Relationship "unable To Love"?

[Aalexya]

I've been seeing a man for 3 weeks now that has combat PTSD. He told me this from date one. I've been doing research galore on it and from this site which has greatly helped.
My question is from something he said last night. Since this past Sunday, his communication has wound down to just about nothing. Monday he said "I just need to focus today, I'll text you later". That's when I started wondering if he was struggling with the ptsd. Hard to say. He didn't write me back later. Then Tuesday all I got in afternoon was "hey". I simply wrote back "hey baby" and left it at that, not writing more because I figured, if he was struggling. ..it was probably enough for him to be able to write "hey".

In the middle of the next night, I sent a picture of a page I wrote to him (not long), of encouraging words. Talking about what a great soul he has, how worthy he is of good, kindness, and love. How I am here for him and to try and trust in that. How I want to help him see himself thru my eyes and basically see how great he is. The next night he says "Thank you for that! Feeling better" and that's the extent it went.

Then nothing until late last night where he asked if I was awake. I immediately said yes. He writes "I think I'm unable to love. Besides my kids."

My question is, is this a 'normal' symptom caused from combat ptsd...to feel as though you're unable to love?

 

[Astrid_Shadow]

It is normal. PTSD has us all terrified. Has he ever opened up to you more on his Ptsd? Some people with ptsd will distance themselves so they dont get hurt. It's not the right way but for some of us it's the only way we know.

 

[Aalexya]

It is normal. PTSD has us all terrified. Has he ever opened up to you more on his Ptsd? Some peop...

He went into it a little bit, as far as how "messed up" he was the first 2 yrs. But basically would just make comments about minimal interaction and used to being in his own space. Which I totally respect. Otherwise, I took it upon myself to delve into learning as much as possible about it. I've only heard if it a couple times in the past but was unaware of the drastic effects.

With the barely null communication that's been happening this week, I figured he was/is in isolation. But I don't like assuming either. I just don't know because he hasn't said "hey this is what's going on". And I get that's usually not how it happens anyway.

He will still go on Facebook and on snapchat, so idk if that's still isolation? It's confusing at times, but I'm doing my best to just be patient and not push him in any way. Just let him know I'm here when he's ready.

He was previously married yrs back and his (late) wife one day was just done with the marriage and told him to get out. So idk if it has anything to do with that as well. Trying hard to not assume anything. But difficult when not told either.

 

[Astrid_Shadow]

He's lucky to have someone like you in his life. He'll come to you eventually and he will be extreextremely grateful. Not many people have patience to deal with ptsd. He's very lucky to have you.

 

[Aalexya]

He's lucky to have someone like you in his life. He'll come to you eventually and he will be extr...

That gives me the stamina to keep being patient, your kind words. Thank you for that! I think a lot of it has to do with how I personally have been neglected for most of my life in a lot of ways and abused in several forms, so I know what its like to not have...to not feel loved, cared for, supported, shown affection. So I want to give that all the more. If that makes sense.

However, I think my struggle will be with how he is unable to rly show any affection. He told me he has no desire in him to like, reach out and touch and show that. (Even though he was very hands on on the first date) But that's not a 'deal breaker' for me. At least not at this time, because I really care for this man. More than he even realizes. Wish I could make him feel safe and understand that I'm not a threat.

 

[Astrid_Shadow]

Your welcome. Glad I could help in some way. You just want to show him that you won't leave him no matter what happens. The world needs more people like you. It makes sense you wanna give him what you never had. You know what it's like to be alone and you don't want him to feel that way with you around. You are a great person. Keep doing what your doing and I'm sure he'll come around :)

 

[Aalexya]

He's able to accept my affection. Which is good. Because I'm a very hands on, touchy feely woman. Told him from the start. And I've checked several times if he's still okay with that or if it's too much, and he says he likes it. Needs it.
Yet can't give that in return. So I'm curious as to how that comes about.
Does all of this mean he can accept affection and possibly accept love, just feels unable to give that in return?

 

[Astrid_Shadow]

He probably feels scared. PTSD can make anyone scared to love cause most people who love you say their gonna stay and they end up leaving. Personally it sounds to me like he somewhat still has his barriers up. I'm sure you can break those barriers though. It'll take some time but Im sure you can do it.

 

[Virtues]

Aalexya, there are a few slight differences with combat trauma then there are with other forms of PTSD. I am a combat vet and if you don't mind I would like to chime in and give you a little insight to what your veteran might be going through. First off it is not uncommon for your veteran to be unable to feel love (or any emotion for that matter). However, the reason why it is difficult for your veteran to experience love may be surprising to you; it may even be surprising to him. When in combat the brain was subjected to a flood of chemicals that can not be reproduced by anything anywhere else. It almost becomes addicting like a drug, which is why when some veterans return home from war you see them engaging in high risk behavior; they are trying to recreate that high they experienced in war, but they are always chasing a rainbow (looking for something that doesn't exist). They also felt a connection to the men who shared that experience with them. It was a bond that can't be replicated with anyone else (not their wives, not their children, not their parents, no one). One thing you do see with veterans who return home from war is "rage" however. The reason behind this is all in our training. When we were deployed we were trained to view the man to our left and the man to our right like a piece of gear because at any given moment an IED could go off and that would be the last we would see of them. We couldn't have any emotional attachment to those men. However the one emotion that was "safe" for us to feel was rage. We could redirect rage upon our enemy and redistribute our hate and discontent through fire superiority. This was a safe emotion to feel. However, when we returned home, we never learned how to shut that off. The problem is all these emotions started trying to come out and we started trying to stuff them (carrying on like an automaton) does this sound familiar? But these emotions became displaced and when they became too much to keep inside they leaked out as episodes of rage. So you see, what might be happening with your veteran is he might be longing for war. As nasty and as awful as war was, it was also compelling. There are a couple short TED talks I think you should watch that explain this far better than I can. They are really short and they are done by a war correspondent who was at restrepo Afghanistan; they will provide you with some incredible insight into the mind of a veteran who has suffered combat trauma. I hope this has helped you.

Sebastian Junger: Why veterans miss war

Sebastian Junger Our lonely society makes it hard to come home from war.

 

[Aalexya]

Aalexya, there are a few slight differences with combat trauma then there are with other forms of P...

I truly appreciate that response of yours. I've watched a few TED talks on ptsd and YouTube vids that actually went into what you were describing. I'll check your links out. Thank you!
What you mentioned about the adrenaline, he talked about that in a sense. Didn't necessarily say it had to do with seeking it for that reason, but I was able to connect the two together. He made a passing comment about how he isn't fearful of anything really...he goes swimming in the ocean, like way out there, even seeing sharks around him. Went out swimming during the tropical storm that went thru a few months back.

So it makes sense to me, the seeking of adrenaline because that's what a vet has been used to. It's just saddening, heartbreaking, to hear him state he thinks he's unable to love. Is it more or less because of those emotions being numbed and buried....or more to do with fear of trusting and being hurt or losing that person? Or both?

 

[Virtues]

It's just saddening, heartbreaking, to hear him state he thinks he's unable to love. Is it more or less because of those emotions being numbed and buried....or more to do with fear of trusting and being hurt or losing that person? Or both?

Romantic love is just the release of the hormone Oxytocin... Oxytocin is created in the HPA axis (Hypothalamus, Pituitary, Adrenal). The problem with people with combat PTSD is there HPA axis was geared to mass produce Adrenaline, Cortisol, and Norepinephrine over an extended period of time. In a sense their HPA axis is "broken". I know that's not the answer you want to hear, but that is the answer.

 

[Seeking]

The love of my life and I have been dating for 3 years and he too has PTSD. He isolates and it's hurtful. He has, over the years said small things that I've had to piece together like, "I just get in moods its not you." A few months ago I asked him what I should do when he's in these phases or moods and he said "chill out." I love this man with my whole soul and he knows it. He loves me too and I know that too. What you're experiencing is common, unfortunately I think. I would get the "hey" text after him not communicating for a few days. After I recently had a meltdown and just poured out my feelings he's isolating. Now I get an ocassional "I love you," or a "thank you" when I tell him I'm praying. I see how I triggered him by me being so emotional. He told me he just can't deal with me being all emotional right now. I get it after coming here and getting a better understanding. I would advise to just be patient and loving but try as best you can to occupy yourself. It's hard but that's what's best.If no one else believes in our love, I do. He's just a man with PTSD and although my man will be forever changed I pray he's able to enjoy life and truly love like truly love. I am his ride or die and he knows that.