New To Here

[Vic0713]

So I am new to this PTSD Forum for the longest time I have suffered from some form of PTSD and some serious Major Depression which went for years undiagnosed. Recently I finally received diagnosis from behavioral health in the Army. Well honestly it came after I lost my shit with my wife and I found myself staring at the police with weapons in hand ready to give up on life I knew if I moved forward towards the police with a tomahawk and machete they were going to shoot I mean who would not. I was ready, I had put my family to through much shit and not understanding why was the biggest factor I could not connect I still have problems with connections with people. I sometimes feel completely alone and wonder what the f*ck is the purpose of living anyway. I mean because of my actions I did not want to harm my wife or my kids the night that happen but these can be interpreted in many ways. The thing it took this action to get help but in the process I lost my family and possibly my freedom. The state charged me with unlawful restraint. They don't care about what was going through my mind other than I was threat to my family. So I do question. I have never been the same since my first deployment to Iraq. I spent a combined 38 months overseas one in Iraq and two in Afghanistan. They were back to back with a year or less of dwell time. I got stuck in that mind frame and coming back into society all I think about is being in a place where I feel like im doing something. I don't have to worry about anyone else except those assigned to me. I have been back for years now and I have made a huge mess of my life I am lucky I have not killed myself yet I will say I f*cked up my wife and kids though. I joined this forum because lately I don't have any answers I get easily irritated and I don't have answers. Most of the time I find myself wondering the only fix is if I am fighting again.

 

[Warrior Chicken]

You're in the right place, there's a load of experience held on this forum by so many who are walking this dark road, we are here with you and understand in so many more ways that you never get from others who haven't traveled this road. Take a look around, read, ask questions. I for one would be lost without this place.

 

[Sleeping Dragon]

OK my Brother, a few things to start with. You've taken a big first step by coming here, and understanding you have serious problems facing you. Combat changed you in many ways. And, you can't go back to who you were before the killing fields made you change.

The good news is there are ways to deal with what you now feel and how you now react to a world where you don't really fit anymore. That said, understand that the road back to a worth while life is going to be long, frustrating and difficult. BUT, NEVER FORGET THAT YOU CAN MAKE IT.

Many of us have been dealing with this shit for nearly fifty years. During that time we've made huge mistakes and at the same time made huge progress. Improvement will come a little bit at a time. We call those improvements baby steps. And, you have to take them every day. This has to be your number one priority.

Like Warrior Chicken said. "Read, ask questions", and post often.

Stay with us my Brother. There's still a worth while life out there for you.

SD

 

[nomedic1]

Welcome there are great people here that can help

 

[dutchiedelta]

Welcome

 

[Deleted member 43454]

Welcome Vic.
Everyday's a battle internally.
It's a tough road. Most of it's spent alone for us.
With the companionship of pet's it' can ease up a bit.
I've finally got a handle on my rage outbursts and one of my major triggers was any time something ran away from me I'd snap into attack like a dog.
That's just one trigger though. It' takes time as the other's have stated who've way more experience dealing with this shit.
They helped me when I came here 3 years ago and their knowledge is priceless. Looking back thanks to the advice I've listened to
I've made a lot of progress. But there is no cure all.

People don't make it any easier with their looks as though I'm a monster. Or an weirdo cus I'm not with the latest bullshit.
Some are supportive. Those are the ones that count. I still feel like flying over to fight ISIS till death when I'm not using
Cannabis.

 

[Plat-Daddy]

So I am new to this PTSD Forum for the longest time I have suffered from some form of PTSD and some serious Major Depression which went for years undiagnosed. Recently I finally received diagnosis from behavioral health in the Army. Well honestly it came after I lost my shit with my wife and I found myself staring at the police with weapons in hand ready to give up on life I knew if I moved forward towards the police with a tomahawk and machete they were going to shoot I mean who would not. I was ready, I had put my family to through much shit and not understanding why was the biggest factor I could not connect I still have problems with connections with people. I sometimes feel completely alone and wonder what the f*ck is the purpose of living anyway. I mean because of my actions I did not want to harm my wife or my kids the night that happen but these can be interpreted in many ways. The thing it took this action to get help but in the process I lost my family and possibly my freedom. The state charged me with unlawful restraint. They don't care about what was going through my mind other than I was threat to my family. So I do question. I have never been the same since my first deployment to Iraq. I spent a combined 38 months overseas one in Iraq and two in Afghanistan. They were back to back with a year or less of dwell time. I got stuck in that mind frame and coming back into society all I think about is being in a place where I feel like im doing something. I don't have to worry about anyone else except those assigned to me. I have been back for years now and I have made a huge mess of my life I am lucky I have not killed myself yet I will say I f*cked up my wife and kids though. I joined this forum because lately I don't have any answers I get easily irritated and I don't have answers. Most of the time I find myself wondering the only fix is if I am fighting again.

hey Vic. I lost so much by being scared of my own thoughts. I lost my first family yet have been there for them when needed always. I scared them with my temper. It took time. My brothers here adorn full pads and we beat the shit out of each other to lose the internal stress. bruises here and there. But being able to release this pressure helped us allot with others. To safe the rest of my family I told them I was going to leave for a while. I loved them but needed to be away so not to scare them while I am going through this. I got a place cross town so if the kids needed me I could be there for sure. It seems like going from turned on for so long to more than a visit home is rough. many get rvs and stay in them in there own yards brother to have a place to vent and not scare others. 80% of cops are civilians with a badge. Some might have a clue most do not. They just do not get it. I hated therapy yet once I got away from the VA and I got a good one. I wrote the local congressman and fussed like hell on email needing help. They got me good people who are not desensitized to our needs like the VA is. Even had to be tested for meds or locked up for exploding on people in public. never started shit but way over reacted to ass holes. Below is a post I did a few mics ago for another. maybe will help. man never quit for in time you will 3 times the asset to people here then before you left.

I feel ya younger brother I do. My only advice is to become as polite as you can even when you do not mean it. Find ways to educate everyone who may rub you even if they do not know they are. I find ways to be polite but firm on what I will allow in my life and what I will not. Most will understand. I have told many I have many issues I am in the middle of processing in my head. I need not to think about your issues right now for I do not want to drop the ball. Later I will be more focused and able to relate to others. It takes time to built your inner strength to where you can displace allot of this shit when needed to protect others and their feelings. I am a angry SOB but I do internalize allot of it until home and then I beat the shit out of a body bag or pillow or go out back and shoot shit. Riding my scoot relaxes me. I am one who has seen a dozen therapists to find one who is not scared of me. Took a while. The listeners are the best. many just try to categorize you under a file they read. Neah. But just have to move through it. I also now like the meds for just right. I sleep. Dreams are not so bad now most of the time. I do not slap the shit out of people in public for no manors. The learning things helps. keeping the mind busy helps. Hobbies. I fabricate shit like rods and custom bikes. many brother really get in to akido or other arts to focus more on not the past. Man you were on the job, Doing the job, Living through the job, and now is hard to forget the stress but not the brothers. Everywhere you go look around even at dumb-asses and think your free because of me. be proud. I find peace in helping others as long as I can afford to. I have to avoid public allot for if a man is cruel to a kid or female I will get locked up again for the stomping that is he is about to behold. The biker in me I guess. Everything you feel, think or dream has a reason just always be honest with your self and polite as hell to others in everything you need to say. Plat-Daddy 18E

 

[vikingr24]

Vic,

You are going to have to drop a knee and think of spending some time. First, there are some great articles in the Featured Threads forum. Some films and lectures there are eye popping and really helpful. We can provide insight to some of the things that may confuse you or we can guide you when things are in that circular tunnel we all want to avoid, but somehow happen. And some of us know the drugs too, maybe all too well.

We take thoughts of suicide seriously. Keep the VA Hotline number handy. (Looking it up yourself is good practice.) I have called them in good and bad times for the VA (and me) and they have gotten better. I have called for other guys too. You have to be proactive with them. The guys that answer the phone are vets themselves. But don't expect much other than an encouraging voice, which at times is really important.

Most important, stay close to your wife, mother, father, kids, relatives, friends. They are your support system. Don't let your anger get so high that you hurt or alienate them. If you do, learn to apologize. Buy them a cup of coffee or a Coke. Ask what you can do to make it better. You need them. Taking the family or GF out often, even if it is Mickey D. Walk together.

If you have no family, then get one by making new friends. Be emotionally available to people you meet. Your instinct will tell you who the rights ones are.

Accept that things are not perfect, including you. The military taught you that you are perfect but they needed you to be perfect to keep you alive. Now staying alive is a different way of looking at the world.

We're here for you. We can still do the fireman's carry.

You can too.