desiderata310
MyPTSD Pro
I hesitate to write this because it screams of #metoo and that's not the point.
All things considered I don't consider this a "me too" moment. I consider this problem associated with ME. Something wrong with how I live, how I work, how I respond to people on a regular basis that puts me in a place where people like this person feel that they can act - however slyly they think they are doing it- in an inappropriate manner.
Let me start off by explaining:
I'm the only woman in a sea of guys. I put up with a lot of BS because I know that's all it is: BS. It's harmless and because I tend to allow for a certain level of BS the guys feel free to pull out the 'that's what she said' level of jokes and relax a bit. It helps with the ease with which I can interact with them. That stuff might be inappropriate or labeled as sexual harassment by most of the world. For them, I know it's like telling a knock knock joke. They don't even think about it. It's just something to say that makes everyone chuckle for a second. If I start down the road yelling sexual harassment, I KNOW how it plays out (too many of us in this industry have dealt with that kind of thing) I get labeled as a troublemaker both by my HR department and the local. I need to keep the local on my side.
You'd think working in an environment like this my entire career that I wouldn't find myself so confused and at a loss about what to do
There is one older guy: he's one that my male BOSS said he didn't trust (for different reasons). I have caught him looking at me, and it was this funny sort of look that I couldn't place so I asked him what was wrong. He said nothing. He was just taking it all in and added 'you know you like that'
I turned red, I heard myself laugh a nervous laugh and smile and he grabbed my arm (why do people ever think it's ok to grab someone's arm?)and I know I stiffened and walked away. Since then, there's been a number of times that he's given me a look that made me uncomfortable but never did anything OVERTLY inappropriate. It's been things like, sliding up beside me and standing too close. Anything to get in my 'bubble'. And looks that make me feel like I need to take a shower.
I've gotten to where I just avoid him entirely.
The thing is, this isn't the first time: even here at this new place. There's been a couple of other guys who have made me terribly uncomfortable. Historically, there's the guy who worked at the convention center, the donor who cost me a job, and a number of other interactions that weren't as long lived and onerous.
Forget 'Me Too' for a moment. There's plenty of blame to shove at people for their behavior. What I want to do is to make me appear as less... vulnerable? easy a target? less likely to retaliate? I want to understand what I did to make this person feel that they could start behaving in this manner. How to make it stop. How to never let it happen again. It's a pattern in my life that I'm beginning to see and I can't figure out how to make it stop. I honestly feel like I have a target painted on my forehead or a sign pinned to my back that says 'you can f*ck with this one'
My therapist insists that I make it clear where the line is. The thing is, the damage has been done. In that one interaction. And I know it. He's already sized me up and drawn his own conclusions about what he can or can't get away with.
So what is it about ME? How do I change this going forward? How DOES someone change things here without making a scene? Or is that all that's left to me now?
All things considered I don't consider this a "me too" moment. I consider this problem associated with ME. Something wrong with how I live, how I work, how I respond to people on a regular basis that puts me in a place where people like this person feel that they can act - however slyly they think they are doing it- in an inappropriate manner.
Let me start off by explaining:
I'm the only woman in a sea of guys. I put up with a lot of BS because I know that's all it is: BS. It's harmless and because I tend to allow for a certain level of BS the guys feel free to pull out the 'that's what she said' level of jokes and relax a bit. It helps with the ease with which I can interact with them. That stuff might be inappropriate or labeled as sexual harassment by most of the world. For them, I know it's like telling a knock knock joke. They don't even think about it. It's just something to say that makes everyone chuckle for a second. If I start down the road yelling sexual harassment, I KNOW how it plays out (too many of us in this industry have dealt with that kind of thing) I get labeled as a troublemaker both by my HR department and the local. I need to keep the local on my side.
You'd think working in an environment like this my entire career that I wouldn't find myself so confused and at a loss about what to do
There is one older guy: he's one that my male BOSS said he didn't trust (for different reasons). I have caught him looking at me, and it was this funny sort of look that I couldn't place so I asked him what was wrong. He said nothing. He was just taking it all in and added 'you know you like that'
I turned red, I heard myself laugh a nervous laugh and smile and he grabbed my arm (why do people ever think it's ok to grab someone's arm?)and I know I stiffened and walked away. Since then, there's been a number of times that he's given me a look that made me uncomfortable but never did anything OVERTLY inappropriate. It's been things like, sliding up beside me and standing too close. Anything to get in my 'bubble'. And looks that make me feel like I need to take a shower.
I've gotten to where I just avoid him entirely.
The thing is, this isn't the first time: even here at this new place. There's been a couple of other guys who have made me terribly uncomfortable. Historically, there's the guy who worked at the convention center, the donor who cost me a job, and a number of other interactions that weren't as long lived and onerous.
Forget 'Me Too' for a moment. There's plenty of blame to shove at people for their behavior. What I want to do is to make me appear as less... vulnerable? easy a target? less likely to retaliate? I want to understand what I did to make this person feel that they could start behaving in this manner. How to make it stop. How to never let it happen again. It's a pattern in my life that I'm beginning to see and I can't figure out how to make it stop. I honestly feel like I have a target painted on my forehead or a sign pinned to my back that says 'you can f*ck with this one'
My therapist insists that I make it clear where the line is. The thing is, the damage has been done. In that one interaction. And I know it. He's already sized me up and drawn his own conclusions about what he can or can't get away with.
So what is it about ME? How do I change this going forward? How DOES someone change things here without making a scene? Or is that all that's left to me now?