Psychological Abuse - Confused

[PerfectEmpire]

For 18 years and 1 month I lived with both of my parents. My father was quite a character. He was funny, highly intelligent, and a fast thinker. But he played games with my head and now I am screwed up. He always said that I was the manipulative one, that I made him yell, and that I made things up. He even convinced me for a few days that he was watching me via hidden surveillance (which I later found out was complete nonsense).

He claimed that I was "out of control" and said that if I would just be obedient we wouldn't have to fight. But if I was obedient he would yell at me for being mindlessly obedient, weak, not thinking for myself, or being manipulative. I couldn't win no matter what I did. He yelled at me for not cleaning up after myself and when I did clean up after myself he would stop me or re-do it because my cleaning was not good enough. I had no control.

Sometimes I couldn't even bathe, sleep, or eat because he was following me around and screaming at me or following me around and saying disturbing things to me to make me doubt my own sanity.

Sometimes he would throw my possessions in a fit of rage and then make me clean up in front of him while he stood over me apologizing.

I love you, I hate you, I'm sorry, I love you, I hate you...

He never once beat me or threatened to. But I was nevertheless terrified. I would call the police because he was so enraged that I was afraid for my life. And when the police got there he would be all smiles and calm and claim that I was a troubled teen or spoiled kid. The police always believed him and would lecture me and tell me to behave. It hurt so much.

When I called the abuse hotlines he would magically appear on the other line and tell the counselor that I was "very unwell" and apologized for me by saying "I'm so sorry for wasting your time...sweetie, it's okay, you can put the phone down now."

But he would also consistently tell me how much he loved me, how proud of me he was, and we would sit and laugh and joke together for hours at a time on occasion. But even during those times I was deathly afraid. I had no way to tell when he was going to punish me again. Worse, I had no way to tell what deeds would provoke punishment. One minute he was loving me, the next he was hating me. I feel like he dangled me from a string emotionally.

It might sound like I am talking about an abusive lover. But I am talking about my father! I am his only child, his little girl. It's no wonder I was suicidal by age 6. There was no way out of this. And my earliest memories of being treated like this are when I was too little to even talk. I am confused. I don't know anything else.

My father said that verbal abuse is not abuse. He also said that self-esteem was a bunch of BS and that parents can raise their children however they want as long as they're not cruel/abusive/neglectful. So I am really confused. Was I abused? Or was that okay? Should a father be allowed to treat his daughter that way??? Is that his right, so long as he does not lay a hand on her? Is it right, is it wrong? :dontknow: After all, he never beat me...and we all know that beating is wrong! At this point, I'm apt to believe that it's my own fault that I did not cope well and that I'm disturbed.

I want to hear other people's thoughts. Is it okay to play mind games with and mentally warp your child as long as you do no physical harm? Should the child just toughen up? If it is NOT okay then how should society handle parents like this?

Thank you for your time!

 

[Healing Survivor]

There are legal definitions of verbal abuse AND emotional abuse. I'm not specifically sure what those are, I'm sure they can be found on the internet. But from what you've described, it sounds like he was emotionally abusing you. It sounds like he purposefully kept you confused and somewhat dependent so that he could have more control over you. It's probably not something that child services would have put you in foster care for, but they would have for sure recommended family therapy. Your dad probably has his own issues that needed to be worked out but unfortunately weren't. So, hopefully now as an adult, you can learn to separate your dad's issues from you as a person. It's really sad how he treated you and NO it wasn't your fault!! Anyway, I'm not sure how helpful this is, but I did want to give some input. Thanks and hang in there!

 

[midi]

Your father was terrorizing you through extreme micro-managing and refusing to give you any of your own space. Mental torture is abuse.

 

[BrownEyes]

PerfectEmpire,

In my opinion you were definitely emotionally abused.

The fact that you were scared of him shows that he was a threat to you. Children aren't afraid of their parents for no reason.

I was emotionally abused by both my parents and it's a terrible situation to be in. It's so easy to hide from the rest of the world because the hurt and the scars are on the inside.

People don't want to believe that others are capable of such terrible things so they find it easy to believe that you were a "troubled child", rather than believe you. They couldn't see your inner pain, so they chose not to believe it was really there.

My heart goes out to you and I encourage you to keep travelling on the road of healing. You can learn to seperate yourself from those abusive words. Take care.

 

[Deleted member 541]

I am sure that you have issues, very deep and confusing issues from the abuse that your father laid upon you. You probably feel very much like he did towards you. I love you/I hate you, for the things that he put you through, and rightly so.....

Yes, I strongly agree that this was abuse.....Emotional/mental/physiological call it whatever, but abuse none the less......What your dad did was wrong, and he was the master manipulator.....But, a very sick one also. It sounds to me like your father had huge issues also......The actions that he had, was not that of a well person.....

 

[Lisa]

Yes it was psychological abuse and verbal abuse. I relate... especially to doubting your own sanity and being told you were lying, making it up, and the 'smiles and calm' when the police turned up, and the 'you're making me x,x and x' etc. And it was my father too, so I relate to your confused feelings.

 

[Tinyflame]

I live with a person who does much of that, plus other things.

I don't know if it's 'technically' abuse- going by how it makes me feel and restricts my choices, I think so, it's definitely about control, and it is unhealthy, I think.

I speak from my own experiences -I am so sorry how it makes you feel.
:Hug_emoticon:

 

[SunnyBrookFarm]

PerfectEmpire -

This was abuse - absolutely no question in my mind. Children should not be afraid of their parents, parents do not have the right to torment their children. Their are a lot of articles on the internet regarding emotional abuse - I suggest you look at some of them. I'm so sorry that you were treated this way and that your father will not ever see the damage he did.

Junebug - If you are in a situation like this - it's abuse also - I know because I've been there. I would encourage you to read some articles as well, this is how I confirmed that my husband was emotionally abusive. We are working on turning it around so it's not and end all - IF the person you are with is willing to work on it. My husband was severely emotionally abused and neglected as a child and he was repeating those behaviors in our marriage.

 

[a3a2]

You were abused. I hope my answer, and the answers from others allow you to put the blame where it should be...on the shoulders of your father, and yes, your mother. You were a child. You did childish things. Childish behavior from a child does not justify the manipulation and verbal abuse that you endured.

My father did the same kind of thing, with physical abuse thrown in for good measure. In some ways, the physical abuse made it easier because it clearly defined me as abused. In many ways, though the verbal and manipulation is more difficult to heal from, because it is more difficult to recognize as abuse. And, it can continue more easily.

 

[Mina]

Your father is absof***inglutely wrong. Not all abuse is physical. Verbal abuse is also abuse. He abused you, psychologically/emotionally/verbally. A father should NOT be allowed to treat his daughter that way. It is NOT okay to play mind games or warp a child.

I'm so sorry you went through this, PerfectEmpire, and I feel your pain. My sister and I have had discussions about the questions you posed because we weren't hit, although we always felt physically threatened. As kids, we used to wish we were physically abused instead of psychologically/emotionally because then maybe somebody would see the marks and step in and stop it, and believe us when we told them. But there were no outward marks, and if we told someone, our father was great at covering it up just like yours was...one more sign of an abuser.

 

[PerfectEmpire]

Wow. I didn't expect so many replies! Thanks! I just realized today that the fact that he didn't physically/sexually abuse me was something he used against me quite often. He constantly reminded me of how "good" I had it because I wasn't being physically or sexually abused.

To this day I strive to express my hurt and shame. But there is no way to photograph or materialize my pain. He left me with nothing to show for it all, not a single physical scratch ("See how well kept my daughter is?"). So that I could be the only one who really knows what happened. So that nobody could tell him he was wrong.

 

[dust]

Hi,

I think that psychological/emotional abuse is one of the most mind bending kinds of abuse... the other forms have their devastating effects too, but there is a kind of madness attached to the psychological type which is like vertigo - disorientating and unstable.

I wish you all the best,

dust