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If You Didn't Have A Chance To Build A Self Before Complex Trauma

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No, I can't do anything like that I can't connect most of the time. Even thinking of connecting has me at the fridge eating food, I couldn't work out what was going on for a moment. That is why this is a thread for "if you didn't have a chance to build a self before complex trauma". I can't do anything of that stuff. And any time I do it for a few seconds I am flooded with shame and overwhelm, and it can take weeks or months to connect again for a split second. This is why I am so slow.

Fair enough you are just learning to communicate on the Internet, to be honest, every time you talk to someone new, or in a different state, you are learning how to communicate once again.

I have become totally dysregulated, and started eating again, so I am going to go offline, and not come into this thread for awhile. It is great what you are able to do. That is my problem, I can't do that stuff.
 
It is one of my significant problems that I am not sensible enough (or to be fair to myself, not grounded enough) to realise that I need to check in and take care of my body, or be present enough in my body to take care of myself.

I have been so stressed, distressed and in pain these last three weeks, and I have done real physical damage to myself. The teeth on the right side of my jaw are cracked. I feel like I am an extremely stupid person who cannot trust myself.

How can I do things in the world when I am not grounded enough to be present in my own body?
 
Thanks @Fiona for your kind thoughts. I really need to do the work myself. I don't think there is anything that anyone can do for me. I have to do the work myself.

If you want to like a few posts or write some cheering me on posts that would be appreciated. But on the whole, I have to do it myself

Your care, concern, appreciation, and offer of help is much appreciated. I am having a bad moment, so it is genuinely appreciated.
 
So in reply to @Beans & @DharmaGirl

Would you mind making a list of the skills you've built?

Access to a reliable, professional, trauma trained, psychiatrist who is really good with the psychotherapy, and who undergoes continuing education, conferences who is in supervision).

This list of skills is fluid and changes all the time. Sometimes I COULD ONLY DO A FEW OF THESE THINGS REALLY BADLY. I STARTED REALLY SMALL AND BUILT UP OVER MANY YEARS. Sometimes as STAYING ALIVE WAS WHAT IT WAS ABOUT.

I started up doing things sideways, as self care increased suicidal ideation, so I started with 15 minutes Yoga Nidra for Vietnam Veterans (whilst doing satyananda yoga) and that really helped, and for periods of times I could only do very, very, teeny tiny amounts. (This is a rough draft - I will add to this - urls are lots of other books and talks that I have found useful) It is only a snap shot of some of the things that I have tried.

There are many good threads on this forum, and some useful articles as well, though I haven't read many lately.

What I do is not the way of healing/recovery. What I do is what works for me, with painstaking efforts. I have to do work on my issues each day, and most days I do. I am working on changing. I struggle with freeze, fawn, flight and fight every day. I am nowhere near getting my stuff together, but I have improved dramatically. This is an important one to read and reread for me Tips for practice - Self-Compassion

I have written a diary on this forum, and I have worked through a lot of issues within my diary. I also started threads on issues I was focusing on at the time, like my Tapering off medication under medical supervision. I have done a lot of challenges with other members on this forum on the Happiness Challenge by Shawn Archor, Self Esteem, Mindfulness, Self Compassion etc etc etc

Having a few good friends online has helped as well. People who care enough to both challenge and support you. This takes a lot of time to build up.

Having a couple of friends to talk to about your recovery assists as well. This takes a lot of time to build up.

Somethings are repeated to show that there was not much linearity but a lot of circling around.

My biggest issues to manage now, are avoidance, derealisation, depersonalisation, maladaptive daydreaming, and disordered eating. I have begun to feel feelings, and the feelings of vulnerability and shame have seen me just gradually shut down these last three weeks. I also tried to join a community recently, and that has stirred up a lot of stuff as well.

So first I ran away from home to stop my Father from killing everyone in my family.

Then I went to therapy - my first therapists were Process Orientated Psychology, an "alternative therapy" they were very dangerous, exploited me physically, financially, sexually, moved into my house.

Medication - as prescribed by a proper psychiatrist, who really knows their stuff, and is good with the psychotherapy as well, so they don't medicate you to cover a deficit in their skills. I resisted taking medication for a decade or so, that was a bit waste of my life.

Then I went into proper trauma therapy - properly trained and supervised professional who has deep knowledge, who is grounded, solid, and engaged on continuing education.

Moving somewhere that is safer. Then getting rid of the unsafe peole from the more safe place. That took about 5 years.

Trying to learn what being grounded feels like

David Burns Top 10 Distorted Cognitions - his book and his videos - you can see him on his on website and on youtube. (This is a really important book, and you do need to know the 10 distorted cognitions like you know your own mobile phone number).

Self Compassion - I have done challenges on this forum www.selfcompassion.org
Loving Kindness Meditations | Chris Germer (from his website)
Managing chronic pain - The Alexander Technique
Working on not being so reactive around/towards other people (now a lot of it remains internal, but that took a lot of practising)
Looking at schemas

A passionate look in to neoplasticity and neuroscience.

MBSR - done the course 4 times so far - attempted suicide after doing it the first time, it amplified my suicidal ideation, I had to do my own research to work out the ways in which to do it due to my trauma, there is a lot of research out there now. Recently I felt pain in my jaw whilst meditating didn't move and alleviate my pain and cracked my teeth, so it is a challenge to do as well.
Meditation
Mindfulness - started with 5 minutes or 15 minutes per day (at times that has been really helpful for my pain.)
Meditation - walking
Mediation - standing
Meditation - lying
Meditation - sitting
Going to once per month meditation
Going to weekly meditation Mondays - did that for a long time but then swapped over - meditation & social
Meditations on Thursday nights - do for awhile but changed it around.

Retraining as a teacher

DBT books and videos
DBT DBT Self Help
DBT Instant Mindfulness Instant Mindfulness (my favourite is Radical Acceptance, and for awhile that was all I could do - watch Radical Acceptance. Radical Acceptance) Some of these things I could only do a couple of minutes per day.

Breathing - still this a big challenge for me, as I can get triggered easily.

Exercise - every day when I can manage it, slack at the moment due to the early morning cold, nursing a knee injury, low grade depression, and jaw/teeth pain.
The Alexander Techique - that has been really helpful for my pain.
Self care
Different types of Yoga - Satyananda worked best for my body - the bendy, stretchy ones don't work for me.
Exercise Qi Gong - quit in the end due to knee pain
Exercise swimming - lots of ear infections so stopped
Exercise - walking three morning per week with a walking group - social & exercuse combined
Tai Chi - quit in the end due to knee pain
Physiotherapy
Pilates

Working on social connectedness
Practising being social with people- trivia, briefly tennis, activism, art, saving the planet, assisting the homeless, doing food rescue
Regulary choosing a group to belong to for a period of time and then going to that/those groups and practising be social with people.
Working on social connectedness
Caring for my reactive attachment disorder
Addressing the reaactive attachemnt disorder again
So currently I am feeling very disconnected and lost, I was feeling distraught, and so powerfully lonely yesterday. I was trying Self Compassion Breaks,and Loving Kindness but I got so triggered yesterday. I got really triggered around not belonging yesterday at meditation as well. I am not having a good time of it. And I don't feel I belong here either, so my reactive attachment disorder is big. When a member got banned from here her friends had a go about that in what seemed to be each of my open threads at that time, and the mods were all over it, they all disappeared, but something happened the other day which was a tiny little passive agressive thing, liking a post having to do with these people that I wrote on a profile last year, and I shouldn't get upset about it, but I did go and just ignore all the people involved, and I will continue to just keep putting people on ignore until it doesn't happen anymore.

Addressing my disordered eating - in therapy,
Joining Weight Watchers
Just started Episode 1: Introducing the Brain over Binge Podcast: A Simple Plan to Stop Binge Eating | Brain over Binge
http://brainoverbinge.com/episode-2-cause-binge-eating-urges-binge/
http://brainoverbinge.com/episode-3-lower-higher-brain/

Trying to learn what being grounded feels like

Reading (a huge range of books, websites, videos, research papers, etc etc)
David Burns Feeling Good | The website of David D. Burns, MD You owe it to yourself to Feel Good!
The Mindful Way through Depression Freeing Yourself from Chronic Unhappiness By J. Mark G. Williams, John Teasdale, Zindel V. Segal, Jon Kabat-Zinn
is an audiobook I have listened to 100s of times.
The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma
by Bessel van der Kolk
Laurence Heller - Healing Developmental Trauma: How Early Trauma Affects Self-Regulation, Self-Image, and the Capacity for Relationship
Healing Developmental Trauma
Tara Brachman, loads of her videos on youtube and her own website www.tarabrach.com
Tara Brach on the RAIN of Self-Compassion
Tara Brach: Awakening Our Body's Awareness - Part 1
Tara Brach: Awakening Our Body's Awareness - Part 2
Learning to Respond Not React - Tara Brach
Healing Trauma: The Light Shines Through the Broken Places with Tara Brach

Kristin Neff, by Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself Self-Compassion Exercises by Dr. Kristin Neff
Germer, C. K. (2009). The mindful path to self-compassion: Freeing yourself from destructive thoughts and emotions.New York: Guilford Press.

❤️❤️❤️‍ Loving kindness meditation for kids ❤️❤️❤️

Watching Youtube videos on mindfulness, meditation, boundaries, loving kindness, self compassion, David Burns, Kristin Neff, Tara Brach, neuroscience, trauma informed treatment, trauma, Laurence Heller, relaxation,

Trying to learn what being grounded feels like

The self is still where I feel most stuck and I find it difficult to build a life for myself when I don't really have a sense of self still lol. I feel just as empty now that I'm working and around people as before cause at my core I feel empty and am not enjoying things. Just looking at others trying to feign a normal life instead of creating a life that is an expression of who i am. Sigh. Idk. It's all rather confusing. I'm building up a life around a shell of a person, kinda like before.

This is not easy @Beans. I do relate. It is incremental changes over a long period of time, from my perspective. David Burns Top Ten Distorted Cognitions then Kristin Neff Self Compassion, Chris Germer Loving Kindness, and then... wash, rinse, repeat, wash, rinse, repeat. The Mindful Way Through Depression is an audiobook I have listened to 100s of times. I will think on this more.

And I am always looking for new resources: one I found recently is
Jon Kabat-Zinn, PhD – Mindfulness Meditation for Pain Relief (Audio Excerpt)
Sharon Salzberg: www.sharonsalzberg.com
Acceptance and commitment therapy: Dead Link Removed
Befriending Ourselves - Home
Jim Hopper, Ph.D. | Mindfulness & Meditation
Acceptance and Commitment Therapy
REBT

Trying to manage, and slowly dismantle my maladaptive daydreaming which is how I keep myself up in that high arousal, and my amygdala activated.
 
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I understand. I, as you can see, started at the beginning and I honestly can say I understand the frustration of reaching out in attempts at finding maybe someone else really, really gets to what you are talking about. I reach out in hopes of understanding or you know, I don’t know what, because I’ve tried or maybe I haven’t, to find connection with another human but I keep finding out that no, no one can understand no matter what so I withdraw. Why do I do this to myself? The fact is that I’m 43 years old and I’ve never had a past, present or future. I don’t exist and I never have and I never will and I’m actively not doing anything to change it. Am I or have I given up? No. What is there to give up on? I know this is certainly the opposite of what is expected but maybe I needed to check in to find you to say hey, I get you and care and shed tears that needed to finally find their way out. Thank you for giving me the gift of responding.
 
It is a hard thing to discuss @Fionas74.

This might or might resonate with you, but at a dark time I found this comforting. Radical Acceptance What I have done doesn't necessarily work for you, or for anyone else.

But I really get someone actually understanding part of your own journey, and how much of a relief that is.
 
I just found the Brain Over Binge podcast through finding podcast with Irene Lyon on YouTube! I get yo...
I sounded like a complete dork. I’m sorry about that. I have this pure excitement that just pours out about the simplistic things. I’m signing off. I get addicted to things easily and this site is one of them so I step away to replace it with another. You take care of you.
 
In some ways I feel less in touch with myself than I perceive others to be. I don't remember much about my childhood. There are many reasons for this and without memories my sense of self is limited. I do not remember teachers names or even much about where I lived growing up. My mother moved us constantly and I used to have nightmares that I would leave school and go home to the wrong house .I feel different as many people speak about childhood memories, the secret questions asked to identify yourself on sites if you forget your password are a nightmare for me. I never know how to answer most of the questions.

That being said what I do know about me is mine. I have come to believe in my values as genuine and my ability to love. My sense of self is mine to make.

I'm sorry for what both of you have been through
 
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