Love And Emotional Availability

[highwaybeauty]

I've read that some sufferers aren't emotionally available and can't feel love. Can anyone relate to...

I definitely feel that this used to be my go to. I felt that because of the trauma I experienced I was "damaged" and somehow only part of a person that was not worthy of love. So I blocked that part of myself off. Because it was safer that way, I could ensure that I was never hurt again and didn't need to experience any more pain than I had already.

I must add though that this can change. After many years of therapy I begun to realize that it is possible to have the belief you are unlovable and are lovable at the same time. I am lucky enough to have a loving partner who is patient and reminds me that it is possible to be loved.

Just because this is how you feel at the moment, doesn't mean you always will. There is hope :)

HB x

 

[JustKeepSwimming]

'Its been two weeks I am in so much pain that I can't breathe really. I think I am going to start...

I can totally relate to the feeling of so much pain you can't breath at times. I am not always on here but I will always look out for your posts when I am to offer support. You are so brave. The journel sounds like a great idea.

 

[katz]

There are times when I come across people that I are really special and I feel like I would prefer...

I can certainly understand wanting to be alone. I've gotten tired of looking for what I so desperately need - and want. To me, it's like just giving up and accepting what life has given you. If I'm alone, at least I won't worry about trying to "be what others want me to be", or trying to fulfill someone else needs.

 

[striving4joy]

I relate to most of what has been said here. I am just starting to deal with CPTSD (layers up in layers of trauma childhood psychological abuse, militay war, discrimination).

Despite it all I have survived and thrived making it to the top on the corporate ladder, plenty of money, toys, private schools, multiple houses.

I am on year 2 of reconstructing myself after multiple traumas. The catalyst to start this work was a devasting auto immune disease and being caught cheating.

So far I have spent 1.5 years on CBT to figure out whether I could have my cake and eat it too. Have a lover and a family. My lover just left.me after 28 years of on again off again. intimate support. I just could not leave my family. My son is doing well and spouse has stuck it out and contnous to grow and support. Through mindfulness, honest sharing, and now starting to work with a trauma specialist.

Luckily I have the strength to be vulnerable and honest and share my struggles my spouse and kid.

I really, really miss my lover. We had a shared trauma in the military and were each others first loves.

She just got too lonely and I don't blame her. I couldn't move to be closer to her and disrupt my son's school and connection with me. I feel lost and am numb.

I am also grateful to have a stable family who pushes me to hug longer and they tell me how lovable and valuable I am. I am optimistic that I can feel valuable inside, feel joy, laugh and truly see and love and trust others again someday.

Right now there is no safe place for me though so I bury myself in work and were myself out. Loving hugs feel like nails on a chalk board most of the time. I really have to work hard to engage in hugs and affection. I pat myself on the back when I can go through the motions and not isolate.

This is hard, hard work but only the finest steel makes it through the fire. Thank you for letting me share. I will help as.much as I can foe others.

 

[EveHarrington]

I am unable to feel love. Life is pretty hollow. You know something is missing but you can never have it.

 

[henamedmeowl]

I take so long to reply, I apologize for that.

I can totally relate to the feeling of so much pain you can't breath at times. I am not always on here but I will always look out for your posts when I am to offer support. You are so brave. The journel sounds like a great idea.

Thanks..i think everyone is brave here...i remember when I first came to this site and the contact with other people was so uncomfortable and painful I almost ran away I think in some ways I probably did but all the sharing that goes on here from person to person is just so brave..thanks to much for supporting me I will try my best to do the same.

I can certainly understand wanting to be alone. I've gotten tired of looking for what I so desperately need - and want. To me, it's like just giving up and accepting what life has given you. If I'm alone, at least I won't worry about trying to "be what others want me to be", or trying to fulfill someone else needs.

I never really looked for what I wanted before I have begged for it though from my partner. Recently though I realized I am asking for is a healthy loving relationship. I think we all are? I don't know but people tend to think of people with ptsd as strong because we "survived" which i find unfair...just because I am still alive doesn't mean that I am superman. ...I am hurt wounded and i need to be cared for still...instead they tend to burden us with there crap and problems like we are pillars of strengths .its painful..and unfair..and I don't like being expected to be strong and unfeeling..so I too..just want to be alone..unless someone comes along that accepts me for me.

hugs to you both...i am on the road so I am half asleep and sick..and not sure if this makes any sense at all..

 

[katz]

I take so long to reply, I apologize for that.



Thanks..i think everyone is brave here...i reme...

I had never noticed that till you pointed it out. Hmmm. I never thought of it as "people expecting us to be strong." I was doing some reading recently that you might find interesting. I was reading about the term "scapegoat".

I learned that it actually comes from the bible. Wow! I was surprised too. It explains how a village would take a strong goat and "give" it all the fault and blame from the entire village. Then just send it out into the woods to fend for itself. Therefore, they no longer had to deal with these "problems or feelings".

I read this and was amazed how it moved me. It made me take a new look at my own family and my place in it.

 

[katz]

'Its been two weeks I am in so much pain that I can't breathe really. I think I am going to start...

Please start a journal. Mine helped(s) me so much. It gives me a place to "open up" and say what I feel and need to say. I know that sometimes you won't feel like writing, but, sometimes it helps just knowing that it is there if you need it. -- and it won't judge you - just "listen".

 

[henamedmeowl]

Please start a journal. Mine helped(s) me so much. It gives me a place to "open up" and say what I feel an...

I know I should write. Most times though I don't want to open up ...it requires vulnerability..and a wall coming down...with a flood or more like tsunami of feeling falling over...it scares me because I can't easily close it up...so i let it all sort of pool inside of me and then can let it drip out like in a journal entry or something.

 

[henamedmeowl]

I had never noticed that till you pointed it out. Hmmm. I never thought of it as "people expecting us to b...

omfg. that is so horrible...but wow..there is so much truth in that ...I am actually crying right now...like I can't even deal with it. Thank you so much for sharing that. Today I am feeling really angry but that just ate up my anger and the real sadness and lack of control i feel came out...hugs so many...

 

[Emily L]

@StormySea I 100% relate!!!

That part of my body/spirit that experiences love, romance, happiness, etc, has a on/off switch apparently, and mine is set to "off". I can not fall in love. I can't even experience a simple crush on a guy. I'm 21 years old.. EVERYONE tells me "You've got your whole life to figure it out" or "You just haven't met the right guy yet"..... I fall for these statements a lot. But sometimes I have to tell myself, These people don't have PTSD, they don't know what it is like to be unable to love because of trauma.. I am so lonely. I day dream of the day I meet a guy who can break past the boundaries and walls, and flip that switch on. I don't know if it will ever happen. I also don't want to settle for some great guy who i dont truly love because I feel like that's the best that I can do.

I kid you not. Talking with a former LEO about PTSD and realizing that we both had PTSD and had trouble experiencing love, and the inability for me to simply fall in love, has been the driving force to get me to seek help. I want to be able to love again. I want to be able to feel that first kiss and feel on top of the world. I want the butterflies. I want the magic. Surely i DO know that doesn't last forever. That will fade away. But then you decide to truly love them and stay with them. And it turns in to this deep, passionate, caring love that is to die for. I can't WAIT for that love. Maybe one day....

 

[katz]

I relate to most of what has been said here. I am just starting to deal with CPTSD (layers up in layers of traum...

Welcome to the forum, and thank you for sharing this with us.