she is able to tell where I am, she asks how I am with sound that day, or I let her know.) I hate picking where we eat, but it is part of my therapy. Anyway, if for some reason our chosen day of Tuesday won't work, we may reschedule, but MUST be within same week. PTSD causes avoidance issues, so this is a rule we have kept in place, so I can't avoid.

I now look forward to our dinners even on stressful days. We talk and can just relax some.

 

[Sweetpea76]

There is a difference between stressors and triggers. This may help make sense of it (and adds to the PTSD cup explaination). Stressor vs. Trigger - What Is A Trigger?

 

[Empath16]

There is a difference between stressors and triggers. This may help make sense of it (and adds to th...

Thank you @Sweetpea76 I appreciate all of your replies, insight and suggestions.

 

[Friday]

Did your isolating after your mothers death have anything to do with other people? Or was it entirely due to you & your grieving process? If, at any moment, a reminder of your mother could send you not into tears, but into another 6months? As if you'd never done it? As fresh, as raw, as whole body wracking, and mentally and emotionally shattering as the first time. Every time.

PTSD means we end up sitting a lot of shiva for old grief. It means that normal life stressors hit us as hard as major life stressors hit other people.

There are things I shift through quite normally. So I know what that feels like. It's hard, but over time it gets easier, I get stronger. It's not as raw, gaping, or jagged. It's not my every breath. Then there are the things bound up in PTSD. Those things are as real right now, as they were when they happened. And sometimes more real. Because at the time I was busy. And I could be fine today, tomorrow, all year, and the get my legs kicked out from under me. I never know, from day to say, if I'm going to wake up and be me, here, in the present. I can take steps to stack the deck in my favor. I can learn and use a thousand coping mechanims. But the fact remains, at any moment, I can be hit as hard as I was on day 1. And people expect normal behavior. After all, you were normal yesterday. Normal 5 seconds ago. It's not like your mother just died. THAT kind of stressor would explain the sudden -everything- but not that someone walked into a room and startled you, or it's Tuesday, or you can't find your shoes. Except it does. Because it's PTSD.

Grief and PTSD are radically different creatures. So it's not a perfect parallel. They may share claw & fang here and there, but how they're best dealt with is different. One walks through grief. Changed by it, usually, and visited by it sometimes more, some less. But grief is a transition. A visitor. PTSD is always there. Leashed, or unleashed, it's a part of me. Of my life.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

those things were normal life stressors

To you. "Normal life stressors" kick me on my ass and tailspin me all over the place pushing everyone away as I go as they are better if they are away from me as I am a tornado distroying as I go. And I land isolated and alone. Eventually I will "come to" and reach out again but that can take a while. A few days to a few months to a few years. I pushed you away because I care about you and didn't want to be the tornado that ripped through your life.

It doesn't have to do with you as in you did something wrong. It only has to do with you as in I care about you. The remainder of the junk is about me and my trauma and how it effects me.

And a trauma trigger can be absolutly anything. Anything that reminds the sufferer of their trauma. That is what PTSD is, a reminder of the trauma. A constant reminder of the trauma. And to minimize symptoms is to minimize stress. Including normal life stressors. My stress cup is over full and forget about telling me that we are out of milk. The shit hits the fan over being out of milk.

That is my experience anyway.

 

[Enaila]

Did your isolating after your mothers death have anything to do with other people? Or was it entirely du...

Your post brought me to tears, which is a rare thing indeed. I agree with your comparison and like how you explained the PTSD. It is hard to get people to understand how one thing doesn't bother me one day and then the next can having me jumping or hiding. I'm afraid to reach out to others and it is especially difficult if the person has ANY personality traits like my abusers. I pushed and pushed with my supportive friend, chosen sister, but she didn't give up on me. I was mad as all get out at her, but she said such things happen at times and still didn't give up on me. I'm learning to trust slowly with my cousin and sister (my abusers were men), but it is a learning process.

 

[Tinyflame]

I think @Friday 's is extremely well-said as to the experience. Most who are unaware (& most are unaware) think it's attitudinal.

it is especially difficult if the person has ANY personality traits like my abusers

Yes and/ or behaviours. And perhaps they are indicative of the same?

I'm sorry @Empath16 . :hug:

 

[bailey]

I have been trying to 'do the right thing' for so long now it is dragging me down it is great to get insights into sufferers minds but still so hard to completly take it in when your mind does not work the same way ,in many ways it seems people are saying give up on your partner/ husband because it will not go away and they will never be able to change , I have certainly tried to get help from everywhere but is is never worth having even professionals dont seem to understand and back off at the slightest problem faced with dealing with PTSD suffers .