Relationship Isolation

[JM318]

I’m aware it’s different for everyone, but what is typical amount of time for isolation?

For our relationship- isolation has always lead to breaking up, but we live together now. So I told him to take time for himself while I stay at a friends house, and that we need to skip the breaking up and work through our obstacles, so we can keep moving forward and not backward anymore. I want to know how long a I should wait to hear from him, or if I should reach out myself? It’s only been about 4 days and I know most times it takes him a while, but the breakup is a factor then so I’m unsure.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

what is typical amount of time for isolation?

Minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, years. There isn't a "typical time for isolation". I have needed a few mins to cool off, days, in many cases months, and a few cases years.

 

[Esterio]

Hi JM318
I would go with what lostforgottensoul said there is no typical time for isolation. For me it depends on how bad my symptoms are that determines how long isolation is necessary.
Peace be safe
Esterio

 

[JM318]

Hi JM318
I would go with what lostforgottensoul said there is no typical time for isolation. For me it...

Yes I’m aware there is no set time as I noted in my post. I’m asking how long everyone else handles isolation typically

 

[Justmehere]

When you ask the typical time for isolation for the sufferer, this poll might be helpful: How Long Do Shut Outs Last

I’m asking how long everyone else handles isolation typically

I think what you are asking though is how long a supporter should sustain a shut out by a sufferer?

That is also variable. Just as variable as how long the sufferer shuts out.

Did he set any boundaries for you reaching out to him again? Did you plan on him letting you know when he was ready to connect or not?

You are choosing to live someplace else, and that’s a pretty big thing to take on. Did you communicate at the start how long you’d be willing to do that?

If no boundaries were communicated by either of you about reconnecting, I think it would be fine to reach out after 4 days.

It would also be reasonable to let him know how long you will be willing to stay at your friends place and when you’ll need to move back in or move on. You can let him know your limit on shuts outs. That’s totally ok. I dated a person who was clear, they could not go days without contact. Other partners of mine could go longer.

You write a lot about what “we need” to do. I’d focus more on “I need.” Example: “I need for us to not keep breaking up and getting back together again, but to figure out a better path forward” is less arguable and less pressure than “we need to do this or that.” What you need is what you need. Using “I” statements allows him to either rise up to the occasion and meet what you need or to make it clear he can’t or won’t be able to meet what you need.

I’d figure out how long you can sustain a shut out. Then go from there.

 

[Esterio]

I guess I am the one that Isolates so I maybe I can't really answer your question. I stay home stay away from people turn my phone off lock all the doors and windows and wait for something to change. I listen to music try to sleep don't do much. The first time that I remember isolating I was laying down on the floor in my closet I was there all day until my wife found me there. She tried to make sure I wasn't isolating and would find me when she got home from work and ask me the same question How was your day? I think I never answered her I, I kept going further away to isolate. She could not understand and I couldn't either. Now I realize I can lessen my symptoms and save myself a lot of explaining and embarrassment. I used to stand my ground and fight what ever now at the first sign of anxiety or anger I flee and isolate for as long as it takes my symptoms to lesson. I can go into deep isolation and it can last.

I don't think I can answer the question as good as someone that is a supporter. I thank you for the topic. It is one that I have struggled to understand.

Peace be safe
Esterio

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I want to know how long a I should wait to hear from him

How long can you wait? How long is too long for you? These are questions you need to answer for yourself. Some supporters have a boundry of check in "I'm ok" texts every so often to ensure their sufferer is at least alive. I can do that during isolation. But how can you, yourself, wait? Lay those boundries with him. Make sure they are clear. Lay out approprate consequences for not adhering to said boundries. Then deploy those boundries.

 

[JM318]

When you ask the typical time for isolation for the sufferer, this poll might be helpful: [URL='http...

That’s very good advice, thank you. “I need” is better than the pressure of “we need”. I sent him a text the other night to let him know I’m here still.. not expecting a response and not asking for answers, just a generic “Hey hope you’re doing alright, I just wanted to say goodnight”. I think I’ll give it the weekend and Monday since I have to focus on my nursing exam Monday night, and then reach out after. Typically he isolates for a while but I don’t know the point where he feels safe or less stressed bc we’ve always been broken up. He seems more active than usual on Snapchat but I’m not sure if it’s a mask or he just wants me to know he’s being productive. I’m trying not to think too much into it.

How long can you wait? How long is too long for you? These are questions you need to answer...

I have tried to set boundaries before I left, and told him to send me a text every few days to let me know he’s alright, he said “that’s stupid”... he’s very stubborn. I did let him know that if I’m moving out, I didn’t want to continue with this relationship, it’s been 4 years back and forth. I’d like to be able to skip the breaking up part and work through what is needed to get passed this and not always resort to that; it’s not fair to either of us.

“Too long” for me? We broke up for 6 months and then for 9 the most recent. We’ve been going strong for an entire year and he’s symptomatic again. It was his father’s birthday recently and his death was a huge stressor for him. His dad died when he got discharged from the military and came home.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I have tried to set boundaries before I left, and told him to send me a text every few days to let me know he’s alright, he said “that’s stupid”... he’s very stubborn.

That's your boundry. He can think its stupid all he wants but you dont want to sit there and nail bite for however long wondering if he's laying somewhere dead. So, that's a boundry. If not adhered to, it has a consequence that YOU MUST ALWAYS carry out or the boundry isnt a boundry anymore. Example: I would like to know you are still breathing so I would like a text stating "I'm ok" once a week (or an answer to a text that you write but keep it simple. "You ok?" - "yes") and if you feel that's too stupid for you or is too much for you then fine. I will be moving out next month because I refuse to sit there nail biting worrying to death if you are dead somewhere. You are not telling him what to do. He doesn't have to. That's fine. But you are advising what you will and will not put up with. Weeks or months on end without a word is something you are not willing to put up with. The comsequence does not have to be breaking up but there must always be a consequence if a boundry isn't adhered to and must always be carried out.

Even in my deepest isolation a text "I'm ok" once a week isnt too much for me to do at all.

 

[Sweetpea76]

You may have screwed yourself by leaving the house... needing space is one thing, but if you're living together he cannot expect you to go sleep on a couch at a friend's house every time he feels the like he needs space. Even if you volunteered this time, he may expect you to always clear out now. That's your home too. What happens if you guys have kids, do they have to leave so he can have space too?

I'd say go home when you're ready to go home honestly.

 

[JM318]

You may have screwed yourself by leaving the house... needing space is one thing, but if you're livi...

I just had a talk with my friend and I told her things he has said to me and her words were “that’s abuse, you don’t deserve it”... I’m contemplating on it I should go there and just pack more of what I need and tell him I can’t do this anymore

 

[Friday]

I’m asking how long everyone else handles isolation typically

When I’m in a relationship I’ve usually got caps set at a few days, and a few weeks, and a few months.

The threshold caps are placed at where *I* need to be in touch with them, or I’m done / not willing to live like that.

- A few days = Unplanned

- A few weeks = Planned / go get your head on straight, I’ll be here when you get back (or if I’m robbing the Bank of Hong Kong, I’ll leave a note!)

- A few months = Work. <<< I do NOT like this one, I’m fine with being the one leaving but do not like being the one left behind and waiting. I don’t have the temperament for it. I’ve still done it, so I know I can, but I also know I’ve got some serious limits built into it. <<< Why am I including this one in isolation? Because some of us take on gig-work that keeps the rest of our lives on even keel. It’s time away needed, so I count it.