Can csa learn you to be an abuser

[Icil]

So the other day there was a conversation about learned behaviour coming from CSA. That a person learns that behaviour and carries that forward in their life. Then come to mind something I have heard that victims don’t learn to become abusers. I bring this up as after my abuse started I became sexually active with one other boy my age before I started school I have memories of this. I had sexual activities with other boys after I started school. I never forced any of this but I believe that I used the same kind of grooming to get things started. I don’t really know what to think of this. So was I a predator.

 

[Edic]

Hi @icil....no no no... You were not a predator. You were a little kid who was abused so only understood sex and sexual activities by what was done to you.

Little kids experiment and play with there bodies.... Quiet normal...

You are nothing like the person who took advantage of you. OK... Please remember that.. You were a victim when you were little, now you're a survivor..... You are nothing like them......

 

[Owiz]

I’m in complete agreement with @edic. It’s also really important to keep in mind that these were boys your age. Yes, children are a vulnerable population HOWEVER it is completely normal to experiment with others your age and gender during healthy sexual development. You did not take advantage of these boys. You were growing up and learning about your body- you’d had terrible examples of what sexual contact should be. That does not make you a predator. You are not an abuser.

 

[Ikoz]

Thank you for the responses. I still feel it was a learned behaviour and I was the one that had learned it from the abuse that happen before becoming sexually active as a child.

 

[Ewefat]

I understand the pain of this and the risk of what I have to say. Please be aware to the person who started this I understand you could take what I'm about to say as you did something wrong or you're to blame somehow for the things your trauma prompted you to re enact. I'm not. I know there are others with this question. I know it's an almost impossible question to ask and it's an honor to be a witness to your bravery to ask what you did out loud even anonymously. So here it is: Initiating this behavior (abuse reactive) regardless of the age of the recipient is not normal. The idea that it's abuse reactive is 100% true and therefore 'learned'. The idea that it's normal is wrong. There is nothing normal about an abuse reactive sexuality active child. Saying it's normal is unwise and even dangerous. I did not get proper therapy for many years because therapists overlook this. Therapists who I was trying to tell I had been sexually abused (I was afraid) because of this behavior actually said to me "that's normal." Just because the other children were the same age does not mean that they weren't children or could somehow consent. Children are not normally sexually active. If you had a sex life as a child you should seriously consider if you are a survivor. Memories of childhood sexual encounters at any age are strongly suspect and could point to CSA. A therapist trained in this area can help you understand this acting out in CSA cases is not uncommon and can be a symptom. You were not responsible for those actions because without CSA you would not have known to act this way. I hope this helps and I hope you get help.

 

[Relozu]

I hope this helps and I hope you get help.

All responses help me to look at this through different eyes. Thank you I think it was abusive behaviour on my part. I am very conflicted about being responsible for this. I am sure it would not have happened were I not being abused at the time as I would not have known anything about sex. I don't think there has been anything close to normal in my sex life. I have no idea what normal would be. I am looking for appropriate therapy. I have heard this is normal behaviour before but I don't think so.

 

[Uzoj]

I did this stuff with other girls in my late childhood, at 9, 10,11, after my own childhood sexual abuse. I still feel shame at initiating that stuff but I know I was trying to process my own abuse with no knowledge of how or even that that is what I'de experienced. I think I was a bit of an abuser to those other girls because it was not ok to initiate that stuff at that age but I didn't know any better at the time.

 

[Modat]

And I am dealing with having been on the receiving end of this as a child. I was coerced into things that I doubt a non abused child would come up with on her own. Age 7,8,9,10. The age 7/8 stuff may have actually just been innocent child’s play. (We would pretend to be babies, get naked and “change diapers.”). The stuff at 9-10 was with a different same age friend, but included oral as part of games she created, pretending to be married actions, and possible disturbing other stuff that is currently only random images that may or may not include an adult. Also, I have found that any kind of talk of child molesters triggers these images. But because they don’t make much sense I really dont know if or what happened. Haven’t mentioned it to my T yet, because I am too ashamed.

 

[Ided]

Abused kids often abuse other kids. Yes, they learned to from their abusers.

Some abused kids never abuse any other kids.
Of the ones who do? Most stop.
The few who don't stop? Go on to become abusers themselves.
Most abused kids, including the ones who abused other kids, don't grow up to become abusers themselves.

One thing to know? Not everything learned from an abuser is going to be abusive or wrong.

Take grooming. Subtract the end game and "all" grooming is, is making friends and building trust. Making friends and building trust is a good thing... As long as once you've done that you don't rape them. That's what makes it "grooming". The really terrible part at the end. All/most of the stuff leading up to that? Are normal, wanted, parts of life. That's part of what makes abuse and sexual abuse so damn destructive. That it takes the best things in life, like trust & friendship, and twists them into things that are horrible and wrong. And then everything gets tangled up. There's nothing wrong with making friends. What's wrong is raping people.

 

[Fakuga]

Age 7,8,9,10. The age 7/8 stuff may have actually just been innocent child’s play. (We would pretend to be babies, get naked and “change diapers.”). The stuff at 9-10 was with a different same age friend, but included oral as part of games she created, pretending to be married actions, and possible disturbing other stuff that is currently only random images that may or may not include an adult.

I'm sorry for what you went through this went on for me for several years as well. We never pretended stuff like changing diapers. It was totally sexual in nature oral and anal. I am sure that I know I was reenacting what had happened to me. My first perpetuator never hurt me never forced me. He showed me what to do or I would have never known about anything aboutit. I thought he really liked me and I really like him. So I didn't think anything was wrong.

One thing to know? Not everything learned from an abuser is going to be abusive or wrong.

Take grooming. Subtract the end game and "all" grooming is, is making friends and building trust. Making friends and building trust is a good thing... As long as once you've done that you don't rape them. That's what makes it "grooming".

I was not forced into anything with the first man. He groomed me and my parents no one suspected anything wrong. The force started when he started to share me with his friends. I still don't know how I feel about him. I should hate him. So his grooming did make a strong bond I would not call him my friend though

 

[Ujop]

I was not forced into anything with the first man.

If you were a kid? You can't consent to sex with an adult, it's all sexual assault. Not all rape is violent. It's still rape.

 

[Ribid]

I was an abused kit who abused other kids

I got beaten at home and then would go beat up kids in the neighborhood

You were young and acting out how you knew to act out.

Hugs