Childhood Recovering from childhood violent sexual abuse - can you do it in a relationship?

[TraumaticHealing]

Hi,

in short, my situation: chronic fatigue syndrome for 5 years, living with a partner of whom I think is the best match I can think of. But after 5 years of chronic fatigue, my heavy trauma surfaced, now I have ptsd. My girlfriend said she couldn't handle it anymore.

I went away for two weeks, I returned and things look better now. We thought it would be a good idea that I have my own place for living during therapy. But it is insanely difficult to get a house in my area, even if you have a decent income. I am on social welfare and that is immediately a red flag for the house owners. If I move out of the city I currently live in, I loose my social welfare and have to reapply in my new town. Maybe I do not get social welfare again. I cannot afford that risk at the moment.

In January I go to a specialized ptsd treatment center. How heavy will it be? Can I come back to the home of my girlfriend? Do I really need a place for myself during therapy?

Summary: do you need a place for yourself when in treatment for ptsd caused by severe sexual abuse/violence? Or can you stay in your relation, work on the relation, while working on yourself?

 

[IamJenna]

Hey!
Thanks for ur post.
My partner couldn't handle this either. She is too emotionally shut down herself to be able to handle this stuff.
It's great in a way that ur partner has actually told u upfront that she doesn't understand how to handle this.

In my experience so far it's been such a difficult situation for myself & my partner too. It really has affected the both of us.
I have to keep reminding myself it's not her fault & it's not my fault either.
It's something that I live with & learn to manage as a consequence of someone else's actions so I don't need to beat myself up.

Me & my partner have stayed together through the process so far.
But I tell u what it hasn't been easy at all.
The main thing that has been most affective in helping us both is me going to a survivors group as well as the counselling.
Having the support of a group of ppl to connect with who understand what I'm facing has allievaited the pressure from my partner. As she is equally ill equipt to deal with this massive issue.
If I hadn't have got this extra support I don't know if we would still be together.
As up til going to the group I was leaning too hard on my partner during the rough times.
Also at times the ptsd symptoms r so severe that I can't distinguish the difference between the past abuse & the present. I can get triggered so severely that I just think the abuse is happening again & this gets really messy in the relationship sometimes.
So having the group to call on someone else to help make sense of things & allow me the space to get grounded again is really important to me.

Anyways that's just my experience & everyone's journey is different. Hope it's helped in any way.

 

[EveHarrington]

Ehhhhh

Things are already this bad and about to get worse...... (Things always get worse when you enter treatment.)

 

[what is this]

Ehhhhh

Things are already this bad and about to get worse...... (Things always get worse when yo...

Will it be worse for days? Weeks? Months? Can you say any general things about it? I do have the option to go to my parents house to keep my girlfriend away from the heat, so if therapy loosens up too much I have that option.

Hey!
Thanks for ur post.
My partner couldn't handle this either. She is too emotionally shut down he...

Great to hear that there are stories that it can be done. I hear /read from different sources that it is almost guaranteed to break your romantic relationship. But I don't think it is necessary, we're not incompatible human beings.

 

[EveHarrington]

Will it be worse for days? Weeks? Months? Can you say any general things about it? I do have the option to go to...

There’s no way of telling how long it will be worse. It’s definitely not on the scale of days or weeks. It’s more on the scale of months or more. That’s just the nature of therapy and healing.

 

[mumstheword]

I think it depends on how much compassion, understanding, self-care and patience there is in the relationship. My partner and I are both sufferers, my guy just gave up a drug dependency, while I have early sexual trauma stuff surfacing. It's pretty intense a4pund here, but we have each other's back. I am getting a lot of therapy now, but my energy is very low and adrenals feel shot. I am going into a hospital program for trauma early next year. My guy is kind of bouncing off walls and he's kinda hard work too, but an awesome person and worth it to me.

 

[Deleted member 8714]

Will it be worse for days? Weeks? Months? Can you say any general things about it?

For me it has been years. Basically it's been my job for over 29 years to work on myself. Sometimes it's really bad and sometimes it's tolerable and sometimes, well, I had to have my husband leave because of his reactions to my past abuse. One time I left for 9 months. I've slept in a separate bed/room for awhile as well. My attitude is whatever it takes for me to heal. At first my husband resisted this reality and then he accepted it in his own way and decided to stay married to me.

My husband and I have been married for 32 years. I started to remember three years after we were married. We're both introverts so I think that helps as well. I also have a private office. I can lock the door and keep him out if I need to. Years ago I toyed with the idea of placing a twin bed in it. I never did though.

I'd say most days it's tolerable and we get along fairly well. As my husband said recently, I'm finally getting to know the woman I married and I love her more each day. For so long in the beginning of our marriage I was gone in my own world of horrors and not available to him.

My husband is a survivor of severe neglect so some of my actions trigger off his abuse/neglect and vice versa.

I'm a survivor of satanic ritual abuse, ritual abuse, physical abuse, mental/emotional/psychological abuse, and sexual abuse. Though many on here would say I'm a thriver, I still say survivor.

 

[IamJenna]

For me it has been years. Basically it's been my job for over 29 years to work on myself. Sometimes i...

This was so beautiful to read!! U r most certainly a thriver!
& also gave me a lot of hope reading this. I'm starting to c some of the benefits of facing my trauma too!
It's been soooo challenging & I know I still have a long road to travel down.
This stuff has pushed me to the very edge & even beyond it at times & has felt like unbelievable at times the intensity of it all. But it has so many benefits. I feel connection to others more than ever before. I feel self respect! I feel joy at times. I feel peace inside myself at other times.
& I now have a support network that I never had.
It's soooo worth it!
& just thank u for reminding me!
I'm so grateful to be a survivor & not an abuser. & to have a chance to be a thriver one day!!

 

[Deleted member 8714]

This was so beautiful to read!! U r most certainly a thriver!

Thank you @IamJenna !

 

[what is this]

There’s no way of telling how long it will be worse. It’s definitely not on the scale of days...

Does that include EMDR therapy? Maybe my trauma isn't that severe but I am under the impression that the 60 hours of self-emdr I did last month significantly reduced my symptoms. I still have sweaty hands and feet all day, I still get startled by sudden noises, have idea's of cars colliding into me, I still have moments I don't feel safe in my house, think that my girlfriend will attack me and I wake up scared in the middle of the night when the sleep medication starts to stop working.
But it all has become manageable, it doesn't throw me off for more than a few minutes, the sadness, the anger, the grief doesn't overwhelm me anymore like it did in the first two weeks. The problem of where to sleep helps with keeping the primary trauma in check, there is little time for these feelings.

I do have a lot of trouble handling family that rips open the old trauma's of not being believed, not being protected, other people's feelings are more important than mine etc.

I have a history of multiple cases of violent sexual abuse, forced and violent group sex with adults when I was about 8 years old and around 14 years old and a case of sexual assault in my house where I lived as a kid by the same perpetrators. I sit with an basin / tray in front of me because of the vomiting. I move my eyes like in EMDR and I notice the emotions diminishing.

I do feel I can't remember half of it, I have so many holes in my memory, I am afraid there is much more. Every time a new memory comes up, I can be overwhelmed but I still can manage it with the EMDR.

 

[TraumaticHealing]

My husband is a survivor of severe neglect so some of my actions trigger off his abuse/neglect and vice versa.

I think we are in the same boat. My girlfriend and I trigger each others trauma's. These are the only moments we have a fight. She fights for people that see her, she feels her only job is to make space for me and to help me healing. So she puts herself aside until she cannot handle it anymore, and than, at the moment I need help the most, says I have to leave. Which is in my trauma of not getting any help or support.

It is a heavy story Congruency. Do you get help / therapy or do you do it on your own? Must be heavy, 29 years of healing and still not be done. You are strong, that is for certain.

 

[joeylittle]

@TraumaticHealing - are you also the person who posted as guest ‘what is this’ on this thread?