Is this ptsd related?

[Ijot]

I have read and know about and have experienced first hand shut outs and isolation (from me), but is it always PTSD related or a symptom.

I know he has shut me out (blocking and not responding to calls and texts) when he was going through stressful periods. But sometimes he does this (Usually not responding or wanting to see me) after an argument or disagreement. So it's more like he's angry with me or hurt. These are the times I refer to with my question.

Any insights for me?

One of my thoughts or theories is that maybe the idea of dealing with this stuff in a relationship just seems not worth it to him. When there is no conflict at all he is fine. Well fine as in he speaks to me but he usually stressed out pretty much all the time.

 

[Vamub]

Well if your guy isolates in response to stress, it makes sense he isolates in response to stress (aka fighting, arguments, disagreements).

Does it matter if it's PTSD or not, though? If it's not how you want your relationship to work, sounds like this isn't the guy for you.

 

[Ijot]

Yes it does matter. It matters because it helps me understand better. It matters to me.

But of course I don't want this to happen. I am trying to work this out with him and trying to make things better. He is as well, although it is apparently very hard for him. But he is aware and aware it's not the best way to be and then he tries. So I see hope in the future.

We all have crap that other people have to either work with, ignore or leave. This is one of his. So it does help me to know.

Thanks for your insight.

 

[Arozo]

He is lucky for your kindness, understanding, and compassion toward an illness that is incredibly confusing and painful at times.

Yes, isolation and block outs are normal after stress of any kind. Even "positive" stress can require a good chunk of alone time to process everything.

I can tell you a million times to not take it personally, but of course thats much easier said then done. It feels very personal sometimes and very hurtful. We aren't always trying to be.

When I shut out people its because its causing too much stress and pain for me to deal with. Positive or negative. So much energy is drained from us with PTSD...

Open direct honest communication about needs and wants may help. Or some kind of system where he can let you know its not about you and he just needs time.

 

[Ijot]

Arozo thank you. It is very confusing! And I know it's confusing to you survivers.

Can you tell me what you mean by "process?" I know it sounds like a stupid question so maybe there is no answer as maybe it's pretty self explanatory. He does this. Needs to process and think. It can take a long time. Whereas I want to talk it out.

That's one reason why it helps me to understand.

 

[Anaj]

but is it always PTSD related or a symptom.

It is likely PTSD related, but it could also not be PTSD related. It could be passive aggressiveness or that he gets busy or a million other reasons why he shuts you out after an argument.

 

[Cedun]

It's awesome to see caring people in the world, so thank you too.

I think of 'process' with PTSD almost like a purging of some negative emotions and states. It just happens. Something will trigger a stress response inside, and some of us have these horrible internal meltdowns. Your body and emotions are strong and it's overwhelming and not pleasant to be around honestly. When I do what your husband does, it's because I know I'm incredibly emotional and not in the right state to communicate. Distance lessens the chance I will hurt the other person emotionally. It also let's me just be able to do all crying I want without witnesses lol people need that sometimes. It all demands a lot of patience from supporters. I feel bad for mine. I know I have hurt him and impacted our relationship.

 

[Idaga]

When I shut out people its because its causing too much stress and pain for me to deal with. Positive or negative. So much energy is drained from us with PTSD...

@Arozo, I have a genuine, nagging question and I think the best way for me to ask it is to just be completely frank. I hope you read it in the spirit it's intended (that of curiosity and trying to make sense of a lot of pain) and not as being accusatory, derogatory, or the like.

When you shut people out because you're under too much stress and pain to deal with, I'm sure you are aware even as you're doing it how selfish that is (I don't mean selfish in a negative way, I mean just in the textbook definition of self-interest)... so why don't you try to sit through the stress and pain for the sake of your loved ones feelings? The pain must be unimaginable, it must feel like life or death. But I'm also sure you're a very kind, sensitive person who would normally put others before yourself. I'm wondering what happens when your stress cup overflows that removes other people's feelings from the equation.

I think of 'process' with PTSD almost like a purging of some negative emotions and states. It just happens. Something will trigger a stress response inside, and some of us have these horrible internal meltdowns. Your body and emotions are strong and it's overwhelming and not pleasant to be around honestly.

@Cedun, thank you for explaining that. I understand that for some sufferers this processing period can last days or weeks, but do you think (for someone with untreated PTSD) it could last much longer? Months or more?

 

[Ijot]

@cedun thanks again. That's very helpful info. Just to be clear he is not my husband.

Your response highlights why it is helpful (for me anyway) to know if it's a PTSD related behavior or not. If it's just him being passive aggressive (which I do think may be the case in a couple of instances) that is far different than if he is having some internal struggle going on. In both cases the outcome is the same - he is not communicating and not here.

But if he is struggling, I can sympathize and feel for him. And I do know he struggles and has to process too. He has a very hard time explaining these things to me and I also have tried to get him to let me know that he needs space but he doesn't for one reason or the other. Maybe because he doesn't really know what's going on. I don't know. He is not the best at communicating on the best of times!

@cedun you seem very caring of your supporter. I'm can imagine you feel badly and that shows just how much you do care, believe me. Makes a world of difference.

 

[Masuwi]

Think of isolation like this... your partner is drowning... fighting to swim up current and barely keeping his head above water. He can't worry about helping you swim too.

Being a supporter means you have to swim for yourself sometimes because they're just trying to keep their heads above water.

If his stress cup is running over he's just trying to survive. PTSD breaks your stress response. It's not like stress you'd yourself feel and process... It shuts them down.

Isolation sucks. My partner is an isolator. I look at giving him some space as a loving act. He just needs a "reboot".

 

[Ijot]

Yeah masuwi, I do get that. It's just that sometimes i don't know if he's sulking because he's mad at me, or if he needs that reboot. That's the question for me sometimes. They are very different things!

 

[Wulepa]

so why don't you try to sit through the stress and pain for the sake of your loved ones feelings?

Just answering this for myself and I'm not the person you were talking to. My own answer is that it never occurs to me that the other person would want me around, under the circumstances, must less that they'd feel hurt by my absense. Really and truly! I'm doing them a favor by staying away from them.