Am i alone in this?

[shatter eyes]

Here is my journal entry:

"I fear everything around me will die so either i should die first.... or i should kill them myself."

Does anyone else feel like this?
I keep losing people that give meaning to life.

 

[The Albatross]

There could be several cognitive distortions in play about your entry, "I fear everything around me will die so either i should die first.... or i should kill them myself."

Here's a list: 20 Cognitive Distortions and How They Affect Your Life
Which ones do you think apply to that statement?

Care to explain more about the "... or I should kill them myself"? Though both are problematic... that is quite an unusual statement to make.

 

[shatter eyes]

It is none of the 20 distortions.

I feel i dont want to see them my dependants feel that i dont care and put up with the rollercoasters of jerkyl hyde (i love you....shut up get a way fk off or my disability of not providing the level of care i once did. I do care and i really cannot do what i used to do.

Therefore instead of letting feel that i abandoned them or mistreat them... it is more secure to die so they can live on without me.

Or i would just do it myself so i can live and make peace with the monster inside. Give up you win. Let me rest. Cuff me away.

Its just how i feel.
Dont worry i wont do it.

 

[shimmerz]

so either i should die first

I think a ton of us have this 'I am alive but deserve to die' duality going on. I mean, fill in the blanks for the reasons as to how each of us go through our re-enactment of that core belief. I run out of houses and when I feel threatened I run outside to die in ditches or whatever.

The thing is, I seemed to have this meaningful (in my head) relationship with the idea that I needed to die. I still struggle with it, although not so dramatically. I then started paying attention to how I was using the word 'die' or any variances of it. It was a clue. It was a clue that underlying that word was something that was going on that was overwhelming huge that I felt unqualified to deal with.

So the obvious option to that was I (in my case) or others (in your case) needed to die. A good therapist knows that there are lots and lots of places to land before die needs to happen. So opening up possibilities that fit in between the black white of live or die may be something that you want to explore.

 

[shatter eyes]

How to open up?
I registered as organ donor so i know leaving is not the end. It becomes new life for others. Each day i live i question myself of why why why. The people around me try help and i get mad. The guilt consumes me and no doctors see it. Everyday i coax myself to pull thru. This forum is helpful and i like reading topics as i feel a part of me is in each one. This is a task because my headaches increase from reading while my heartache decreases. My own family cannot see how tiring it is to wobble putting socks on. Earplugs and shades when leaving my space.

Thanks. Long road. Little fuel left...

 

[The Albatross]

I'm trying to figure out why this is in the cognitive distortion/core belief section because it reads more like depression.

Why, why, why - wearing out supporters, anger, guilt, the effort necessary to do tasks... there's a lot going on clearly but unless you can arrest the cycle there's not very much available to learn or to try newer more beneficial things.

 

[shimmerz]

I registered as organ donor so i know leaving is not the end.

Is it fair to say that this is you searching for meaning? It sounds like it is grounding to you. And if that be the case, can you search out other things that will help you to see your days as meaningful?