What do you do when you only feel good cutting or hurting yourself?

[flesh and blood]

I signed a lease to live with one person in a 3 bedroom house and our work schedules are opposites so hopefully I'll be alone more. I try to relax and meditate and stuff but it never works I just end up making lists of stuff that needs done or fixating on arguments or stuff like that. I've tried but it never seems to bring me down as quick or as much when I cut Its like I'm in a field of grass and the winds is in my hair and no one is around and it's safe for just a second and then I can lock in and do my day to day stuff.

I'm working as a assistant manager and the sex work is earning me so much and tbh I'm good at it my return rate is very high and I've just gotten a offer to be on reserve for a guy in exchange for a monthly payment.

Relaxation and meditation doesn’t do shit if your intensity is high, it won’t work. What can work for me is jumping in a freezing cold shower, it honestly kinda feels like self harm, sometimes the jumping in cold shower is too unpleasant so I’ll hold on to an ice cube in my hand, if you hold on to it for a while it starts to hurt, I keep holding it even if I want to drop it, and fixate on how it melts, I will also follow these procedures with loud screaming (sometimes screaming helps lower my disturbance), if I’m not too intensely triggered I will also punch my pillow until I get tired or start doing push-ups until I get tired, but this doesn’t work if I’m feeling too intense. Now the trick about these is to also distract yourself after you have shocked your body, that’s important, so I will play music that makes me wanna shake ass or try to think about something not triggering, but sometimes I really don’t want to distract myself so then I don’t do this and just hold the ice cube to decrease the intensity slightly while still being mentally unstable. Try doing this, the suggestions some therapists give like meditation and all that shit work for people that don’t have as high of intensity as we do, you need to be in a calm place to even be able to meditate, you can’t get yourself out of an episode or immediately lower the intensity by meditation.

Honestly when you have regular clients that you know, it’s definitely better bc they’re more predictable, you know what to expect from them, and they usually don’t do stupid shit because they want to keep you around. I don’t think there’s anything bad with sex work tbh, I’d be doing it again if it didn’t trigger me. The only thing with sex work is that it can be retraumatizing for sureee, and if you’re too overwhelmed you can’t fully notice how it affects you. But anyway hope this new lease thing works out for you. hopefully you know this person and they’re not a f*cking weirdo. How long till you move in? I gotta say when I got my own place everything was sooo much easier.

 

[parrotthepolly]

I continue hurting myself of course!

But honestly it doesn't always "hurt" but it's still miserable