On Being Fat

[Gamera3000]

I know you're trying to be healthy here, but it could be that you're already not doing too badly. My late brother was overweight and he felt just awful about it. He was also tall. People would call him "hoss" and make jokes about him being large. He hated it. It'd just make him eat more. My three year old is built just like my brother. He'll eat almost nothing for days and then eat adult-sized portions for a day or two and then grow. His chest is so broad I have to buy his clothes in a size 6. No one has ever called my son fat. They call him handsome. I wish I could go back in time and raise my brother the way I get to raise my son. It's wonderful to be a big healthy person.

Some people are bigger than others. And there's nothing wrong with liking to eat. I like to eat too. I just don't gain weight as easily as my siblings do. I also don't get dates as easy as my morbidly obese, very pretty sister. I mean, I'm married, but when I wasn't I sure didn't get as much attention as she always has. Being thin isn't everything.

I say, continue on your journey to be healthier, but for god's sake keep eating cake! Life is about enjoying yourself! Don't make eating into something super controlled that stresses you out.

 

[Deadman]

Why is so hard for my therapist to understand that it is a coping mechanism, and a way to be invisible in our society. I don't have to worry about being asked out, or sexually harassed, I feel protected.

I've been thinking about this issue for a while. I've started calling it 'body armour'. I've known men that work crazy hard at building massive amounts of muscle to protect the hurt inside. I've known both men and women who said exactly what you said. "I'll make myself so scary/ugly on the outside that no one will be able to get at the vulnerability inside".

 

[Deleted member 28942]

My therapist keeps trying to "help" me by showing me what a serving of protein is, and a serving of carbs etc. She keeps recommending diets and tries to convince me to take a class on nutrition. I told her I have been on many, many diets, and changing my eating habits, and whatever else you want to call it.

This is an issue with your therapist not respecting your boundaries. You will need to be very explicit about it. You can tell her that you do not want that issue to be discussed. Do you have goals for therapy?

 

[DharmaGirl]

I give all of you credit

It is especially hard when you are in pain all the time, as you are.

 

[DharmaGirl]

This is an issue with your therapist not respecting your boundaries.

No, this is an issue of her helping me lose the 25 lbs so I can have surgery. I bring it up, but she heads towards the physical. I do stop her, but she heads there every time. I guess I will just keep pushing her gently in the direction I want to go, and let her know I want to work on the issues with food, rather than the food. Maybe if I put it that I was just wondering if any other therapist "got" the idea that it is not only overeating that causes overweight. I don't think she is deliberately disrespecting my boundaries, I truly believe that she thinks this is the most helpful thing. I usually ask everyone who tells me things like that if they measure out their food that way, and they say no, because they don't need a diet.

Of course I have goals for therapy. That's the first thing you discuss in therapy, or should be. Being able to allow myself to lose weight is one of those goals. The rest have been discussed and are going to be handled in the order they come up.

Read this

I have read that and assumed my therapist did too. I had 8 ECEs. I think I am doing very well for someone who has that number. (Pats self and everyone else here on the back for trying to get better). I think everyone in the medical field should read that since it would help them help us.

 

[Deleted member 28942]

No, this is an issue of her helping me lose the 25 lbs so I can have surgery. I bring it up, but she heads towards the physical. I do stop her, but she heads there every time. I guess I will just keep pushing her gently in the direction I want to go, and let her know I want to work on the issues with food, rather than the food.

OK. I see thank you for clarifying this. You want to work on the emotional issues/wounds that are causing the weight problems.

Have you tried EMDR or Somatic Experiencing or any other form of body therapy?

I have read that and assumed my therapist did too. I had 8 ECEs. I think I am doing very well for someone who has that number. (Pats self and everyone else here on the back for trying to get better). I think everyone in the medical field should read that since it would help them help us.

For 8 ACEs you are doing awesome just being alive and going to therapy and working on your problems. I pat you on the back and give you a hug.

 

[Deleted member 40217]

I totally understand you. I have been yo yo ing all my life. Sadly it does come from abuse as our coping mechanism.
15 months ago I started something similar to the Atkins diet. I had to find something since not having a thyroid makes it twice as difficult to lose weight. I started with 150 -200 carbs a day for the first 2 weeks then down 75-100. You can eat all the meat,fish,eggs and salads you want I stay away from processed foods and any sweeteners or soda. I started with walking and then eventually moved to hiking(since im not a ppl person this is some good processing time ass well) I am down 70lbs Please dont give up! You have already lost and that is a huge deal. Dont beat yourself up, this too is what we do to ourselves too Trust me, if I can do this I know you can! Drink at least 2 cups of water before each meal, that helps as well. Good luck!

 

[Friday]

it's not about how to lose it, it's about how to feel safe to lose it. I have lost 57 lbs in the past two years by eating food, not chemicals, and I have reached a plateau.

This. Right here. Is me.

I have some complicated trauma bullshit tied into my weight and how fit I am.

The upside/downside is that it kicks in both when I'm fat & emaciated, as well as fit & unfit.

The hardest one for me is being fat & unfit... Which is also one of its benefits, when things are hard; it gives me something really solid to hate about myself that isn't what I really hate about myself (so it's more managable), that -in theory- I can do something about (unlike the other stuff), as well as an excuse (also a reason, but since I'm using it to avoid? at it's core, it's an excuse) to be avoiding the other side of my trauma issues (both past & present). So it comes from trauma, it has trauma tangled up in it, it distracts from trauma, & it helps me avoid trauma. Meaning even though it is hands down the hardest combo of my food/fitness/body-issues? It has faaaaar too many benefits to it, to be able to just set it down because I want to. No matter how much I do want to. It's a constant battle, on several fronts, and each of those fronts have to be dealt with individually & in conjunction. :wtf:

Along with the last piece; once I do start sliding down my spectrum? Less Fat More Fit? I'm leaving the fire, but if I'm not both lucky and good, just climbing into the frying pan. The fire may be the worse of 2 evils, but the other 1? Is still evil. Devil you know, and all that.

It's very much like setting a bone. I have to manage it just right or I end up just passing the snick, have just gone through a ton of pain, and it's still off-set. Just in the other direction. >.< Now with possibly more damage, or compounded. And I have to try and set it, again. But this time? I'm exhausted from the first attempt. Or the 47th attempt. And every failure? f*cks my self confidence over even more. And all of that is on top of complicated trauma bullshit.

So the whole thing is very, very hard.

 

[Deadman]

I like to keep the diet thing very simple. I try to eat whole, real food. No packages. No processing. No sugar. No ground, bleached and baked grass ovaries. Call it a paleo diet, call it a primal diet it doesn't really matter.

If you are a true believer you can call it God's diet. Eat the foods God made, not the ones man made.

Eat 8 cups of leafy green veggies a day, enough protein to meet your muscle mass requirements and top the remaining calories with quality fats.

 

[Fayne Jane]

I was very thin for most of my life and then started taking on weight as I got older. I went from a fairly healthy diet to vegetarian with lots of exercise. And as I lost wt I noticed that I started covering my stomach with my arms. People at work thought I was cold, which I never am where shorts 9 months out of the year. I finally realized with my weight loss I felt very vulnerable, that my fat had been a protective device and without it I needed to shield myself with my arms. I had childhood sexual assault and was beaten and raped 13 years ago. My wt went up a little but mostly I realize it is one of many ways I try to protect myslef. Your key word is you feel "protected" by your wt which I clearly understand. Take time, forget the diets and work on what you have been through, the need for protection.

 

[Deadman]

Take time, forget the diets and work on what you have been through, the need for protection.

Agreed except that I would say that your diet is what keeps you alive while you work on the other issues. Diet does not mean losing weight. It just means what you eat.

 

[DharmaGirl]

Have you tried EMDR

Thank you for understanding and a hug. Hugs are good! No, I haven't tried either because my first therapist said that I was too dissociative, and he didn't do EMDR on people who who had cPTSD as severely as I did.

it gives me something really solid to hate about myself that isn't what I really hate about myself

Wow, this really hits the nail on the head. Being fat serves me in the same way! Damn, you are so intuitive.

I like to keep the diet thing very simple.

Actually, we are talking about working on issues that keep us fat, not food consumption, but thank you for your input. I have tried, and researched many, many diets, I could teach a course on so many of them. I am eating whole, non processed, low carb foods and have lost 57 lbs, but as soon as someone put a consequence on it, I freaked out.