Sufferer Ptsd From Childhood Surgery W/o Anesthesia

[walter mitty]

Wondering if there are many others out here who had surgeries as an infant or toddler prior to the 1980s. It was NOT routine to give a baby anesthesia or any kind of pain relief in the US before 1984 or so. The children were paralyzed, but awake, alert and feeling everything being done to them. This happened to me and I have suffered from PTSD symptoms since age 5 or so. It was decades before I got all the pieces of the puzzle together to understand why I have been so screwed up all my life. There are others out there who have pre-verbal memories from surgeries and other types of invasive medical treatments as very young children. It has taken decades to be ready to talk, and I would love to compare notes with others who suspect or know that this happened to them as well.

 

[Fadeaway]

Not exactly surgery, but post sexual assault stitches when I was two. I remember everything about being in that damn E.R. so clearly. This was prior to '84 and I have always wondered why I wasn't given anything for the pain. Because they were holding me down and I was fighting them tooth and nail, they did a piss poor job. I have always been angry that I wasn't knocked out from it as it is one of my earliest memories, yet I remember it more clear than what I had for lunch yesterday.

I am so sorry you endured surgery without anesthetisa. That is so cruel.

 

[ladee]

Welcome. You are NOT alone. There are others here who have experienced what you had to endure.
I'm sorry that something this barbaric was done to you.
Even if we haven't experienced your situation.
We are here to listen and support.
Very happy you are here.

 

[shimmerz]

Yes. Major invasive surgery at 4 days old in the early 1960's.

What you are saying is absolutely correct. Children's nervous systems were thought to be immature enough that we didn't feel pain. One of the reasons that I doubt anything that is presented as a 'medical fact based on scientific studies'.

It has affected my ability to:
1. Feel pain (emotional as well as physical)
2. Feel anger
and a myriad of other issues.

Do you tend to go into extreme freeze responses?

I expect that this event in my life has a ton to do with my conversion disorder and catatonia.

Please feel free to PM me if you would like to chat further. Be well.

 

[walter mitty]

Yes. Major invasive surgery at 4 days old in the early 1960's.

What you are saying is absolutely c...

Yes. Major invasive surgery at 4 days old in the early 1960's.

What you are saying is absolutely c...

I came very close to catatonia several times, but had to learn quick how to NOT show any external response to triggers as it would open the door to questions and focus on me. I ALWAYS hid and flew under the radar. Never let anyone know what extreme symptoms I was living through. Was 30 years old before I could even write to myself admitting what occurred, and 40 before I spoke to another about it. I learned how to seriously disassociate and control/program dreaming. Even my userid tells my story. Would like to talk more and understand any desire for privacy you have when talking.

 

[FireSign8]

In the 1950's they kept us in cages. They called them hospital cribs. They were cages enclosed on 6 sides. No way to escape. Nothing like being 4 & having people hold you down as you scream & stick you with needles, cut out your tonsils & basically treat you like shit. It is one reason I refuse to go to hospitals to this day & I cannot find a dentist who will pull teeth without gas! Having any kind of a mask on my face horrifies the hell out of me. I absolutely hate the world of so called "modern" medicine! It is still barbaric in so many ways.

 

[KatieB]

Wondering if there are many others out here who had surgeries as an infant or toddler prior to the...

Hi, sorry to hear you are suffering from this. I don't know a great deal about it currently - although I have read a few articles online, and I am starting to become curious about the effect of surgery on young children. I have recently become more aware of ptsd through anxiety and disassociation issues I'm presenting which I believed, and which have been confirmed with some professionals I'm in contact with, that it is likely to be linked to ptsd from childhood surgery. I was aged 3. The year I had the surgery was 1982 but unlike your case I did have anesthetic. The operation was open heart surgery. This operation was repeated in 1991, and possibly at some stage may happen again. From what I have read online this is completely plausible and for me it finally makes sense. The symptoms fit and I feel like I have a place now from which to begin "healing" in an emotional and psychological sense. I had not realised, up until this point, how deeply it has affected me.
I am so sorry you endured an operation with no anesthetic. Are you seeking support? I am getting a sense from all I have read and researched that finding ptsd therapy/support can be difficult. I too have struggled but slowly am beginning to work this through in my own way, getting support when I need it for specific reasons.
Would be good to hear more from you on your journey to understanding more... x

 

[walter mitty]

Hi, sorry to hear you are suffering from this. I don't know a great deal about it currently - although I...

A lot of children had surgeries w/o anesthesia, but a much smaller subset have preverbal memories strong enough to have effected their growth and development. We grew up with a intense sense of horror, like living in an Edgar Allen Poe story. We had no understanding what happened or why we felt like such mutants. We have tremendous fears of the medical community we can't explain, so we avoid anything or anyone who might force us into a diagnostic or treatment setting. Those of us that do have memories, if we ever mentioned them to parents or others, were told we were nuts, that something else was wrong with us. Most of our parents had no idea that we were not given pain meds or anesthesia, and were in as much denial as we were. So we have spent decades with a HUGE confusing secret with no apparent safe solution. All the people I have found with this issue, have similar feelings and a great compulsion to seek out other to compare experiences and find answers to long held quandaries.

I have told 2 treatment professionals about my situation, both about 20 years ago. Both gave me a "Meh" response and had no interest in discussing it further. Specifically, they refused to discuss it further. I have mixed feeling seeking formal treatment even today as it is a rare therapist who gets PTSD, let alone this rather unique flavor I deal with. There is a place in West Virginia that specializes in this, but have not worked up the courage to contact them (yet).

 

[shimmerz]

Both gave me a "Meh" response and had no interest in discussing it further. Specifically, they refused to discuss it further.

Yes. This. It is incredibly difficult to place trust into a system which still refuses to acknowledge mistakes of the past. I am certain that the terrors that I feel, that I still cannot find the words for stem from this event. And I have no idea how to resolve them.

 

[KatieB]

A lot of children had surgeries w/o anesthesia, but a much smaller subset have preverbal memories...

I cannot begin to imagine how painful this must be for you (and others who have posted as well). And to be met with such awful responses from professionals must be devastating after all you have been through. I hope you are able to take some comfort in knowing that you are not alone and that through connecting with others who have similar experiences it may give you support you feel you might need.

I empathise with the fear and the the inappropriate response from professionals (I too have experienced a little of that). It has taken me some time to unpick what happened (as I had largely disconnected myself from the experience) and to realise where my symptoms and "issues" derived from. Only from this work (which has taken 2 years) have I come to a point where I've recognised its ptsd/trauma from childhood surgery. I have yearly appointments at the hospital and this year's app is at the end of next month and I am going to ask about other patients who may have similar symptoms and what I can do. I will see what response I get from them.
From what I have read, the fear, abandonment, dissociation, trust issues and confusion/difficulty concentrating (my main symptoms) are all related and a childhood trauma is particularly challenging as it can last a very long length of time (a lifetime in many cases).

I have recently been directed to a course about ptsd/trauma and how to release it from the body - I am in the UK but you may have something similar...? I will try anything to enable me to move through this painful memory so I can live what I believe may eventually be a more satisfying life.
I think you are amazing to cope with all you have and to be seeking others who have similar experiences.

 

[Haden]

I'm so sorry to hear about such a tragedy. This is the most barbaric thing I've heard of in this realm. I have ptsd from something similar but I was 13. I truly and honestly feel your pain and suffering. We have each other, that's all that matters. I don't know you, but I care about you. I hate what they do to people so much. Nobody deserves that. Nobody. They think they can get away with that crap because "children don't form memories until this or this age...". I remember being BORN. I hate them. Just know that there are others out there like me who truly and genuinely CARE because we KNOW. They don't. And I'm sorry for this.

 

[barefoot]

I had no idea that this used to happen and I'm horrified!

I had some medical procedures when I was younger (in my teens) and I've only recently come to realise that they were traumatic. But they were nothing like the level you are describing i.e. surgery without anaesthetic. I know my experiences of those things still impact me now so I cannot begin to imagine the aftermath of the horrendous, brutal experiences you - and others have posted in this thread - have endured.

I'm so sorry this happened to you and I hope that you have found someone to talk to and to work through this with.