Relationship Trying my hardest not to feel defeated...

[BoyfriendqwithPTSD]

Hi everyone.

As some of you may know, I’ve been in a relationship with my SO for the past 7 years. Right now I’m not so sure of our actual ‘relationship status’ as there’s been so much push and pull.

My SO is a good guy. He’s been loving, kind and a great partner. We’ve had our ups and down, and he has some mental health issues previous to PTSD. He’s suffered from anxiety for 10 years now and at times depressive episodes. I’ve kind of picked up on that he’s grown up in an unhealthy household, quite abusive actually. He’s witnessed abuse towards family members such as his mum and other members. I know through out his childhood he’s felt quite invalidated and always had a huge urge to be liked by everyone. He actually can’t stand the thought of not being liked by people.

He’s always had somehow idealistic thoughts of how life should be. Always ‘exciting, fun, fast’ even with relationship. He claims you should always feels those butterflies. For me, it’s just not realistic at all. Yes it would be gr at to always feel like that, but it’s just not how things are in reality.

After PTSD we’ve tried hard to work on our relationship as he feels numb and he has no feelings towards me and our relationship. At times we’ve succeeded and he has successfully gained feelings back! However its like he then freaks out after a while and becomes numb again.

He started therapy about 1,5 months ago and since then he has been ESPECIALLY bad and low in mood. It’s like his symptoms have become 10x worse. And he is at times insistent on that he just CANNOT hack the pressure of a relationship. He feels like being responsible for someone else (me) is far too much of a burden and pressure when he is so unwell. If I ask him anything about us, he does not want to promise anything because he just feels so guilty. He fears he is ‘dragging me along’ and wasting my time. Sometimes he also hints at how ‘someone else’ might be able to ‘save him’ and ‘get his attention’ hence fix his PTSD. Basically saying, that his numbness just depends on that he isn’t that in to me and someone else might be able to sweep him of his feet... but then at other times he contradicts that completely and tells me he can’t see himself being with anyone else but me.

I’m just at a crossroads. What do I do? Whenever we stop communication, he starts reaching out again and then all of a sudden we’re talking on the phone loads of times a day. He’s starting EMDR in a few weeks which is giving me some hope because I’ve read that it helps the emotional numbness. I’m taking care of myself, working and staying occupied, waiting to start with a therapist, meditating and just enjoying doing things for ME. However at times it gets hard and I don’t know what to make of the situation. It hurts me greatly when he indicates that ‘maybe someone else can fix me’. I don’t think he’s fully aware of how PTSD works as of yet, and his idealistic way of thinking doesn’t help.

What do I do in this situation? Sometimes I get confused if it’s his PTSD talking or if he’s a jerk who just doesn’t appreciate me.

I don’t want to lose him, I’ve been with him for a long time and it hurts to think of a future without him. Is the any input from sufferers I can get on this? Anyone who can recognize this kind of behavioral pattern?

THANK YOU all so much for endless support. I would have gone crazy without you all!! Thank you xx

 

[Sweetpea76]

If he grew up in an abusive household there probably isn't a "before PTSD". That's the kind of thing that gives some people PTSD.

PTSD is misdiagnosed a lot. It has a symptom cluster. A lot of these symptoms can be symptoms of other things. It's a very fluid disorder. It can be cyclical and he could be more or less symptomatic at given times. I wouldn't try and concentrate on dividing timelines into "before" GAD and post diagnosis PTSD. It's probably all the same thing and he wasn't as symptomatic then. If I were you I'd focus on "now". Now is what you need to work with.

As far as what you personally do... what is it that you want to do? He is not in charge of your life, you are. What is best for you, your happiness, and your mental health?

 

[Snowflakes]

What do I do in this situation? Sometimes I get confused if it’s his PTSD talking or if he’s a jerk who just doesn’t appreciate me.

I can’t see your profile to look at your past threads to get a sense of your sufferers mindset. I can share my experience when I had the same question. I learned from others here, supporters and sufferers, that having PTSD is not an excuse to be an ass towards you. PTSD is not an excuse to be abusive towards you.

I think the answer to your question is what happens after he is a jerk to you. If he owns his actions and apologizes after being symptomatic, then he is not a jerk. In my case, my boundary became that I would leave if continued to be emotionally abused. My sufferer now owns her actions and apologizes after her symptoms subside.

Do keep in mind that your boyfriend is recently in treatment. It tends to get much worse for him before it starts to get better at this point as he and his therapist work through things. As long as he is in treatment, I’d give him the benefit of the doubt. It shows he is trying.

I don’t want to lose him, I’ve been with him for a long time and it hurts to think of a future without him. Is the any input from sufferers I can get on this? Anyone who can recognize this kind of behavioral pattern?

I’ve been with my sufferer for over 10 years. I can truly empathize with your feelings. I do recognize what you’re describing. I believe you are doing all the right things and your boyfriend is in treatment so he is doing the right things. While no one can predict your future, I can tell you that, in my case, once my sufferer started working her therapy and I did what you are doing including setting good boundaries, our life together became more manageable.

Take care and a gentle hug if appropriate and you accept.

@Sweetpea76 post appeared as I was typing. I would recommend you read a lot of her past posts. Doing so helped me immensely as I struggled with these same questions.

 

[BoyfriendqwithPTSD]

@Snowflakes

@Snowflakes, appreciate the response, thanks! I cant differentiate on if he is genuinely done with our relationship or just extremely symptomatic. What I do know is, he has been feeling so much worse after starting therapy. He is constantly saying "I feel worthless. I feel like sh*t, I feel anxious all the time. I think about things million times a day, my brain just doesn't stop. I don't feel any joy in my life, I feel dead inside, I have to stop myself from breaking down all the time"
Its awful, I just don't recognize him anymore. He is just like a robot. In the years we were in a relationship I barely ever saw him cry but now...he cries all the time. He feels like he is going crazy because he cant stop thinking.
After the trauma he experienced, he has wanted to try and make our relationship work. He has always had the urge that he would really love it if it did work. Like I mentioned in my previous post, sometimes he had actually gotten some feelings back for me. However after a while he sort of goes through another low and the feelings are gone again.

After he has started therapy, I have noticed that his "urge of wanting to make it work" has become less, and is now nearly gone. Or completely gone. He feels worse than ever before, and he is becoming more insistent that its just "not going to work, my feelings aren't growing for you". Everytime I do stop speaking to him though, he will always return and want to speak to me and keep in touch. I know I am his safe person as well.

I know that what really bothers him is that he feels its a burden and immense pressure trying to "force" feelings for me. He feels very guilty as he feels he is dragging me down with him. He feels like he is wasting my time and years, that I deserve better. He says he only says these things because he cares for him. He feels like its a pressure on him if I was to wait it out (until he feel better), and for us to try again. He just does not want the responsibility. I asked him if we could wait to work on us until after therapy, and maybe if he then felt better he would be in a better mindset. He said "no!! because that becomes stressful for me!"

I just don't know what to do to be honest. I am keeping myself from breaking down. He has just become so distant emotionally and it hurts me so much. Maybe he is just extremely emotionally numb right now...

Has any sufferer felt similar to him? Like they just want to give up on their relationship with their partner because they cant feel anything for them?

Accepting @Snowflakes hug and giving a big hug to everyone.

Thank you all, writing on here gives me a moment of comfort. I am trying so hard to keep myself together right now.

 

[BoyfriendqwithPTSD]

@Sweetpea76 there was supposed to be a reply for you above as well but I think I did something strange so it didn’t show up.
Was just saying that I’m trying my best to do everything for me and my mental health. It is just extremely hard at times because I genuinely don’t understand what will happen in the future or if I’m supposed to be moving on from him.


Also just wanted to add, that sometimes he does say stuff like ‘it’s just me, I just don’t feel much for anyone or anything right now’ so he does recognize that he is generally numb atm...

 

[Sweetpea76]

You hit kind of a "zen" place after dealing with your partner's PTSD for awhile. I always take a deep breath and remind myself "actions speak louder than words". My partner may not be able to tell me how much he loves me, but he shows me he loves me in different ways.

He may talk about leaving and finding a new love to feel better, but he isn't doing it. He is still talking to you and spending time with you. That says more than the words. If he said he couldn't be with you, and then cut off communication and blocked your number it'd be a different thing.

Step back. Relax. Breathe.

Regroup and do some self care. Once you settle your own nerves you can think from a calm place.

 

[BoyfriendqwithPTSD]

@Sweetpea76 wish I could give you a massive hug for fast response, thank you.
I haven’t seen him in a few weeks, because I have been away. But he hadn’t ever ceased contact for more than a few days. So I think that’s positive.

Has your SO ever said of done similar things?^^

Thank you and hugs to all x

 

[Snowflakes]

I know that what really bothers him is that he feels its a burden and immense pressure trying to "force" feelings for me. He feels very guilty as he feels he is dragging me down with him. He feels like he is wasting my time and years, that I deserve better.

Yes.....this feeling is common and often becomes worse when beginning treatment and they become more aware of what is happening. If he is telling you these things, then he truly cares for you. My sufferer felt that way for years and is feeling better as her therapy progresses but it did take time. Sweetpea76 gave excellent advice above the “zen place.” It took me a whole year after arriving here at myptsd to get to that place. Yes, my sufferer still has bad days and struggles but I’m now at a place where I can be a better supporter because her bad days do not drag me down anymore. I’m not saying my days are perfect; PTSD relationships has its moments at times but it can be managed so as to be less stressful for you as your boyfriends supporter.

Asking the questions here are the first steps to arriving at that place @Sweetpea76 describes. Take care :hug:

 

[Sweetpea76]

My vet can go to some really dark places when he is symptomatic. He has been numb, detached, and unaffectionate. He has said he can't be a good partner to me. He has said he can't be in a relationship. There are times when he's in self preservation mode when I have to "suck it up" as far as our relationship is concerned. He hasn't ever ended things, but if I let my mind run away with me when he talks like that I'd be miserable.

I look for the positives. The easiest thing in the world would be for him to walk away and never come back. Being with me is an avoidable stressor. He stays. To me that shows that he is fighting for us and that he loves me.

 

[BoyfriendqwithPTSD]

@Snowflakes @Sweetpea76 thank you for the comfort and hope that things can better. I really appreciate everyone here willing to share their stories It honestly gives me comfort on my darkest days, such as today.

He has been more adamant then ever (like mentioned previously more so after starting therapy) that it’s not going to work between us. Yet he doesn’t completely leave either.

How do I know it’s genuinely not just THE END though? I know he still keeps in touch which is a good sign, but maybe he has mentally checked out and decided ‘no it’s never gonna work’, yet might not be able to let go since after being in each others lives for such a long time it must be hard to just stop speaking to someone? What do you guys think?

 

[Snowflakes]

How do I know it’s genuinely not just THE END though? I know he still keeps in touch which is a good sign, but maybe he has mentally checked out and decided ‘no it’s never gonna work’, yet might not be able to let go since after being in each others lives for such a long time it must be hard to just stop speaking to someone? What do you guys think?

In any relationship, PTSD or not, this is a possibility. We try to live for today because no one truly knows the future. We can make ourselves crazy by wondering about the future but all that accomplishes is making us crazy. Carpe Diem, my friend :)

 

[BoyfriendqwithPTSD]

It’s so true @Snowflakes. Carpe Diem.

I just don’t know what to make of the situation at this moment.
We’re still in touch, haven’t seen eachother for sometime and at times he is distant, but then at other times he rings me 10 times a day.. so confusing :/