DID Did and me

[White0nWhite]

One thing that was hard to sallow early last year was realizing that my spirit guides - while yeah, they probably exist to an extent. They also act very much in the way DID (dissociative identity disorder) acts when I'm stressed out and they would "possess" me and "front" I think I was just channeling my spirit guides and they were handling life for me when it got too hard. I didn't have the sources really to put two and two together that trauma can create these alters to help you *cope* with trauma and the stress that fallows....

A friend had given me a book and I shrugged it off... some time in '09 I think, other friends came forward (all online) and again shrugged it off. It wasn't until some things got really heavy after I got an abusive partner out of my life and some kids (literally teenage kids) were causing a ruckus on tumblr.. I noticed this wasn't channeling spirit guides ( at least not 100% of the time ) but my alters doing their jobs and keeping me safe and sane and not letting things get to me.

Periods where they'd front would be lost to me. I'd lose time and have amnesia. And things would get done (adult life things.. like taking care of me when I was alone in Florida...and during other periods of my life too when things were so stressful I'd cry a bit, and they'd just climb into the front seat.. stuff like that... The list goes on and on. I don't know where I'd be with out them. While I'm glad they exist, my headmates that is... I thought like, doesn't everyone have people in their minds that help them deal with stuff? I don't get how I could go on with out them. They've been with me - some of them since 1999. And others probably as early as my childhood but wearing other faces.

Anyone else here have DID/Headmates/Systems some kind of spirit guide er thing that helps you get through life? I mean. When my life came falling down around me when this all surfaced -- they are what made me stand strong. I wasn't open about them at all until 2008 and was just calling them my spirit guides (they'll never front or write here. Well, Aubrey may help at times- but I don't know how he feels about it because again we *both* went through some traumatic stuff in 2015.) This is still pretty new for me. I had people -suggest- or imply I had something like DID for a while now with out open and real Aubrey is to me. I was in such denial that it could possibly DID and from trauma. But we can't turn away from it anymore. Aubrey and I for better or worse, live in this body and have to face the truth.

With that said, I realized the other (younger) alters that are in me are all trauma holders, children and a teenager and it's like all my childhood and some teenage trauma got pulled out of me and they hold it all, the memories and the emotions. While I still feel some emotion from it, and remember everything, They bare it all. I've thought of therapy but they really (the younger alters) don't want to talk to anyone about it, they don't like therapists because they've seen my past therapist treat me pretty badly. Not to mention money is super tight. (for the record: they rarely if at all ever front, and wouldn't front at work. I don't think they even want to. The world scares them :\)

I know this is like a word salad, and I could go on about my other alters too if people have questions. None of them are dangerous. Just everyone's a part of me but also not me. It's this tricky thing I'm trying to get my head around. So yeah, does anyone else have DID here too?

 

[The Albatross]

Wanted to acknowledge that I've read your post and am considering how to answer it later perhaps. I don't have DID but I have some tendencies/aspects of DID... fractured personality is the term the shrink used.

I was around "new age" influences early on... as it was my mother's fascination... and puttered for a while at the edges though I resisted throwing in "whole hog" various metaphysical stuff. Though I am thought, and have demonstrated some abilities.

I like what you share about re: spirit guides, "They also act very much in the way DID (dissociative identity disorder) acts when I'm stressed out and they would "possess" me and "front" I think I was just channeling my spirit guides and they were handling life for me when it got too hard. I didn't have the sources really to put two and two together that trauma can create these alters to help you *cope* with trauma and the stress that fallows...." - as I pretty much came to that conclusion on my own by being in and around those who dabble or more in the metaphysical and how it affected their lives. I was offered training by a nationally recognized psychic twice and declined. I am a self described closed channel now and renewed my Christian faith. I did that basically to anchor myself in my foundational opinion that it was an instinctual self protection ability resulting from trauma rather than something "I" was doing and more importantly to me, that was a more generally beneficial belief than opening myself up entirely and wholly into the spiritual/metaphysical realm - which to me was problematic because there is not a lot of fact based stuff to weigh such things against and I needed more rationality... not less. I though personally never threw in with "spirit guides per se... more like animal totems. Albatross is one.

I too came to conclude in a rather long and round about way... that (though not to the degree you were coping - "possession") I was experiencing lost time or out of body stuff as a throwback hardwired response to trauma survival to protect my psyche. For me it's a hyper awareness and instinctual response for self protection and safety rather like curb feelers that used to be on vehicles so as not to overshoot the curb but to "feel the way along when you can't see" and park safely and more accurately. (a description for it I've used here before a very long time ago)

Others here don't or won't see it that way at all... and that's okay but it's not a word salad and I understand what you are conveying.

This is an aspect/topic of metaphysical and trauma adaptation that to my recollection has not been discussed before. Hope it is assistive for you.

(added in edit... Hmmm, answered anyways though not in as much depth. I didn't think I'd "go there" so I kinda surprised myself)

 

[The Albatross]

Old thread... may be worth a read. My opinion's in there somewhere though maybe not to the extent that I've already shared... others have weighed in too. Ironically it was a poll and I was still on the fence apparently at the time because I didn't vote. Has Ptsd Increased Any Physic Abilities?

 

[The Albatross]

Apparently this topic is of renewed interest for me. In certain circles I was considered an Empath, a Medical Intuitive, an Indigo Child turned Crystal and I can see auras and at times those who have passed if I "open" not unlike the book by Edgar Casey The Boy Who Saw True. Ultimately I rejected all of that due to unwanted and unnecessary complications in my own personal life in favor of a more generally beneficial way of being... which is that I am a being with a physical body for a reason and I have work to do and it is a distraction that is personally beneficial for me to ignore... so I chose to close myself and endeavored to throw myself into personal recovery - to do the work on this life, right here right now rather than mix it all up with other stuff.

Something, if it's available to you that I found assistive immensely was cranio-sacral therapy. I had to learn how to attend to when I'm "out" or only "half way in" my body with conscious awareness and then be able to put myself "back in" my body with awareness. This has helped me to minimize the episodes I have (only a couple to a few every year now) and also to integrate better with my physical body which I was just basically dragging around for many years because "I" was hovering about 2 inches outside of my body at about the bridge of my nose.

Whew... at risk of sounding like a nutter... that is some of my take on this and is my personal experience.

 

[White0nWhite]

Ahh yeah, and much of what you said I can relate to. While in Florida I was deeply involved in various pagan and metaphysical groups--none of them hurt me. They all were very kind. It was a close friend who did hurt me in 2015- at the time, with spiritual stuff. But I'll save that bit for the diaries.

I was trying to find healing from the 2000 situation but "getting involved" in the pagan communities in Florida... and all the while, just kind of getting in too deep and noticing that it felt, off. There was something missing. And the ex partner of mine was also getting in way over her head with her own spiritual spooky stuff. (2015 thing)

Which at the time, again, I thought I was just channeling Aubrey. And she had all these otherworldly questions. Aubrey couldn't answer them. He would often itch and mutter how he wasn't allowed to- probably out of fear of being called fake. Aubrey now, these days, has little interest in giving cold readings or even working with magick or the spiritual he just wants to peacefully *exist* along side me with no pull from any direction. Crystals are pretty to have around the bedroom, the charms on my neck make me feel safe and act as a form of stimming (from anxiety and autism) so there's that . Everything seems to have slowed down to a shimmer in that (spiritual) aspect. I mean, I'm sure the groups in Florida meant no ill will. But I saw a bunch of cattiness in their actions, clicks, groups, and it made me feel a bit uncomfortable, Aubrey too. It didn't feel *real* like he felt real. Or like praying or talking to my patron god in the woods felt real. (I'm gonna guess like your relationship with God)

When I came home- in March...back to Maryland I found myself more grounded with my older patron god as I said above. And things calmed a bit. No more crazy spooky spiritual stuff where I'm digging around and scrying for answers "is this DID or is this spiritual???" and using pendulums. Now it's just "this is DID but I'm okay with no solid answers on the rest, because we're happy with things being still. They keep me safe and that's all that matters." Just solid faith and in knowing my patron god is there. A relationship with him which, feels grounded and less likely to get me into the kind of trouble I landed myself in back in 2015. Maybe everything that went down in 2015 lead me to needing more solid fact other than blind openness to the metaphysical that was a major part of my life for years. And understanding there's a bit more to this whole channeling thing than that- I mean, There's so many examples that lead to DID. I feel safer that way, and it explains the younger ones inside me which the other guys constantly go inside the comfort. If that at all makes any sense. But I don't feel like I have to ask the "pros" so to speak for answers, because in the long run, it doesn't matter.

It's like... I don't want people asking me to channel this, or that, because I'm not sure how that all works (anymore, and I'm tired of questioning myself and the intentions of others... Aubrey just wants to have FUN not... explain what life-choice someone should make). And the lost time. And I know there *is* a spirit Aubrey, but what tacks away at the keyboard and "possesses" me may very well be an alter. And as he likes to say in my mind "science the *beep* out of it, and no one can make up things about what I'm doing and manipulate you with me." which has happened (in 2000 and AGAIN in 2015). I keep saying this; a few years ago I'd die with out a solid answer. Now...it doesn't matter. He keeps me safe and protects me and spooky or DID I do not care. DID clinically though, because boy is it there.

Thanks for your input I really value it <3. And if you would like to say more feel free, I'll probably explain the 2000-2002 ritual abuse and the all out mind screw of 2015. This again tangent but I really thank you for everything.

 

[The Albatross]

None of them hurt me either (not the group you mention) but that really wasn't the point. The point was it was a distraction from a present and physical problem and I could distract with it or endeavor to commit to living THIS life and do my work and create or actualize it. So that's what I'm doing.

 

[The Albatross]

Quartz sand attracted those you speak of to our area because of "amplification". I was in Florida for 36 years but San Diego before that and they had a huge metaphysical collective there as well. Now ensconced in a new state I know what you mean about feeling more grounded, even though I've only been away from the Gulf Coast a couple weeks or so.

Maybe you can come up with a life and present affirming core belief about what your life is to be about... that's what worked for me.

Oddly part of my story was that I had a recovery peer who was a victim of extreme Satanic Ritual Abuse... I consider it a blessing that the right people were in the right places at the right time to guide me and share with me and even help me to close the channel to have some peace from intrusions without the hocus pocus.

We can take it to PC if you want. Wonder what the rest of the input here will be now... :whistling::whistling::whistling: :nailbiting: ;)

 

[The Albatross]

You may also want to address your issues, depending on your inclinations now here: Earth-centered Spirituality: Pagan, Wiccan, Druid, Native American, Other

 

[FireSign8]

I happen to adore your "word salad" & I'd like an extra order to go please! We might be related because everything you wrote could have come from my mind too!

I stopped trying to figure all of it out years ago & it was like the ocean finally stopped smashing my body against the rocks & allowed me to swim like the other fish in the sea! I was told I had MPD (Multiple Personality Disorder) in the late 1960's & thorizine was the drug they gave us to make us numb & cause us to drool while sitting in group therapy in a state mental ward. I got "rewired" into normal society & became a robot wife, mother & unhappy citizen of greed.

22 years later, I had a string of events that led me back to wanting to experiment with drugs & alcohol again. I ended up in therapy with a child to raise & learned about DID. I still don't get why no one ever tries to work WITH the patient instead of trying to force the patient into a mold of normalcy...What is normal??? I learned what worked & adapted to my surroundings instead of fighting things that just would not go away, I learned how to communicate with them. I found that colors, numbers & letters made better sense in my head than formal names did for these constant "invaders" that were often keeping me awake for days on end without using drugs!

So, I really enjoy reading things like this because it tells me that there are other people who know the real world of past present & future is there to be seen if we are bold enough to open our eyes & hearts to let the information in!;)

 

[Ronin]

Just everyone's a part of me but also not me. It's this tricky thing I'm trying to get my head around.

If it helps any, even singlet people / one mind in body are technically themselves, yet not themselves, with the passing of time. The same person, and not who they were a minute ago.

With more minds present, it just gets more pronounced in different ways.

& Yes to the 'guides' question. Some of us are people who had experience dealing with trauma that was darned new to 'the body' that particular time, lending a helping hand. It's usually not the nature or perceived nature of us that causes the deep disconnect, but the trauma both ways. Not wanting any of it, let alone multiple of it.

I basically need quite open / spiritual & educated trauma therapist when looking, which with D.I.D. & combat/death/other funs as primary traumas is already difficult, but heck, people with caring hearts are findable, if I don't shut off mine in the process.

 

[Hope4Now]

I have animal spirit guides, two humanish guides, and several of what christians would call angels. They do not live my life for me, nor front me, nor much of anything else except guide me and give me hope and help me see the wisdom of nature that surrounds me. It has been a great gift for me to have had the opportunity to do some work with shamanism. For the first time in my life, my experiences were linked to experiences of other people and I no longer feel like a freak. Through my carefully selected practices and teachers, I have learned a great deal about controlling the spiritual experiences so that I do not become dissociated, only more aware.

I think its so important for people to find some kind of spiritual path that works for them and helps them to be healthy. It is testament to your growing self-awareness OP that you recognized that what was happening to you was not serving you well. I wish you well on your journey.

 

[BlueOrange]

My diagnosis is DID. You might have DID, based on your description, but maybe you don't. DID is a disorder where a protective mechanism malfunctions and causes problems. You've described a protective mechanism, but you haven't described any problems. (The forgetting might be a problem, but it might not be a problem. It depends very much on what you forget, when you forget it, and how hard it is to get it back.)