Relationship Can't Help But Believe Him Sometimes

[idkhelen]

Been seeing my marine vet for a few months, and official with the whole label for a month now. On his good days, he's very sweet, very appreciative for the things I do. The only thing I guess I messed up was that I went out with a few of my friends/coworkers after work which is what I usually do, but since we started dating i havent been going out. He's met these few friends of mine before but one of them he absolutely hates. These friends I've known for a long time, have been with me through my deep depression days. I asked him before if it be ok to grab a drink, he told me go ahead and have fun with my friends through text messages. I'm not good at reading people through texts so I took it as it was.
He said, I thought you were coming to spend the night. I wasn't aware of these plans at all so I said oh I'll come over after! I was taking the next day off anyway to be with him because his grandpa was supposed to have a birthday party but ended up having to go to the hospital, so I was gonna be with him anyway for emotional support. At this time, he told me one of his friends were over his place too, during work he snapchatted me a picture of them so i thought it be ok to have a drink. I think he would've been fine with me and my friend were it not for that friend he hates being there. Ever since then, when he gets mad hell bring it up saying that I'd rather hang out with a person he hated than be with him. He has details wrong, he said that his friend texted him to come over at the same time I texted him to ask if I can get a drink, I showed him proof that his friend was already over before I texted him.
The other day, his dad triggered him and he was just in a bad mood the rest of the day. We were in his truck going to have lunch and he goes about how everyone ends up hurting him then brings stuff up about me with my friends. At this point, he's yelling, saying I'm toxic, I'm gonna end up cheating on him, saying I'm a c*nt. I can't get a word in because hell tell me to shut up.
Since that night with my friends I haven't been hanging out with them because I know he's gonna think I'm cheating on him. After a whole car ride to and back filled with him yelling, we get back to his place and I go straight to my laptop to do my homework not saying anything, just tired from him yelling at me. He taps my shoulder and holds me saying, "you're still the best girlfriend I've ever had, you've been nothing but perfect. I'm just trying to prevent you from f*cking up like my exes (they cheated). I love you" I would never purposely do anything to hurt him and I certainly wouldn't cheat. At this point, I feel like I shouldn't hang out with my friends. I have some type of hope that over time, it'll get better. I care about him, and I love him (please don't judge for the time we've been together, im aware), if I didn't, I wouldn't still be with him. When he just keeps bringing up one thing, and says I'm the a horrible person, that I'm f*cked up, that I'm toxic for him, I can't help but believe him sometimes. Even though on his normal days he's making me feel like the best girlfriend in the world and that I've been "perfect" for him, I can't stop thinking about the negative things that he says on his bad days.

 

[SophiaWisdom]

My heart hurts hearing this because I relate to it. This is abusive and hurtful to you. No one deserves to be called names and cursed at, or even yelled at regularly (believe me I have a temper and so have my exes so a very rare bout of loud shouting is not the end of the world to me though it is for others, but with regularity it is extremely damaging and stressful.)

I'm sorry for the pain this causes and know that there are people who will treat you well out there, as hard as it is to break away right now. I know because I was with an emotionally abusive narcissist who did push pull on me and although I saw it after 3 months, it took me 2 months to disengage and literally eveyr single one of my friends texting me and talkign to me on the phone daily until I was strong enough to leave. It came to a head when I accidentally sprained mywrist during a dance injury and he never picked up the phone to take me to the hospital and my ex took me to ER. I was able to leave about a month after that. I recommend getting support though.

If this isn't convincing enough, I would suggest researching NPD. My mother likely has it (she is my abuser from childhood that caused my CPTSD) and one of her common behaviors is telling me she wished I was dead and other times telling me how perfect I am. I no longer believe her words at all. She also used the "for your own good" speech many times. It doesn't matter that she is mentally ill - it doesn't give her the right to take it out on others and use me as her narcissistic supply.

Much love to you.

 

[grimalkin]

Is he in treatment? Is he willing to get treatment?

My advice (on the tail end of a 7 year relationship with someone with Complex PTSD, not called that until a few months ago), is get your own support/counseling. Establish your boundaries. Decide what you are ok with putting up with. Insist he get help, and if he doesn't, decide what you are going to tolerate, and stick to it. Research research research this illness that is PTSD.

Keep your own life, don't get sucked into his isolation.

PTSD is hard. Very very hard. And if you don't have all the facts, and don't have your own boundaries and your own life, you will get sucked in, and become isolated out of some sort of solidarity to him, and that will probably be even worse for you both in the long run.

The treatment goes along with his owning his own crap. And PTSD is no excuse for abusive behavior. Call it what it is, insist he figure out his demons, and not use PTSD as an excuse. Or, conversely, "This is how I am, deal with it or leave." He has proven he has the good with the bad, it's up to him to decide to not give into the bad, and if he's not willing to deal with that, decide what you are willing to tolerate.

*hugs if you want them*

 

[idkhelen]

My heart hurts hearing this because I relate to it. This is abusive and hurtful to you. No one des...

Tearing up reading this right now. I've talked to my brother about this and he knows the type of person I am, he says I shouldn't be the person that tries to fix people. I wanna see this a little bit longer because I don't want to quit so soon and end up abandoning him and making him feel like everyone just leaves him.

 

[idkhelen]

Is he in treatment? Is he willing to get treatment?

My advice (on the tail end of a 7 year relations...

He used to be in therapy but then he quit. He felt it was useless and he said that the medication would make it worse for him. Thank you for the advice and internet hugs.

 

[SophiaWisdom]

Tearing up reading this right now. I've talked to my brother about this and he knows the type of perso...

Your heart is so lovely my dear.

I'm speaking to it - it's not your responsibility right now whether your health makes him feel abandoned. To go one step further, in fact sometimes it keeps others from realizing they can absolutely heal if the hole in their heart is always filled by someone enabling them. It's soooo hard I know.

You know how the massive hole in my chest finally closed up? My longest relationship wasn't totally present all the time - and often when I cried he didn't know what to do. Sometimes he'd leave me alone. I'd feel like I was dying and falling into the abandonment hole that I carried around inside me like a river of pain. But when he left me alone guess what?

I DIDN'T DIE.

When I realized a few times (just like w or 3) that I didn't actually die, the hole suddenly didn't seem to all consuming. I realized I was actually bigger thanIT. And it wouldn't kill me. Slowly, the hole disappeared. At the end of that relationship, that hole was almost gone and now I can honestly say it's gone. That would not have happened on my own if he hadn't f"ailed" me so many times. (sorry my tremors are up right now typos)

 

[idkhelen]

Your heart is so lovely my dear.

I'm speaking to it - it's not your responsibility right now whet...

Really thank you for the words. I really do appreciate it. I'll still stick it out for a little bit and set my boundaries, the next time he gets angry at me, I think I'm going to really analyze whether im helping or if the improvement isn't going anywhere. I'm going into work now! Thank you for the words!

 

[SophiaWisdom]

We're here for you! Keep us updated :)

 

[Casey_03]

This is exactly how abusive relationships start.

 

[Friday]

I have to agree with Casey on this one. A month into dating and you're asking permission to spend time with your own friends, he thinks he can "prevent" you from cheating??? :O_o:, & he's using emotional blackmail in order to "correct" you. Speaking as a former Marine, I've known my share of assholes & this bloke worries me.

You can only abandon kids & pets. Everyone else can look out for their own selves. They might not want to, but they can.

 

[Mytime]

I understand how you feel, but you really, REALLY need to understand.
You can't fix him. You can support him but it's his journey. He is already putting his past experiences onto you. He is already trying to control your time with your friends. If you want to stay in this relationship , You are going to have to set strong boundaries. You need to have your own life with your friends etc. If you don't set your boundaries the abuse will continue, and it is abuse how he is treating you at the moment. You can lose your self very quickly. I'm not saying you need to leave, that is your choice. But what I am saying is you need to read, educate yourself and make sure you put yourself first and have your own self care. We are all here to support you and to listen. I do wish you both the best. :hug:

 

[boodle]

Been seeing my marine vet for a few months, and official with the whole label for a month now. On his...

I'm also with @Casey_03 and @Friday on this. However you are looking at this, it is abuse. I have just had to remove myself from my relationship with a sufferer because of worsening Abuse. A boundary was crossed so I had to leave. I didn't want to believe me. it was so hard as I saw the lovely person underneath that was suffering with this. However, you have to protect yourself. My ex was not in therapy and was not likely to be certainly in the near to medium term. If he is abusing you like this now and is not committing to sorting himself out, then don't be surprised if it gets worse in the future. Sorry for the blunt reply but I just don't want you to have to suffer this. Please take care.