I Have No Outlet

[Deleted member 41702]

I can't feel or show love or affection. I don't feel joy, and the thought of sharing my life with someone is so frightening I'd rather live all alone. Other people scare me. they really do. I can't stand being around others. I have no outlet for my emotions either. Soon I'll be able to drown my sorrowsd. If that doesn't have any effect, then I'll cross that off the list and try something else. I am convinced therapy is never going to work out for me, as i have tried several therapists as well as medication. I'm trying my best to focus on school. The only reason I go to school is to get a job and earn money. I believe marriage, partnerships and parenthood are terrible mistakes that I never wish to make. I feel less alone in my room than in the classroom at school or at the mall.

 

[blackandwhite2017]

Hi Dexter,

I share many thoughts with you!

I can't feel or show love or affection. Check
I don't feel joy, and the thought of sharing my life with someone is so frightening I'd rather live all alone. Check
Other people scare me. they really do. I can't stand being around others. Check
I have no outlet for my emotions either. Check
Soon I'll be able to drown my sorrowsd. Well I sometimes drink, but rarely large because I am on a budget and drinks cost.
I am convinced therapy is never going to work out for me, as i have tried several therapists as well as medication. I am only with my first official therapist, and despite the process being very hard, I am forcing myself to be truthful to her. Maybe you can try finding someone who you decide you are able to trust logically, and then forcing yourself to reveal your secrets gradually?
I'm trying my best to focus on school. The only reason I go to school is to get a job and earn money. Check
I believe marriage, partnerships and parenthood are terrible mistakes that I never wish to make. Check
I feel less alone in my room than in the classroom at school or at the mall. Check Check Check!

 

[Esterio]

Hi Dexter
Welcome to this community. As HelloWorld314 pointed out we share much of the same thoughts. So as you can see you are not in this alone anymore.
I am older now 62. My trauma's are all over 40 years ago. I Have been through a couple Of T's and a whole mental health team and enough medications to make me sick and felt like I was dying.
So far it has been a hard road I drank to excess for most of my life, I went though some years hopelessly addicted to hard drugs. I was so bad at 17 after I had recovered. I saw a picture of me It was a mug shot I did not recognize myself in the picture that was taken of me 8 months earlier, the only way that I knew it was me was my name was below the picture. So I don't recommend that to you. It destroyed my life. I have never gotten over those days. I don't drink any more. I only use Cannabis now under a doctors sort of supervision.
I made that mistake of getting married we were together for 10 years. The last few we hardly touched. I am really happy that we had no children. I have a major fear of intimacy and do not let very many people touch me, they need to have a valid reason.
I have been isolated now for almost 8 months now. I only go to appointments and to go shopping if I have too.
I disagree with only one thing that has been said. I do think that the only way forward is in therapy. The problem is the availability of a therapist that you can trust that has the necessary skill to help you work through all of your trauma's.
The only place I get the feeling that I am heard and understood for who I am and what happened to me with no judgements levelled at me really is here at MY PTSD. I don't know what the answer is. I have very little contact with my remaining family or most of my so called friends, none of them seem to care much about me. I take that as their loss. I have no time left for one sided judgemental relations with any one any more.I know drugs and alcohol are not the answer. Isolation is a good escape but it does nothing to make us better it just keeps us safe temporally will we figure out what is next can I go out again.
Sorry this got so long. Again welcome. This is a good place to come and share with others who have been to where you have been and know what you are talking about. Nice to meet you. I hope we talk some more. Remember you are not alone in this anymore.

Peace be safe

 

[Tinyflame]

Hi Dexter, I hesitated to post but am going to anyway. Solely because it might have been something that would have helped me if I had learned it at your age as it is too late for me, which I presume is younger than me if you are in school.

You obviously have emotions if you need to drown them- and yes your sorrows will learn to swim. And it is very true that trauma strips us of much and creates challenges others may not face, things others take for granted. I'm also not sure if the lack of interest in 'banality' or low tolerance for un-truth will ever go away- juxtaposed to our lives experienced I really don't think so. And yes, we are all pretty aware of how scary many people can be, or not good for us or to be around, dangerous or uncaring.

But, you have a big advantage knowing it's ptsd and though you haven't found relief yet you will find some, much by your own efforts. There's certainly nothing wrong with being true to yourself, you should be. You will also find it a harder go as you age if alone- less resources, less man power, less inclusion. Your motives may be challenged, you may be told you are good for nothing (as much of anyone's worth is defined by their roles.) You won't be accepted or 'acceptable' in many environments, and you will likely be forgotten (which is preferable to some of the treatment. ) It isn't pretty to get to the end of your life having no one care about you, either, although that has less bearing than the care you may give. I just watched my neighbour go out by ambulance, not sure if he died. He too had no one to care for or about him. I know he was too traumatized. I think he may have died. I was just talking to him by chance a few days ago, he was going to buy an older rescue dog because 'he didn't know how much time he had left', I think he is about 50.

I would have less to regret now if someone had told me a sense of a fore-shortened future doesn't guarantee a fore-shortened future. And I would have maybe allowed those who at least thought they loved me (and were decent) do so, and built a life.

You have more options now than it feels like. Don't give them up. Because by the end, going back to abuse or being used can feel no worse than a life lost, sometimes. JMHO.

 

[Deleted member 41702]

Hi Dexter, I hesitated to post but am going to anyway. Solely because it might have been something that...

I don't see any liklehood of this ever getting any easier. I absolutely cannot stand people. I despise the human race. I never wish to have intimacy. All I want is to live the remaining 10 years of my life finding ways to suppress my emotions completely. I also refuse to die in Norway. I view people as weak, and partnerships as a aign of codependency and great weakness. I cannot help it. Life kill everyone in the end. Everything is pointless to me. I don't care if drug abuse and alcoholism will take a toll on my body or potentially kill me. We all are destined to die at some point. Also, there is no point what so ever for me to seek treatment again. It's a waste of time. This country and this area has very lousy mental healthcare. I have no faith in anything or anyone. I just want money until I grow sick of that too. Life has no meaning to me.

 

[Deleted member 41702]

Hi Dexter,

I share many thoughts with you!

I can't feel or show love or affection. Check
I don'...

It's impossible for me to connect with a therapist. Besides the mental healthcare available over here is terrible. I'm better off speaking to a wall or taking vitamin pills (most anti depressants are proven to be no more effective than placebo). We're all gonna die someday. All that's left to do is try a specific list of drugs before I go. I have given myself until October 30th 2026. Then I'll make the final decision of whether or not to live on. At least I won't be contributing to over-population.

 

[ladee]

Dexter, have you always felt this way, or is this an accumulated let down of the mental health system?
Finding good mental health care is getting harder and harder, tho the need is more than ever before.
I can feel your anger and hurt coming thru in your printed words. while you feel there is no purpose to all this thing called Life, I am still glad you came here and told us how you feel... it's a good reminder to always reach out to those that need a human contact just to say you matter.
I truly hope something changes for you in the next 10 years. You are always welcome to still come here regardless... you reached out for a reason...and I won't try and convince you it gets different if not always better. Your journey, your beliefs... I am glad you shared tho... we do need to be reminded that so many are in so much pain...

 

[Deleted member 41702]

Dexter, have you always felt this way, or is this an accumulated let down of the mental health system?
F...

It's an accumulated letdown I hav recieved from the Norwegian mental healthcare system. I don't want to get political on here, but this is what happens when everything is government funded and there's no competition. The quality suffer tremendously. I hav tried three or four therapists, as well as fluoxetine, remeron and zoloft. None of it had any effect. I did my best to cooperate and do as I was told, but nothing had any effect on me. I am going to give alcohol a shot, then, once I gain access to it I wish to try marijuana. If pot doesn't help I'll try cocaine. If that doesn't help, I give up.

 

[ladee]

Thanks for your reply... but we both know that chemicals are not going to help you in the long run...
I am sorry you do not have access to good care... and do not have a proper diagnosis to even know what meds to be on in the first place...
I will simply invite you to post here tho...We aren't therapists or Dr's, but we do understand how you feel whether you believe that or not....
I can say you will not be criticized or judged here... we do listen... and if you want suggestions we can offer that to you... many different things to try...

Have you read any books that help you to understand what your problems are? When I could not afford therapy, which was a lot of the time... I found reading books helped.... no magic bullets... but they did help me to understand... and even most of them had suggestions or had accompanying workbooks.

As I shared earlier, I won't try to convince you of anything... but am sharing my experience that Therapy is not the only way.. It s only as helpful as the T is qualified... you have had some crappy and probably dangerous experiences.... so I do understand not wanting anything to do with them..

But also suggesting they are not the only way to heal... come back and share if you want or need to... you really aren't alone.. many of us have had to resort to books for help... and this really is a good place to be accepted for exactly where you are in your life.

And I do appreciate your reply... helps me to understand where you are coming from.... hope things get better, or at least different... we are here for you tho... maybe you can give that some thought... at least you know we are available if you change your mind.... I do understand.

 

[Deleted member 41702]

Thanks for your reply... but we both know that chemicals are not going to help you in the long run...
I a...

I guess there's at least some comfort in knowing that 91/2 years from now, I won't have to suffer any longer.

 

[ladee]

I hope you know the invitation still stands, to come here and share... hope you check in once in awhile and let us know you are still around. Sorry it has come to this for you. I personally hope something happens to change your mind. Nothing wrong with me hoping.

 

[blackandwhite2017]

It's impossible for me to connect with a therapist.

Check
I also feel this way, it is impossible for me to trust my therapist emotionally. Thus I don't trust her emotionally. I simply determine that she is not gonna harm me because she is bound by her psychology practitioner's ethics. I trust that she is rational and won't risk losing her license and income just to harm me. Then after I establish this logical trust, I force myself to reveal my problems so that she can help me work on them. Therapist-client is a professional relationship after all, and I believe it can work even if there is no personal trust and connection.

Besides the mental healthcare available over here is terrible. I'm better off speaking to a wall or taking vitamin pills (most anti depressants are proven to be no more effective than Link Removed).

Well I am sorry that mental healthcare at your country is horrible. But sure there is someone who knows what they are doing? My psychologist works full time in a government funded hospital and working as a private clinician is only a part time thing, but she happens to be reasonable and knows what she is doing. My suggestion is to find someone with a PhD or PsyD, and test them gradually to see if they are professional enough to be trusted to behave professionally.

We're all gonna die someday.

Check

All that's left to do is try a specific list of drugs before I go.

Or try a specific list of psychologists with good qualifications before you go?

I have given myself until October 30th 2026. Then I'll make the final decision of whether or not to live on. At least I won't be contributing to over-population.

Check
lol I told myself that after my dog and two cats pass away + after I pay back my student loan + after I pay back whatever money my parents have used to raise me + after I earn an additional 100K to be donated away to various causes I care about, I would grant myself the option to end my life. I don't enjoy my life, but I don't want to die owing stuff to people and I do wish to make an impact on this world. I encourage you to find a similar death goal as a death goal that you can work towards can actually help you get better!

All the best!
HelloWorld314