Major flashbacks

[Pinkgiraffe]

I have been seeing my therapist for almost a year and I really struggle to tell her things I feel I need to, It took a while but I managed to ask her about sitting next to each other, on the floor, and she was really happy to do that and she came up with colouring during our sessions to try and help keep me present in the room. We are still mostly working on symptom management and only just starting to consider exploring my past.

I started to receive emails, from an old abusers, a few days ago. He sends them every two years, around this time, and I haven't read any since 2014. I was adopted shortly before they started and my dad noticed my symptoms worsening, which resulted in me telling him. He read them, so I didn't have to and eventually convinced me to talk to the police. We gave them copies of the emails, but not the email addresses as I really don't feel able to go through an investigation then or currently. I am terrified to tell my dad as they scare him and I hate seeing him go through that. I really want to tell my therapist, but also feel like I should read them.

I have been having really severe flashbacks over the last few days, and I am really worried about going to my therapy appointment and having a severe flashback in front of my therapist. I have had some dissociation, mild flashbacks and panic attacks in front of her and she is good at helping me to get grounded during them. However, the ones recently are much worse and I lose all awareness of my surroundings and things going on in the present and they last for well over an hour. My therapy sessions are an hour long and I have to get the bus home, and I have already had occasions when I have barely made it.
What sort of things might she be able to do to help ground me if one of these occur in our session?
Should I talk to her about the emails?
Should I tell my dad about the emails?
Can I ask her to call my dad so he can come and get me from her office?
Could I ask her for a hug?
Should I email her and tell her my fears?

Sorry for such a long post and all the questions, and thank you if you read it.

Mara

 

[barefoot]

Sorry to hear you are having a rough time at the moment.

Sounds like you could benefit from spending some more time on grounding and stabilisation with your therapist. And that maybe she needs to allow more time at the end of sessions to ensure that you are present before you leave her room.

What sort of things might she be able to do to help ground me if one of these occur in our session?

There are a whole host of grounding tools/methods she could use with you to help you to stay/become present before you leave sessions (and that you could use yourself out of sessions to). If you search this forum you will find lots of threads focused on grounding with many many suggestions listed. They key thing is to stimulate your senses to help to get you back into your body and into the now. So, common grounding tools include things like: smelling a strong smell, eating a strong flavoured sweet, holding ice or hot pockets, listening to a blast of loud music etc. Things that are quite jarring to jolt you out of your dissociative state/flashback and get you back to the present. There are literally hundreds of things that could work for you. I have a box of items that I always take to therapy just in case I need to do some serious grounding. The box contains some strong menthol sweets that I don't like that much but that work in a slightly blow-your-head-off kind of way, a black peppercorn essential oil (that has the same effect as the sweets - it's not a smell I like much, but it does jolt me back), hand cream (I find applying it very grounding and soothing)

Should I talk to her about the emails?

It's not really about "shoulds" – it's just your choice whether you want to or not and whether you think she may be able to help. For me, yes, I think it would be the wort of thing I would share with mine, because I think she would be able to offer support around it. But that doesn't mean that you "should". Are there things that are making you feel that you shouldn't tell her about them?

Should I tell my dad about the emails?

Again, your choice and one I don't feel I can advise you on. You said he has been scared by them in the past - is that why you are hesitant about letting him know you have received the recent ones?

Can I ask her to call my dad so he can come and get me from her office?

I think it's a sound and reasonable idea to agree some kind of plan with her about what happens if you aren't in a fit state to leave a session. I have quite a long journey using public transport to get home from therapy and it became an issue for us and my T would get very worried about whether I would get home safely. And, in the end, she said that we needed to agree a plan for whenever that happened again. So, if your dad is willing to do this, I think it would be worth letting your therapist know, giving her his contact details and asking if she could make that call if she thinks it's necessary or advisable (you may not be in a fit state to ask her to do it or to agree to her doing it at the time)

Could I ask her for a hug?

Do you know her policy on this and whether she gives hugs? Some do. Plenty don't. If you're not sure and, if you think having a hug from her would help, I guess there is no harm in asking. But be prepared that she might say no as it's not something she does. And/or she might want to discuss with you why it is that you want a hug etc. If you're ok to have that chat and feel that you will be ok if she declines your request, talk to her about it. Are you thinking a hug would be grounding? If so, you could maybe think about whether there are any other ways to ground instead that maybe do a similar thing for you. Eg wrapping yourself tightly in a blanket? Or sitting against the wall/between two bits of furniture or something in her room so that you feel enveloped/contained? If you know what the need is that the hug will meet, you may be able to meet it another way?

Should I email her and tell her my fears?

Again, up to you. Personally, I would as I find it easier to write than to speak about things I feel a bit anxious about - like you, I really struggle to bring up things that I feel I need to talk about. So, I do sometimes ping her an email to let her know something or, more often, to make myself accountable for something I want us to talk about in session. It works well and she is open to it. She only responds with a brief note to acknowledge that she's received/read it and to say let's talk about it next session – she wouldn't ever get into an email exchange with me about the actual content. That helps me a lot to know that I've put it out there so I don't have to stew about it and then maybe not bring it up in session - it definitely helps me to be able to cover what I want to talk about. Do you know if she is open to receiving emails between sessions beyond messages about scheduling?

Good luck with it all :)

 

[Pinkgiraffe]

Sorry to hear you are having a rough time at the moment.

Sounds like you could benefit from spending...

Hi Barefoot,

My therapist has essentials oil that we have used a couple of times and she went through them with me, so we picked out ones that helped and ones that didn't.

The main fear I have with telling her about the emails is that I am still terrified she will be ashamed of me, or hate me for telling her. The emails themselves are graphic and contain information about things he did to me in the past and things he wants to do. I really struggle saying most things out loud to anyone, my initial statement with the police took a couple of days.

I'm scared of seeing dad scared, in the past he flinched whenever I messaged as he thought it would be about another email, he didn't sleep and was ill. I am used to being scared but seeing him scared just made it more real. I have a baby brother, he is 20 months old, and that worries me too.

I know dad would be happy to come and get me, so I'll bring it up with my therapist and organise something with her. There has been a couple of occasions, when I've texted to say I got home.

I may leave the hug thing a bit longer, I'm not sure I can explain why I want them, although dad uses them as a way to bring me back to the present. I don't have a clue what her policy is with them.

We do email between sessions sometimes, a lot of the time it is reassurance that I'm not in trouble or to blame, and sometimes because I have tried to say something in the session and failed spectacularly.

Thank you for your help.

 

[EveHarrington]

Are essential oils the only grounding tool your therapist uses with you?

 

[barefoot]

That all makes sense. And it sounds like you have a caring therapist.

With regards to telling her about the emails...it doesn’t have to be an all or nothing decision. You can - if you want to and if it will make it more manageable for you - reveal things in bite size chunks. So, you can sort of drip feed it to her as opposed to going in and telling her everything off the bat.

So, for instance, one session, you could say that you have recently received some emails that are bothering you but that you don’t feel able to say anything more about them yet. Another session you could say who the emails were from. Another session, that they contain graphic content about past traumatic experiences. Another session about how you feel about the emails and that you are having more flashback. Another session about your dilemma around telling your dad about them. Etc etc. There’s nothing to say you have to spill everything in one go. If it helps you to manage things and stay regulated, eek it out. Yes, it will take longer to get all the info out there to her but it may help you to stay feeling more present and in control? And it may help you to trust that she isn’t going to feel negatively about you to see her reaction as you reveal things bit by bit. Just something to think about. You may prefer a full out purge!

And I’m also just going to say: your therapist won’t feel ashamed of you or hate you for telling her. It’s her job. She is used to hearing people share difficult, unpleasant things. She is not there to judge and you do not have to take care of her or worry how she will manage her feelings. And, anyway, you are talking about an abuser writing to you about abusive experiences....and though I don’t know any details of what happened (and I’m not asking you to say!) I’m confident that I can say without hesitation that you do not need to feel ashamed. The shame is on them for doing whatever awfulness they did.

 

[Pinkgiraffe]

Are essential oils the only grounding tool your therapist uses with you?

No. We colour every session whilst talking. We do various breathing things and noticing things round the room, like 5 things I can see that are blue or circular, things I can hear, etc. We often look at photos or videos of my baby brother, or talk about new things he has done, this is the most effective for panic attacks but not so good when I'm dissociating.

 

[EveHarrington]

Ok it’s good that you know multiple skills.

Does anything help while you are dissociating?

Strong smells?
Certain tastes?
Hot?
Cold?
Sounds?

 

[Suzetig]

To be honest, she needs to know about the emails - not necessarily about what’s in them but that your abuser is still in touch. The fact that he still contacts you really compromises your emotional and psychological safety and safety is the very first thing to establish in trauma therapy. She may get to thinking you’re ready to process trauma (because you’re safe) when you’re not fully safe yet. Doing that work too quickly and without safety can cause all kinds of problems and she needs to know what she’s working with.

As far as the emails go, I’m surprised the police didn’t demand the email address tbh, assuming your still a minor, sending explicit content to you is an offence and police are duty bound to investigate. I’m also not getting why you didn’t block his email or change your email address after the first time he sent them. I don’t say that to be blaming of you, but taking some care of yourself is a really important skill to learn and your T can help you do that.

Regardless of how you think your dad feels about the emails, it’s important he knows about them. Parents, therapists, the police are all part of a network of people who support and protect children and young people - they literally can’t do that if you don’t tell them. I’m guessing part of your original abuse included keeping things secret, possibly with the threat that something bad would happen if you didn’t keep quiet.

You’re not in that place anymore, you don’t need to keep his secrets anymore.

 

[barefoot]

For some reason, I hadn’t even considered that OP is a minor!

@Pinkgiraffe - if you are a minor, I second what @Suzetig says above about letting your dad know.

My take/suggestions were on the basis that you’re an adult and that about making choices that helped you to manage overwhelming feelings and to therefore try to help keep you present in sessions and avoid the flashbacks you say you have been increasingly experiencing.

If you are a minor, that does put a different spin on some of it, for me.

 

[Pinkgiraffe]

Ok it’s good that you know multiple skills.

Does anything help while you are dissociating?

S...

Citrus oils help and I have anchors that I take with me to the sessions, so my therapist has put them in my hands a couple of times, which helps. When I'm at home and dad is with me, feeling his beard is the thing that helps most, none of my abusers had beards so I only associate it with dad and being safe.
I would love to have some more, if you have any suggestions. I really struggle with grounding when I'm by myself.

 

[Pinkgiraffe]

For some reason, I hadn’t even considered that OP is a minor!

@Pinkgiraffe - if...

I'm not a minor, I'm in my 20s. The police have tried to force me to give the email a few times, but I really don't feel like I can. I had a bad experience with the police when I was 16, my biological mother made them believe I was making it up and they refused to believe me.

There was a lot of discussion about blocking the emails, but dad and police eventually decided that it would be best not to, as he seems to be very open in the emails and has talked about how he is going to kidnap me in some. They think he would likely to email saying that he was going to come and find me.

I think I will try and tell my therapist about the emails, in Monday's session. I won't have to show them to her?

I still think I'm going to get in trouble and be punished for everything, which definitely makes it harder.

 

[Suzetig]

You don’t need to show them to her but telling her is important.

As far as the emails go, I can see why they’d think it’s better for you to receive them because it builds a case against your dad, that’s not really considering your welfare though and there are ways to keep the emails arriving without you seeing them (they could be filtered off to a separate folder for example), or you could keep that email account solely for his emails and have someone check it every so often.

It would be worth exploring in therapy the need you’re having met by keeping reading his emails, especially if they bring on such difficult symptoms.