The agony of ambivalence

[whiteraven]

I am ready to die. I know that it's a result of the feeling and thinking that I can't control the anxiety or the things I do to sabotage my ability to function "normally" at work, but I don't care. I've really tried - hard - to overcome, but I keep having these intense bouts of anxiety and self-harm and wishing I were dead.

I don't kill myself, even when things are very bad and I'm ready to, because I am deeply afraid that my cats will not be cared or loved with the same dedication that I provide. By extension, I truly don't want to create suffering in anyone else and I think my death would hurt my mom.

It's so hard, this push-pull feeling, of wanting to die but not thinking I can. And it creates more suffering in me, such intense depression and anxiety. And I think what makes it worse is that it is a very isolating feeling - nobody seems to understand how very painful it is.

 

[Muted]

I’ve dealt with this and sometimes still do. There was a period of time that it was almost constant, when I was working through stuff. Now it only creeps up sometimes and I feel like I can manage it or it’s not as intense or long lasting.

How long have you been struggling with this? This really is painful to go through, but I promise if you work through it things will get better.

 

[Freida]

nobody seems to understand how very painful it is.

Wanna bet? I know exactly what you mean. When it is just too much and you can't see any other way out. But the only way out is still not an option because you wont do that to your supporters and pets. So you feel like then only option is to survive and be miserable.

The only thing that gets me thru it is that I know the cost is too high for my loved ones and that I know it will pass -- eventually.

 

[whiteraven]

I’ve dealt with this and sometimes still do. There was a period of time that it was almost constant, wh...

I've been struggling with suicidal thoughts since 7th or 8th grade. I went through years of constantly wanting to die. The periods of ambivalence kinda come in-between. Thing is, people tell me it will get better and it. doesn't.

 

[Muted]

Thing is, people tell me it will get better and it. doesn't.

Are you in therapy? I understand, sometimes I really don’t believe my t when she says it will get better.

 

[whiteraven]

Are you in therapy? I understand, sometimes I really don’t believe my t when she says it will get bette...

Oh yeah. And have been on-and-off since high school...I'm 56 now.

 

[Teleri]

whiteraven I understand. I am ready too. Just heavy with wondering how much longer this will go on. I too have family members that would be scarred for the rest of their lives if I took my life and I remember that. Just like you do with your mom. Lately I have been more mindful of my triggers. I usually feel terribly ashamed and hate myself for wanting to die, but just trying a different approach. My last therapist told me that ptsd sufferers deal with chronic emotional pain just like someone with chronic physical pain. Just knowing that, lifted a lot of my deprecation.

 

[whiteraven]

whiteraven I understand. I am ready too. Just heavy with wondering how much longer this will go on. I...

Thank you, @Teleri. I'm not happy that others feel this way, because it is so hard. But it helps to hear from others who experience the same thing.

I am working hard to understand my triggers, as well. I think I'm doing a pretty good job at the recognition part, but I do a lousy job of managing the major ones. Still trying and haven't given up yet, but still really struggling. The thing that helps me the most is trying to ride through the feelings and remembering that all of it is temporary.

By the way, welcome to the forum!