Success!
". . .you aren't crying and didn't swear and scream"- husband who heard my mom call me and attempt (unsuccessfully) to take me down over a 15 minute call. (As he hugged me and worried that I was blaming myself).
So I don't forget how unpleasant this call was, here are the details:
Parents had bought tickets for an event for my son's school prior to my recall of the abuse and my disclosure to them. Dad told me earlier in the week that they no longer wanted to come into town for the event. I shared that I would prefer to still see them, this issue isn't going to go anywhere, and they are leaving town for a month shortly. Dad called again last night and tried to argue with me, I shared that I left a voicemail for my mother and wanted a response from her directly if she is the one canceling on me. Dad began to get increasingly agitated and I hung up on him. I felt like I was going to die. My heart felt broken. I decided to tell the kids that my mom's dad hurt me badly as a kid and I just recalled this information. I explained that they did not need to know the details, that I needed to share this with my parents to heal and they are not taking it well. My husband then shared that my acceptance of my abuse means it is less likely for them to get harmed, as I am no longer in denial. My kids were shockingly ok and did not ask too many questions. Son was ok with knowing that they are missing his event.
I am working, as on all Fridays. My parents typically know not to call on Fridays.
Mom just called.
I answered (wasn't on a call, so I could answer the phone).
I stayed level. Did not raise my voice. Did not cry or scream (though I cried my eyes out last night).
Excuse 1: "We're still sick from the last visit (when I was away so I have not seen them for some time), especially your father, he has a sinus infection or something. . ."
Reply 1: Ok.
Excuse 1.1: "and we really need to pack for our trip. . ."
Reply 1.2: Uh huh.
Then it gets going:
Excuse 2: "You know this stuff is just really. . .I mean you had that abusive boyfriend in eighth grade that S**** C*** introduced you to, and that other guy. . . everyone was after you, you were so good looking. . . but this other stuff. . .it just isn't true!"
Reply 2: I wish it wasn't mom it is hard to accept that the man I knew as my grandfather is the same person who did these things to me. But I can sift out the other stuff after all of the trauma work I've done. I know what was what."
Excuse 2.1: "Oh I'm just sure. And what about that guy from Springfield* who raped you in 10th grade?
Reply 2.1: Whoa. Now you are telling me that was rape? When I was upset and tried to talk to you about it back then you said "well Ocin, it takes two to tango." Mom you totally shut me down back then!
Excuse 2.2: "Oh right! How can you say this?! I would never say such a thing! This is your reality here."
Reply 2.2: "It is, and I feel much better now that things make better sense to me."
Excuse 3: "You know my dad may have been a womanizer but he wasn't a pedophile!"
Reply 3: Mom he really did this stuff to me. I was certainly hurt by many people, I was desperate for love and affection and I was targeted sexually later but this early stuff set the stage.
Excuse 4: "You didn't spend the night over there. We wouldn't have left the dog alone at the house. . ."
Reply 4: I did, I know I did. You would've put the dog in the kennel.
Excuse 5: "And for you to suggest that it happened to me too! I was a virgin when I was married. And the stuff with my cousins wasn't rape. I was a virgin when I was married. My dad wouldn't do something like this! He was always at work. You weren't around him!"
Reply 5: I know it is hard to imagine. But mom you drove us down to his business all the time after school, we were at the house on the weekends. We were around them all the time.
Mom: (referring to The Body Keeps the Score) "you know in that book you told us to read it says it's the past, and you need to get over it. You just need to get over it. What is done is done!"
Reply: Well I agree, though it is a little intense to remember this stuff right now after blocking it for so many years. I am doing what I need to do to deal with it.
Mom: "You need to take care of yourself. You are a mess. You are coming apart. . ."
Reply: I am taking care of myself. And knowing the truth is making me stronger. I am a better person for it. I am running my business and have my own life. What I've learned is making me better at my job even.
Mom: "Yeah right, sure. I'm sure. You never do a shred for yourself"
Me: Well thank you for returning my call, I am sorry you guys are unable to come down.
It ended without any explosions. I know that was not her preference. No trigger to become indignant or weepy and get my dad's sympathy.
I DID IT!!! I DIDN'T GET PULLED INTO THE SPIN! I HELD MY GROUND, I DIDN'T RESORT TO ATTACKING OR PASSIVE AGGRESSION. I APPROPRIATELY EXPRESSED SADNESS. I DIDN'T TAKE THE BAIT. AND I AM STILL ALIVE!!!!!
I was really frightened that they were going to stop talking to me. I am still worried how things will go in the long run, but she did call me even though she was scared. And I acted like the person I want to be (vs the dysregulated version that presents after lots of provocation who provides my parents with further ammo).
Thanks for being here to share this.
I appreciate everything I have read here, it keeps me on the path to wellness.
". . .you aren't crying and didn't swear and scream"- husband who heard my mom call me and attempt (unsuccessfully) to take me down over a 15 minute call. (As he hugged me and worried that I was blaming myself).
So I don't forget how unpleasant this call was, here are the details:
Parents had bought tickets for an event for my son's school prior to my recall of the abuse and my disclosure to them. Dad told me earlier in the week that they no longer wanted to come into town for the event. I shared that I would prefer to still see them, this issue isn't going to go anywhere, and they are leaving town for a month shortly. Dad called again last night and tried to argue with me, I shared that I left a voicemail for my mother and wanted a response from her directly if she is the one canceling on me. Dad began to get increasingly agitated and I hung up on him. I felt like I was going to die. My heart felt broken. I decided to tell the kids that my mom's dad hurt me badly as a kid and I just recalled this information. I explained that they did not need to know the details, that I needed to share this with my parents to heal and they are not taking it well. My husband then shared that my acceptance of my abuse means it is less likely for them to get harmed, as I am no longer in denial. My kids were shockingly ok and did not ask too many questions. Son was ok with knowing that they are missing his event.
I am working, as on all Fridays. My parents typically know not to call on Fridays.
Mom just called.
I answered (wasn't on a call, so I could answer the phone).
I stayed level. Did not raise my voice. Did not cry or scream (though I cried my eyes out last night).
Excuse 1: "We're still sick from the last visit (when I was away so I have not seen them for some time), especially your father, he has a sinus infection or something. . ."
Reply 1: Ok.
Excuse 1.1: "and we really need to pack for our trip. . ."
Reply 1.2: Uh huh.
Then it gets going:
Excuse 2: "You know this stuff is just really. . .I mean you had that abusive boyfriend in eighth grade that S**** C*** introduced you to, and that other guy. . . everyone was after you, you were so good looking. . . but this other stuff. . .it just isn't true!"
Reply 2: I wish it wasn't mom it is hard to accept that the man I knew as my grandfather is the same person who did these things to me. But I can sift out the other stuff after all of the trauma work I've done. I know what was what."
Excuse 2.1: "Oh I'm just sure. And what about that guy from Springfield* who raped you in 10th grade?
Reply 2.1: Whoa. Now you are telling me that was rape? When I was upset and tried to talk to you about it back then you said "well Ocin, it takes two to tango." Mom you totally shut me down back then!
Excuse 2.2: "Oh right! How can you say this?! I would never say such a thing! This is your reality here."
Reply 2.2: "It is, and I feel much better now that things make better sense to me."
Excuse 3: "You know my dad may have been a womanizer but he wasn't a pedophile!"
Reply 3: Mom he really did this stuff to me. I was certainly hurt by many people, I was desperate for love and affection and I was targeted sexually later but this early stuff set the stage.
Excuse 4: "You didn't spend the night over there. We wouldn't have left the dog alone at the house. . ."
Reply 4: I did, I know I did. You would've put the dog in the kennel.
Excuse 5: "And for you to suggest that it happened to me too! I was a virgin when I was married. And the stuff with my cousins wasn't rape. I was a virgin when I was married. My dad wouldn't do something like this! He was always at work. You weren't around him!"
Reply 5: I know it is hard to imagine. But mom you drove us down to his business all the time after school, we were at the house on the weekends. We were around them all the time.
Mom: (referring to The Body Keeps the Score) "you know in that book you told us to read it says it's the past, and you need to get over it. You just need to get over it. What is done is done!"
Reply: Well I agree, though it is a little intense to remember this stuff right now after blocking it for so many years. I am doing what I need to do to deal with it.
Mom: "You need to take care of yourself. You are a mess. You are coming apart. . ."
Reply: I am taking care of myself. And knowing the truth is making me stronger. I am a better person for it. I am running my business and have my own life. What I've learned is making me better at my job even.
Mom: "Yeah right, sure. I'm sure. You never do a shred for yourself"
Me: Well thank you for returning my call, I am sorry you guys are unable to come down.
It ended without any explosions. I know that was not her preference. No trigger to become indignant or weepy and get my dad's sympathy.
I DID IT!!! I DIDN'T GET PULLED INTO THE SPIN! I HELD MY GROUND, I DIDN'T RESORT TO ATTACKING OR PASSIVE AGGRESSION. I APPROPRIATELY EXPRESSED SADNESS. I DIDN'T TAKE THE BAIT. AND I AM STILL ALIVE!!!!!
I was really frightened that they were going to stop talking to me. I am still worried how things will go in the long run, but she did call me even though she was scared. And I acted like the person I want to be (vs the dysregulated version that presents after lots of provocation who provides my parents with further ammo).
Thanks for being here to share this.
I appreciate everything I have read here, it keeps me on the path to wellness.
