I'm glad to have come across this forum. Its been a long time since I've had an episode and its back with a vengeance. A little background, I grew up in a very abusive household. My mom was the prototype boomerang battered wife. My dad was a WWII Navy vet with what was called "shell shock". He had a very explosive temper and drank to self medicate. On numerous occasions he went on "hunts" meaning he would beat my mother up. She would take us out of the house "on the run", he would get drunk grab his shotgun and stalk us/chase us down. On one occasion, I watched him lay down in his truck as he hit the back of my mothers car at a high speed with her and my sister in the car. A few months later she would go back to him saying he was a good man and didn't mean it. I took a job in law enforcement when I grew up naively thinking I could protect others from going through what I did. I watched that cycle happen in many families with similar results realizing I was powerless to stop it from happening. I had a partner (I'm gay) of 10 years who ended up being killed in the line of duty. After his death, I had a hard time putting my life back together, started working all the time, double shifts for weeks on end as work seemed to be the only thing I did well. I started avoiding friends and family, staying in the house all the time and just generally trying not to feel.
Ultimately, I tried to hang myself as I just couldn't bear it anymore as all the little compartments I stuffed my emotions into all seemed to open at once. Thankfully the rope broke. I went into therapy and learned what ptsd is and worked with a therapist intensely for about a year. I decided to change careers, moved cross country and started fresh. My new career took off, I did all the things I wanted to do, ie buy a house restore old cars etc. But I did these things on my own as it was comfortable and life was great for a few years. I recently broke out of my shell and started dating again. I met someone I really liked and things were going well when I started getting hypervigilant, which scared me, so I slowed it down a bit. Then the nightmares started again, I started getting very irritable at work and I started shutting down to him. I started getting angry and hopeless at the same time again as I felt like dammit, when does this stop. At that time, I told him I have PTSD and need a little space to work through some things. That started the barrage of texts and calls of "are you ok", "do you still like me" etc. It made me feel even worse about myself. I explained my scenario to him more fully and asked him to please read a little about PTSD and that might help him understand a little better. Briefly started to feel like ending it all again as I feel like I'm right back where I began. I started therapy again a few weeks ago trying to work my way back. I saw him tonight face to face as he left something at my house that he needed. He made the comment that "guess he dodged a bullet, its shitty that stuff happened to me. and what can he say he knows I can't control it right now." I rarely cry, but certainly did at that moment as he turned and walked away. I feel like such a freak right now. Does it ever get better?
Ultimately, I tried to hang myself as I just couldn't bear it anymore as all the little compartments I stuffed my emotions into all seemed to open at once. Thankfully the rope broke. I went into therapy and learned what ptsd is and worked with a therapist intensely for about a year. I decided to change careers, moved cross country and started fresh. My new career took off, I did all the things I wanted to do, ie buy a house restore old cars etc. But I did these things on my own as it was comfortable and life was great for a few years. I recently broke out of my shell and started dating again. I met someone I really liked and things were going well when I started getting hypervigilant, which scared me, so I slowed it down a bit. Then the nightmares started again, I started getting very irritable at work and I started shutting down to him. I started getting angry and hopeless at the same time again as I felt like dammit, when does this stop. At that time, I told him I have PTSD and need a little space to work through some things. That started the barrage of texts and calls of "are you ok", "do you still like me" etc. It made me feel even worse about myself. I explained my scenario to him more fully and asked him to please read a little about PTSD and that might help him understand a little better. Briefly started to feel like ending it all again as I feel like I'm right back where I began. I started therapy again a few weeks ago trying to work my way back. I saw him tonight face to face as he left something at my house that he needed. He made the comment that "guess he dodged a bullet, its shitty that stuff happened to me. and what can he say he knows I can't control it right now." I rarely cry, but certainly did at that moment as he turned and walked away. I feel like such a freak right now. Does it ever get better?
