Relationship Ended things, a few days after his therapy session.

[BoyfriendqwithPTSD]

Hi everyone.
Hope you are all well.
My sufferer has a therapy session on Tuesday where he had to re-live events.
Since then he has felt significantly depressed, he hasn’t been able to focus on his work, his studying.
He’s been feeling down, ‘I feel sick, I feel naseous, I feel like I want to cry, I feel really low’ ever since.

He has an exam coming up which is also triggering him, he feels immensely stressed about this. He’s also mentioned that family members have also been quite derogatory towards him at occasions. He grew up in an abusive family.

He also mentioned that he has spoken to friends recently, and they’re all happy in marriages, with money enough to buy houses, in careers they love.

He has been expressing worries about feeling like he hasn’t got it all sorted.

He stayed at mine this weekend, I didn’t put any pressure on him. We watched a movie and cuddled. He was feeling quite low so I was telling him that he is great, he shouldn’t feel low. I was complimenting him.

We had a dinner which was very awkward. He was silent and showed no interest towards our conversations. Forward to this morning, a few hours ago. He told me that he didn’t feel any excitement in our relationship and he didn’t want to lead me on.

Just before Christmas and during the holidays, we were doing so well. He told me he was starting to really FEEL for me again. He was being affectionate, he was being sweet.

He told me that his feelings are going up and down and he is all over the place at the moment. But when he ‘ends’ things with me , he does it so coldly and says ‘I don’t feel attracted anymore’

It’s reallu f’in painful when he acts so cold and I was really angry. I blew up over the phone. I’m so sick of this now.
I don’t get it! A little over a month ago, things were fine! There was love!

I’m really pissed off right now and I’m beating myself up because I was angry on the phone to him!

How can he one month love me and the next month ‘I don’t feel attracted’

 

[Snowflakes]

@BoyfriendqwithPTSD I’m sorry you are hurting. I’ve read all your threads and posts so there really isn’t anything I could add here that hasn’t already been said. I have found it helpful to re-read my old threads when I sometimes forget what others have told me, especially if I’m stressed with what’s going on now.

Yes, what you’re experiencing is what others have referred to as the “roller coaster” ride of a PTSD relationship.
Yes, you blew up and vented your anger at him. Supporters have feelings too and it’s normal to react out of frustration.

I might gently suggest you stop beating yourself up. You do not have the power to change your boyfriend. Managing his PTSD and/or feelings is his alone just as managing your feelings are yours alone.

I understand your feelings and struggle. After almost 11 years of trying to be a good supporter, not a day goes by that I don’t feel as you do.

Take care of you. Gentle hug if appropriate and you accept.

 

[Gs172003]

Hi everyone.
Hope you are all well.
My sufferer has a therapy session on Tuesday where he h...

None of this has anything to do with you. It has to do with the hell he's dealing with. He needs alot of time to get through what he is trying to do. Can you give him that?

 

[Sweetpea76]

Remember, therapy may make him feel worse at the beginning. It is emotionally exhausting and brings a lot of nasty stuff up to the surface.

He's hanging by his fingernails over the edge of a cliff. He can't work on the relationship now. He can't handle compliments and pep talks right now. It's all more stress.

This has zero to do you. It really does. It's not your fault. It's nothing you're doing. He is ill. He cannot help how he is feeling. You can't do anything to make it better. All you can do is be compassionate, patient, and handle your own emotion needs for the time being.

 

[BoyfriendqwithPTSD]

Thank you all.
I understand that this may be the rollercoaster ride of PTSD. I take on board what everyone is saying.

My only question though is: him saying ‘I’m not attracted any more’

Is that also PTSD? Because those words really hurt me

 

[Freida]

Ok --- you are going to hate this. but.

I’m not attracted any more’

The thing that will finally make you go away.

He is drowning and right now you are pushing him under even more. You think you are helping but just reading what he is going thru right now?? No. No. NO.

He told me he was starting to really FEEL for me again.

I think you are interpreting his beginning to feel as a good thing. It's NOT. It hurts. So very much. It's panic inducing. It's risky. It's painful. You don't just feel happy stuff -- you also feel the nightmares that you have been blocking for months/years/decades. It all come crashing down on you at once and all you can do is fight to get it back into hiding where it belongs. And feeling love for someone? Oh god no.

Imagine all the angst you have had with this relationship. Will it work? Will it go down in flames? Does he love me or not? Now imagine that while your head is screaming and you cant remember how to feel the emotions. You have to relive them and that is terrifying.

That doesn't mean he gets a pass on how he is treating you. But. it's a mal-adaptive coping technique to try to hold on to his sanity. And you getting mad at him about it? That's perfectly ok. But it won't give you the response (I'm sorry, I won't do it again, I love you) that you want.

If you are even considering continuing a relationship with someone with ptsd YOU need to get into counseling to learn how to deal with the ups and downs. Because it is not going to go away. He is not going to wake up one day and be all better. PTSD is for life. You can get better at managing the symptoms but it will always affect your life. And the lives of your supporters.

 

[BoyfriendqwithPTSD]

But @Freida he was saying to me ‘I’m starting to feel again’ in a positive way, he was saying he is starting to like me romantically again.

I understand what you are saying, him feelinf again means he is feeling everything. The good and bad.

Just hurt SO MUCH that he say ‘I’m not attracted anymore’ when he was just about a month ago.

I understand that this is his PTSD talking. I haven’t even heard from him today since the early morning. Usually it barely ever goes this long without us communicating.
It hurts so so much.

 

[LuckiLee]

He's been playing with your emotions for months now. He just started therapy and therapy is HELL. I'd leave him be to sort himself out which could take months (or even years). He's not healthy enough to take care of himself let alone your concerns.

Go back over your posts. They're all pretty much the same and you were given excellent advice.

He CAN'T give you what you need right now. It's best to accept this and take care of yourself. I'm sorry you're hurting but he is doing what he should. Taking care of himself. PTSD is lifelong. No cure. No magic pill. No amount of prayers can cure it. Only hard work at therapy and a CHOICE to learn about his symptoms and triggers.

Do what he's doing and take care of YOURSELF!

 

[BoyfriendqwithPTSD]

I’m not refusing to take any advice.
I’m just hurt, and I’m trying to figure out how saying ‘I don’t feel attraction’ is a part of PTSD.
Or if it isn’t because I’m not completely sure.
I’m not overwhelming him with my emotions either. We spent the weekend together and any time he was upset I said to him ‘don’t focus on US, focus on YOU. We don’t have to put any pressure on us at the momet’

Yet he rings me today and starts talking about US

 

[LuckiLee]

A relationship is a STRESSOR.

 

[Sweetpea76]

"I don't feel attraction" is part of PTSD.

It is very much a symptom.

To be blunt, my vet once to told me that it is very hard to be horny if all you're thinking about is dead bodies.

 

[Freida]

But @Freida he was saying to me ‘I’m starting to feel again’ in a p...

Yep. It's positive. Until it's not. This is the challenge you are having. You want this to be normal. Like every one else's relationship. And it never will be. That's the push pull thing.

I love you I hate you don't leave me leave me alone.

This is life with ptsd. It can be managed but it will ALWAYS be there. Even on my best days I sometimes hate my supporters. And they accept that because they have chosen to. Not me. Them. Is it fair? Hell no. But it's my reality. And I can't change it. They will NEVER really know how I feel because I don't know how I feel from moment to moment. There is no happy ending.