What Do You Do When You Reach A Limit?

[citygirlonyou]

I am glad you all posted this because lately as well, I am feeling, "Where is the limit?". I have been through a lot and there is now a lot more going on and my PTSD does not help the situation at all. I think that I have reached my lowest and realize that this still isn't the bottom yet. I think and I hope that PTSD sometimes goes in cycles and I know I can feel okay one day and the next day something triggers me and I feel so low. I notice though lately as I have been getting better and I have from the day I was diagnosed. But, now as I am getting better and I use that term loosely, I am getting a lot of anger.
I don't even know if there is a limit. I just wish I never hit mine. But, thank you for all of this, I was wondering if I was the only one that felt this way.

 

[712xx]

I can relate to this thread. For me, walking away is just as much trying to save my own sanity as it is trying to prevent an inappropriate outburt on my behalf (even though it is sometimes warrented). In my experience, any kind of personal interaction where I reveal any kind of trauma in my past -- this seems to give them permission to start bullying me, or at the very least become passive aggressive.

Without fail, my damaged background catches up with me. I used to have to reveal my issues (not the cause of the issues, but had to tell my work & school about ptsd & related problems) because I needed a few accomidations (quiet work space, minimal group activity, extended testing time, extra breaks due to my messed up digestive system, ...etc). People in authority over me have acted like, since they are forced to do these "favors" for me, they can make my life miserable by their passive aggressive attitudes & outright bullying. If I say anything to try & reason with them into stopping, they act like they don't know what I'm talking about. I'm not a whistle blower about every little insult or slight against me -- i just take for a while & hope the fun of it will fade with time. After a yr & a half (plenty of time for them to have stopped & moved on) ... I left. They win. Kudos to them for their persistence.

I know my situation isn't exactly the same as the OP, but having to physically leave to save yourself is something I can understand. There were days I just wanted to end my life because I can't change who I am and what my physical reactions are -- and many are very embarassing (IBS, stuttering, skin break outs, flushing, hot flashes with flashbacks, ...etc). I can't help any of this, but people make fun of these things. I can poke fun of myself sometimes, but not everyday. Sometimes I just need a little kindness and patients -- just like everyone.

One day, I hope to be able to give a kind word to someone who is in great need of it. This is one of the things that keeps me going. Even if no one will ever care on a human level about me, I can stay around for others who need a morale booster.

best wishes ...
hope all here find their inner comfort & care enough about them self, so you don't need anyone else
--{@

 

[Springer80]

I could really use some help with this. I'm in new territory and I don't know if I can trust my natural instinct.

I've been off work since the beginning of April! It's the longest I've ever been signed off sick.

I was a high achiever at school, for a while, I struggled a bit in my A levels on the creative subjects that mattered most to me. I got a reasonable place at Uni. I never got anything lower than 75% but my attendance was erratic, drug use, isolation etc. I couldn't cope, I walked out. I went back, I dropped out.

A few crap jobs later, I got a job in a sector that didn't interest me but there was lots of role models to impress and I got a pay rise, a promotion, I wrote my own job description, another pay rise etc etc.

I wasn't happy there, I wasn't committed to it. I left and went back to college. Very difficult to manage. Good grades but erratic attendance, sleeping alot, trying to save the universe via the local womens centre!!

Then I got a job in my current sector, I've been in it for since Jan 2006. worked my backside off. Got a post grad in Nov 2009 but I became absolutlely exhausted.

My nervous system is knackered. So much adrenaline for years and then went into bi-phasic response, so I was going out dancing all night and doing 25 mile walks on no reserves thinking, I have to carry on, I can push through it.

In March last year I finished a secondment, my first, albeit junior role, at a professional level, Finally I thought I can get out of this place. I went part time to give myself more space. I moved my lodger out. I moved into a new small flat on my own. I thought I was making progress becasue I was making decisions but they were all energy saving ones and I didn't realise it. I still had the adrenaline thing though. I decided to do an immense charity walk. All the walking on my own reminded me of my teenage years. Nowhere to go, nowhere to stop. When I didn't have the rushes, I was in bed. I got vitamin d defeicnecy.

I feel like the subtifuge has dropped off me and I can't summon up the energy. I don't want to bring it back anyway.Being two different people is horrible. Me and a freind joke about it like we're cross dressers! For light relief but my 'drag act has left the building' full stop. I'm making jokes but I don't know what the hell to do.

Seriously, how do a build something new based on a un-integrated stage of arrested development? Is it crazy to try? Am I kidding myself? Everyone has a work face right?

All 'normal' people I have asked for advice think I would be bonkers to 'throw' away the hard work I have put in. What they don't understand is that that was hard work trying to be something I'm not.

My gut says, cut and run do something else. My 'society' head says your being childishly idealistic. My other head sayd you deserve to be happy!!! You know the score....Any advice

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I had a situation where I just could not cope with the status quo, and just walked away without a word. To this day I still do not know what else I could have done. I had enough. I did not want it anymore. It was not worth anything to me at all. So I just kept my mouth shut and walked away and did not look back.

I felt I had gone as far as I could go. I had no where else to turn. I did not want to give second chances. I said uncle and gave up. I think it was a good decision. I have not regretted it. It was just so sad. I am not a coward but my back was up against a wall. Mabe this is a normal occurance in abnormal times.

 

[Springer80]

Thanks Gizmo,

I'm glad you replied, I've been feeling really low and vulnerable. I've been having a bit of the old suicicdal idealisation stuff. Don't worry I've been having it since I was 15 (half my life now) and although I've written letters and collected material I've never tried or self harmed. It's just it so wearing and upsetting because I don't understand why I can think like that. Fight, Flight, Freeze, Death, Conufsion...over and over. And I keep idealising the situation that would give me peace, like if I just hang on I'll pop up on the other side, with a lovely partner and a happy family!! and I won't have to deal with the world...HA!

I feel like I'm losing the plot but actually its just I can't pretend anymore. It's so scary though. I'm sat in this flat most days wondering what the hell am I going to do? I'm living in my head because I have no structure. Going to the gym, a meditation centre, and occasionally seeing friends. I can't be bothered to cook well or keep the place organised, which isn't like the old me at all. I haven't budgeted money or looked at bills or anything? I have no strategy for whats happening and it doesn't bother me in the slightest.

The worst thing is it reminds me of my abusers dysfunctional lifestyle. I've always been so responsible as a response to that.

It's such a lonely stage and I keep getting new perspective on some of the horrible stages of my life. How adrift and compliant I've been and how thats led to a lot extra trauma. I knew it at the time of course but now I get to see it again and feel it this time.

The best way I can put it is like I've fought all this time to inherit 'the car' and I've done it! I'm in the drivers seat at last...it's just no bugger told me that the gear box is screwed and the brake has turned to mush. So all the things I planed to do in the drivers seat can't be. Or thas what it feells like. It's seems cruel.

If you don't mind me asking, what did you walk away from and did you have somewhere to go or did you start from scratch and what did you build? Has it worked? Does it suit you more?

Thanks Again X

 

[Springer80]

PS, I think it's interesting the Gave up' idea. It makes you feel bad but actually 'giving up' in the case of ptsd sufferers ,isn't that just finally not trying to fit yourself in a box that doesn't fit.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Hi, I walked away from all of my life in a small town and I broke off contact with everyone I knew. I sold my house and moved far away. I started over in a new town. It is lonely but I do not have crazy making or high drama in my life anymore.

I have lived here over a year now. I miss having friends, but I have a life that is mine. It was a good choice to move away. I am still taking baby steps. I have my family which helps alot.

 

[Springer80]

That's very brave! You sound like your pleased with it over all. I'm glad for you and I'm sure over time and quite naturally you'll develop new mates etc :) . I put a quote in from this book I love....

"You'd be surprised how many people violate this simple principle every day of their lives and try to fit square pegs into round holes, ignoring the clear reality that Things Are As They Are." - Benjamin Hoff, The Tao of Pooh (The Eastern Philosophy of Winnie & Co, how cute!!)

Well I think I'm finally stopping pushing myself into ill-fitting holes :x3::laugh: , it's just I think that having ptsd makes you a star shaped peg and I need a particular hole :giggle:. If you get me?!!

I was speaking to someone at the meditation centre the other day and he said he thought I'm in a very interesting place. I agree, as long as the PTSD symptoms don't screw it up. You don't have much time to figure stuff out and make a move before responsibilities hit you back into line. It's weird though how I keep thinking in the same old patterns about my options. Jobs, Moving, Salary, etc etc. This guy I'm talking too, he's going to live in the mountains for a month. Just like that!

Also the only thing i've ever wanted was love!!:sick: :inlove::roflmao: so it kind of upsets my compass for making practical decisions...e.g. 'Shall I go and help on a farm in Italy for a few weeks? Me to myself...'Oh that sounds lovely and relaxing, you've always wanted to go to Italy. Yeah but will it change anything once your back.

People always go on about compromise like its the grown up thing to do and your spoilt if you don't. Well I've been compromised enough....Thanks Gizmo...All the best for your new situation X

 

[DharmaGirl]

Gizmo, I have wanted to do that! Just move away to somewhere where I can start over and no one has a definition of me yet. I could be free...