What do you do when being social is too difficult or a trigger?

[whiteraven]

I walk, play with my cats, take pictures, write. I don't do social anymore--I got so tired of people telling me for years that my problems stemmed from not being with people. What a joke! Some of us are not wired to be social. I know it takes a huge amount of energy, and it's just not worth it to make other people happy.

 

[Response]

I decided not to be social anymore—5 years and counting. From being a total extrovert who enjoyed being with people to living in a hole where only 4 more people can enter. I can't stand it anymore. A bereaved parent here. I dislike small talk, so there is nothing to say to anyone. If asked, "How are you doing?" people want to hear that I am fine because my sadness and depression from my tragedy and trauma make them uncomfortable. So, asocial for life. That's all I have been doing for five years, and I can't see it will ever change. All my friends were very supportive, but I lost them because most of them believe that I should have turned the grief switch off a long time ago.

Hi, I totally get what your saying because I too am like you. I am a bereaved parent my teen took his life. I hate saying that sentence but it the only way I feel I could get you to relate. At first for the first 5 years, I spent time going to the bar I made friends with the locals. Most of the bar flys had there own set of emotional problems so I felt somewhat safe. But I was drinkin everyday. Im not gonna lie I looked forward to that escape and having music on from the jute box and nobody would mess with me because they knew my story. Then I stopped. I knew I couldnt live that way any longer. Well this past year, I now have isolated myself. I do not have one friend. I will only appear to family events, I do feel safe with family. I get excited when ever there is a family event but lets just say thats maybe on a birthday or holiday. So im a complete loner. I live off a small trust that pays the rent but, im using broke and overdrawn before next check comes in. My day looks like this: wake up comb hair put on leggings and slippers. Drink 3 cups of coffee. Watch tv. Journal. Make a few anxiety drivven phone calls, example trying to get on the care program to lower my utility bills. Look at the ptsd forum. Walk dog at 4. Clean cat box bed at 8:30. I do the same thing every single day. Only people i talk to is bill people. I went on match. Com to find a mate. I often cancel my dates. I dont feel like putting on make- up and finding an outfit. And once they know about my lifestyle they prolly arnt gonna like it. Anyways if you wNt to exchange numbers. I would like too. From one bereaved parent to another who is also alone. Thanks Lisa age 50

I stay home, go home, listen to music, read, eat. Sit in the garden.

Is that enough is that ok? Why do I feel so terrible about what I do during each day. I watch tv. Clean the cat box, hang out with my kittens, look at this forum walk the dog and journal. No friends no weekend fun. Just me myself and I. I think shit if I was recovering from a major surgery this is what my life would look like. That makes me sad

My approach is similar, but I focus on book clubs. It's one of the few social activities that encourages bringing notes about what you want to say.

Why am I so scared to join a club or anything? Why does it seem like so much work to put make- up or get out the door. My heart starts pounding. I know I have gad but i never had social anxiety before. I dont know what my problem is.

 

[Brumbyinthesunshine]

I decided not to be social anymore—5 years and counting. From being a total extrovert who enjoyed being with people to living in a hole where only 4 more people can enter. I can't stand it anymore. A bereaved parent here. I dislike small talk, so there is nothing to say to anyone. If asked, "How are you doing?" people want to hear that I am fine because my sadness and depression from my tragedy and trauma make them uncomfortable. So, asocial for life. That's all I have been doing for five years, and I can't see it will ever change. All my friends were very supportive, but I lost them because most of them believe that I should have turned the grief switch off a long time ago.

Grief has no time line - no end date- it is just managed .
Your post really stands out ! Firstly - not many understand grief.
You are right in saying( paraphrasing) people vanish . Yes they DO fall off the face of the earth if they dont see a bubbly vibrant , hyper happy person! Thats the cruel side of the world for you. How are you doing - is such superficial BS ! Have you noticed the question is almost rhetorical?? They dont really give a toss or they ask expecting "Yeah amazing ! Brilliant all is Wonderful !"
Please talk to someone who cares and people in this community and those who will stick by you. Point is people hang around in the Good times for longer but the hard times the ones that ache and burn - they run! They drop like flies .
Stay strong. Hour by hour.

 

[Lizorbetty]

I am trying to remember things I liked to do before fawning became my life. And going out is not an option right now. Too many people....lol (I live in Florida - snowbirds all the time now) I just remembered I used to sew. On a real sewing machine. And made clothing. How did I forget that? And I was pretty good. Not sure if I was forced to sew or not but there it is. I have forgotten all of the things I liked. What do you like to do?

Also, how do ease back in to social stuff? I am not one that eases into anything. Bull - china shop, yeah that is me. I am game for any and all responses. Thank you and please remember to take care of yourself.

Yes experience new things

 

[Lizorbetty]

Grief has no time line - no end date- it is just managed .
Your post really stands out ! Firstly - not many understand grief.
You are right in saying( paraphrasing) people vanish . Yes they DO fall off the face of the earth if they dont see a bubbly vibrant , hyper happy person! Thats the cruel side of the world for you. How are you doing - is such superficial BS ! Have you noticed the question is almost rhetorical?? They dont really give a toss or they ask expecting "Yeah amazing ! Brilliant all is Wonderful !"
Please talk to someone who cares and people in this community and those who will stick by you. Point is people hang around in the Good times for longer but the hard times the ones that ache and burn - they run! They drop like flies .
Stay strong. Hour by hour.

I have done this my whole life. I thought at 61 my ptsd was in check. I now find or feel a sense of betrayal from past friendships and family. Who just thinks that I can just move on. I feel utter sadness when I take a long look at my life. Because of a significant amount of new trauma, I am stuck in Fawn mode. I have lost complete faith in humanity. I don’t want to be this reclusive loner in my retirement years.

 

[whiteraven]

I also stopped trying to be social. Everyone--I mean everyone, including family, friends, health providers, and strangers--have told me all my life that I'd feel better if I'd be more social.

For some of us, that's just not true. I've tried all sorts of things, and being with people just makes me feel anxious or more alone. So I finally realized I didn't have to be just because others said I did.

Does that leave me lonely? Yes, sometimes. But I've made some loose connections with others who don't really like being social, so we understand each other. And I have cats. :-)

There is a LOT of stuff I've enjoyed doing in the past, but the only thing now is nature photography and writing. And those are only sometimes. I've lost interest in most everything these days.