Dom Violence Third Party Abuse-anyone Ever Experience This?

[Twilight]

My ex domesic violence partner is sending out people unknown to me that act like "random" strangers who then try to form a relationship with me for the purpose of virtual stalking. He wants to know everything I am doing, but can't come around himself or he will get in legal trouble or be exposed as the freak abuser he is. My T thinks I am just being fearful and imagining that this is going on. But I have numerous contacts with people that seem "legit" and i am not worried about those. The contacts i am suspicious of, are "random strangers" who start telling MY story but saying it is their own. This seems too coincidental to be a random stranger. I think when this happens, the "stranger" is trying to gain my trust with a similar history so we can be friends and i will tell them all my business, which then suppies my ex with the info he is longing for as a stalker. Has anyone ever experienced this? My ex is very devious and clever, so i think this is possible. As i explained, my T thinks i have a fearful imagination. I must add, my ex has made death threats against me.

 

[Casey_03]

I experienced something similar, but it wasn't strangers. My ex, who was stalking me, would basically hang out at bars near where I worked and befriend my co-workers, or other people who knew me. Then those people would come in and tell me, "Oh, I met so-and-so, and he said he knew you." He didn't seem to be having them stalk me, though, it was more like he was taunting me by showing me he could still get to people near me. It was deeply unsettling and I remember how terrified I was, and I couldn't tell anyone it was going on because I'm sure they would've thought I was crazy.

I'm afraid I don't really have any useful advice for how to deal with it. Apart from just avoiding talking to strangers, there's not much you can do. In my case, my ex eventually grew tired of doing that when he didn't get a reaction from me.

 

[Beemo3780]

My abusive ex did this as a way to get around my Order of Protection. There was supposed to be no 3rd party contact, but my ex was finding ways around this. He was contacting my family, even ones that I didn't really know very well, my old coworkers, friends' family, but also he was having his friends contact me. He was trying to do whatever he could to find out where I would be or what I was doing.

It's really hard to prove this in court. Even with Facebook messages printed out from people he knew, I didn't get much help from anyone.

My only advice is be careful who you talk to. Be careful about who knows where you are going. Keep your life as private as possible.

 

[The Albatross]

It wasn't necessarily "random" but I had a very violent ex husband who manipulated others to stalk and keep tabs and report back on me. I did have a restraining order on him so he arranged to have others do it for him for a good long time.

I think perhaps this is where I'd pick/pull it apart more, "But I have numerous contacts with people that seem "legit" and i am not worried about those. The contacts i am suspicious of, are "random strangers" who start telling MY story but saying it is their own." How are you really discerning who is legit (seemingly) and who is not? I would like to know more about that please.

Perhaps, outside of direct peer or familial support telling anyone your business is a bad idea that requires some self restraint for the duration. ???

What evidence do you have to show/tell your T that this is not your imagination.... what evidence thus far are you lacking? I'm not inclined to chalk it up to paranoia as it clearly wasn't in my story... however, it is a yellow caution flag in my opinion and would probably talk more about and clarify that in session.

"Third party abuse" is a new term for me... not really sure at all what I think about that. An ex's manipulation... probably... but I'm really unclear (expect people's heads to explode now) if it is "abuse" if someone approaches me, I spill my guts and then they tell my ex and I get consequences for that behavior.

 

[Twilight]

To Albatross

I have no one i can trust right now in my geographical area, as all contacts i had knew me and him as a couple, and anything i tell any of those people gets back to him. So, i had to cut out of my life anyone who knew us both.

So, according to my T, (and logical thought), I need to make new friends. If I go somewhere geographically distant from my home and meet someone, I do not run into people who tell me MY story and try to be my friend. It all seems "normal" or as I say, "legit".

Or if i talk to a clerk at the grocery store in my town, that seems normal, bc it is always a different person on a different shift, etc.

But, if I tell someone (remeber, these are all new people in my life that i dont have a long history with) that i am going to such and such place, and then i go there, a random person there will try to befriend me with MY story and try to get info from me.

You are very right, I have decreased my world to nil, bc i cant hardly share anything with anybody at this point. My own family is compromised, as i have told them things that get back to him. We are freshly divorced and they side with him in the divorce.

I am hoping he will lose interest soon, but my world is very limited right now. My own family denies his abuse of me, and they were abusive of me as a child, so no surprise there, i guess. They, of course, deny their own abuse as well.

Does this help to explain?

I get the impression my T thinks this is wildly unlikely that he would do that, although she believes my childhood abuse and my marital abuse. I think she does not think someone would go to this effort to stalk, but i guess my gut tells me it is happening.

 

[Twilight]

Also, I learned the term "third party abuse" from the battered womens shelter, it is on their hand-outs. It is when the abuser abuses you through someone else, by isolating you via smearing your reputation or lies about you to turn people against you. Or hurting you in any way through another person, since they cant get to you. (If you have left them and are trying to stay away from them)

 

[The Albatross]

I think under the present circumstances... personal safety is more important than forming new trustworthy friendships. The forum can fill in for that for a while until you are in a more stable place. My shrink had no issue with it for instance... you can have support of peers here and reduce your risks.

 

[Twilight]

Also, I would call it "abuse" bc it is premeditated stalking behavior, it is not just "loose lips". I "think" I am meeting a new person that I can get to know in a new relationship, but if it is virtual stalking, then what i believe (that I have met a new person) is actually a set up by my ex to stalk me. Third party abuse is an abuse behavior listed on the "Power and Control Wheel" of abuse put out by battered womens shelter. I did not invent the term.

 

[The Albatross]

I imagine that literature has changed quite a lot from 1979-1986 to now. Thank you for explaining the term. Hopefully you'll find the forum a safer connection that what you've experiencing so far. I was in your boat... my family denied the abuse... so did my ex even though it damn near killed me and he kept tabs on me for years. Not optimal but it can be surmountable.

 

[Twilight]

Thank you for your replies. I know what i know in my gut. It is of course distressing that my T invalidates it. I am very lonely without anyone. The divorce severed every relationship bc i was isolated from everyone but family anyway, and now they side with him. So I lost my entire support system. Hopefully in time things will turn around. It is a long, slow, lonely process.

 

[Twilight]

to Casey_03
Yes, I am unsettled and scared alot whenever i feel that i have just encountered someone he has "sent" out to spy on me. I loose all trust in anyone. It really triggers me, which i'm sure is the intent. I believe he is trying to provoke me to suicide, since i have been in that emotional state before and he knows that and tries to aggravate it. He tried to force me to do all kinds of things i wont go into details, whenever i would already be suicidal. He would exploit me when i was at my lowest and suicidal.

 

[The Albatross]

You are here, on a peer forum... it may not be a lonely as you expect it to be. There are others here who will likely relate to what you share.