Who am i?

[Fayne Jane]

I have moved through a lot of my trauma by seeing a Trauma Specialist that has used EMDR. I have gone through being hit, raped and left for dead. I have more to do but the worst is over. the thing is I was in denial of my TBI and PTSD for 13 years. Kept all of it suppressed and now I am free from the chains that bound me for years. I moved in and out of angry outburst, paranoia, pain, intense anxiety, confusion. I pushed most of my friends away. Now I have come out or through the nightmare. I wonder who I am I now, now that so much of my armor has been stripped away and I feel freer, lighter, released but not sure who I am. Have others experienced this?

 

[WishfulThinking123]

I find your post rather encouraging, that you have moved past all of your trauma and nightmare- thank you for sharing. As to your question, I cant answer that as I am still working through my trauma. However, I often wonder who I really am as opposed to the persona I put on to appease whoever I am with at the time.

 

[Fayne Jane]

I understand when living with PTSD I was so out of control , not saying I am in total control yet. I do wonder why do you try to appease whoever you are with? Are you not ok with who you are?

 

[Muted]

I can somewhat identify with how you're feeling. I still have a lot of work left to do, but for whatever reason it feels like the hardest is behind me, I hope. It's so hard to be patient with ourselves throu this process, but I'm so grateful for my counselor who has been with me through thick and thin.

 

[WishfulThinking123]

It is very complicated... I have been in 2 abusive relationships and the first one kind of made me go deep inside of myself. It's hard to explain- I felt like I was chained inside and I couldn't truly trust anyone or be myself no matter how badly I wanted to- the second abusive relationship broke all of the chains and "released me" I guess as a sick joke just to completely break me down again and abuse me but, then I rebuilt myself back up and I was strong and confident but then I got into this third awful relationship more recently that severely triggered me into developing ptsd from the second relationship...see complicated? o0

 

[Deadman]

I wonder who I am I now,

Ummm. Yup. Same here.

 

[A little lost]

I wonder who I am

I'm still stuck at the point before the now. My diary entry today was about that. I hope one day I get to where you are and to the free place beyond. Well done for getting through to this point ,be proud of yourself.

 

[Fayne Jane]

It is hard, thank you, the thing is I think everyone with PTSD needs a really good therapist. I was lucky, the first one I went to had no clue, wanted to schedule me to EMDR 6 weeks apart when it needs to be done at least once a week.

 

[Fayne Jane]

The thing is I have come through the tunnel of my nightmares but still now wonder who am I know. I was such a bitch with my outbursts, pushed away so many that I have very few now. It feels like I have to rebuild a whole new life. But if I can do it so can any of you.

 

[Fayne Jane]

Thanks

 

[UnicornSightings]

I empathize with freaking out. I do. I'm so grateful I'm no longer there. I'll just speak for myself, ok?

I am everything that has ever happened to me and I am none of those things.

I am all of my flaws and doubts and I am all of my pride and healing and forgiveness.

I am all my hopes and dreams and goals and accomplishments as well as all of my failures and walking away.

I am what I choose to do, not what I think and not what I feel. I am my actions.

At the end of the damn day, I am the person who has done their best with their time on this earth. And each day I'm beyond blessed I get the chance to do it again.

The moment you define yourself by your past, by your stuckness, you chain yourself. You are only limited by your perceptions. We are constantly changing beings and we will never have us figured out. If you can make peace with that, like I have (mostly), then your life will get a LOT easier.

 

[Deleted member 41765]

I am at exactly this point: I wonder who I am now. There remains much work to be done, and although the Faulkner quote often rings in my ears: "The past is never dead. It's not even past." I know it is also true that an emergent aspect of myself, one with strength and heart, is glimmering somewhere near the surface. The question is, what now..?