Is this ptsd related?

[Wifi]

it never occurs to me that the other person would want me around, under the circumstances, must less that they'd feel hurt by my absense.

Even when they tell you how much they love you and want to support you? And express that your absence is clearly hurting them?

 

[Hiviz]

When you shut people out because you're under too much stress and pain to deal with, I'm sure you are aware even as you're doing it how selfish that is (I don't mean selfish in a negative way, I mean just in the textbook definition of self-interest)... so why don't you try to sit through the stress and pain for the sake of your loved ones feelings? The pain must be unimaginable, it must feel like life or death. But I'm also sure you're a very kind, sensitive person who would normally put others before yourself. I'm wondering what happens when your stress cup overflows that removes other people's feelings from the equation.

Why not sit with it?

You want to get away from those bad feelings ASAP.

You fly into DGAF mode and of course you don't give a flying f*ck about your partners feelings because your walls are 5 miles high and your feelings are completely numb.

When in isolation mode I don't have ANY resources for giving a damn about anyone else. None whatsoever.

 

[Hule]

Even when they tell you how much they love you and want to support you?

Well....yes?
First, personally, I kind of have a thing about the word "love". The word tends to make me want to run, because it feels dangerous. (Most likely that's just me.)

Wanting to support me? Honestly, that feels like an overwhelming responsibility that I'm probably going to fail to live up to. Maybe that doesn't make sense? The thing is, if someone wants to "help" you, you have an obligation to be "helped". You have to, somehow, let them succeed or they'll feel bad and it will be all your fault and everything will just blow up.... (I'm not claiming this is rational. We're way out in an area where I have no idea what "rational" actually IS.) But, what this seems like is that I'm responsible for "feelings" beyond my own (which is complicated enough) and I'm probably going to disappoint them.

So, after all that, if someone says it hurts them if I leave....... I don't know. In all seriousness, maybe I'd be better off if I just died and got it over with. I know that probably sounds awful. The thing is, these kinds of situations can potentially feel like exactly that much of a trap.

Personally, what I find helpful is someone who doesn't want to help me, or fix me, or anything of the sort. It's someone who is just willing to let me be who I am, in that moment, and be ok with it, because I kind of have to be.

Again, different people experience this stuff differently. This is just me. It truly would not occur to me that anyone would be hurt by me, disappearing. (It always surprises me to learn anyone wants me around at all!) But, sometimes having to be what someone wants you to be is just too much. :(

 

[Elul]

@wulepa hit it dead on. If I don't want to be around me why would you??

I'm sure you are aware even as you're doing it how selfish that is (I don't mean selfish in a negative way, I mean just in the textbook definition of self-interest)[/QUOTE

Nope. Not even a little bit. I understand your question but the answer doesn't match when you are dealing with ptsd. I think you are looking at this as someone needing to cool off or being stubborn about sharing their feelings or not wanting to talk about a relationship.

the reality is that I am totally unaware of what I'm doing or who I'm hurting when I'm in that place. I'm too busy trying to survive. My brain is on overdrive and alot of times i dont even realize anyone else is in the room. And if someone is there chances are they represent a threat and I may need to fight to get away from them to save my life!. I'm trapped and terrified and the best I can do is try to hide it while I try figure out what to do next. It's not selfishness. It's survival. I know if i can get somewhere quiet and be alone I can regroup and come back. Hopefully the person I took off on will still be around but honestly there is a part of me that doesn't care. Relationships are hard at the best of times. Trying to have one while battling demons? Yea Thats a challenge

 

[Ohozi]

Sorry. Not sure how my response got tangled up in the quote!

 

[Cedun]

Wow! I replied once to the original poster and I have been blown away by how true, deep, wise and insightful the other replies have been. I've agreed with them all as a sufferer... very accurate.

so why don't you try to sit through the stress and pain for the sake of your loved ones feelings?

I wrote the post you replied to, so I will answer for myself. I can't speak for your partner, but some of this may be true for them also:

If I am around my partner and I feel myself spinning into the 'darkness' (lack of a better word), I know it makes me very ugly and very defensive and very hurtful... once I go there I'm not in a place to overcome it for some reason. I know in the deepest place of self knowledge that if I don't pull away (isolate, block out, etc), I am capable of some horrible damage to him and to our relationship. Even more damage than usual. When I feel the urge to isolate, I'm completely raw... in a very confused and despairing way. I can't talk through any thing while in this state; it doesnt have to do with how much i love my partner or if someone considers my behavior 'selfish'/self-serving. Self preservation.

I don't even really know what's happening to me when it happens except that I'm feeling like it's taken over my mind and my emotions and I'm too sensitive and exhausted to deal with attention drawn to this state I fall into. I feel intense shame, loneliness, despair.

I usually get over it in a few days to weeks. Ive heard of some people isolating/blocking out for months. But it's like a cycle that we fall into. Luckily meds, therapy and life changes have drastically reduced the isolation issues for me personally. They always come back though.

 

[Gobozu]

Another sufferer :

...so why don't you try to sit through the stress and pain for the sake of your loved ones feelings?

Because I'm strongly opposed to domestic violence & suicide.

 

[Icunel]

Or.....

Why should we be expected to take on more STRESS when our stress cups are exploding.....just to make someone else feel ok?

That's kind of like asking us to hold our breath just a little bit longer even though we're oxygen deprived and on the verge of passing out.

I'm not excusing this behavior in the least. I'm not saying it's perfectly ok. It breaks my f*cking heart to know the shit I put my guy through. But, at the same time, please don't ask me to save you when I'm drowning myself. I just can't do it.

 

[Ijot]

I love all the replies they are so insightful and helpful
OP here. Ok so you go into isolation from a partner and family say, what about your other responsibilities if you have them? Work and the like?

I just struggle in my situation because he is carrying on in the rest of his life and Obama the one shut out. That's why it feels like it is me. Or he is angry and is ignoring me rather than isolating due to going into a "darkness."

I want to be sensitive and patient but itnis really hard trying to figure out what is going on.

 

[Ijot]

Not Obama, i am the one* :rolleyes:

 

[Ohozi]

what about your other responsibilities if you have them? Work and the like?

It depends on how deep the isolation needs to be. I am the queen of putting on a happy face at work because I refuse to let them are how broken I am. The threat level is to high. But after 10 hours of that I have nothing left to give to anyone.

And yes. That does mean I choose work over relationships. Work keeps my bills paid and a roof over my head. Relationships are being like pecked to death by chickens....there is always more..more..more required out of me why are r u acting like that...why won't you pay attention to me...why are you ignoring me...blah blah

If I can get away and rest my brain I can come back and pick up where we left off. If my partner can't give me that time without making it about him..... Then the relationship is doomed. I know that sounds harsh but it's the reality of ptsd...at least for me

 

[Ijot]

Wow, being pecked to death by chickens. That is awful! I don't want to make anyone feel like that and also your explanation about work and having nothing left to give makes total sense. I get it.

Do you tell your partner you need to reboot whatever and to give you some space or time? I have tried to offer these suggestions but they fall in deaf ears.

The thing is, in "normal" or "healthy" relationships all the experts say communication is key and vital and of course it is. So when you're in the middle of an emotional discussion and your partner shuts down and shuts you out it feels hopeless and like nothing will ever get resolved.

And i know he doesn't like it either. I have told him that until he can compromise with me in some way, please don't contact me. Is that too harsh? I feel like I am trying to work out something both of us can live with.

Again, thanks for the great insight. So helpful!