If You Didn't Have A Chance To Build A Self Before Complex Trauma

[DharmaGirl]

Hugs.

 

[ms spock]

I have never really had ongoing positive reflection from say a parent, so I wish I could understand how other people see me, because what I see is very poor indeed.

I could almost do a thread on this.

 

[ms spock]

I need to reread this one and really go through it once again. I am kind of selfed up now. I feel very angry, but I am much more here. I have something to draw on now. I am not as dissociated, derealised, depersonalised or as involved in maladaptive day dreaming.

 

[ms spock]

I have built a self now. It took a long time and a huge amount of work, but I have done this now. There is a lot of fine tuning to be done, but I am well on my way!

 

[ms spock]

I have a self/selves now. It is pretty new and a bit scared but I am here now.

 

[hithere]

way to go!

 

[ms spock]

It's phenomenal. It has been a lot of really, really, really hard, slow, painstaking work to arrive here! And finally I have arrived!

 

[ms spock]

I am now a person with selves and a way of navigating life!

 

[ms spock]

I am now building a self a warm home to come back to inside myself.

 

[mumstheword]

That's so fantastic and well done @Spotted Pardalote!!!
I am in a similar process.:-) .

 

[ms spock]

So the a challenge to the distorted cognitive thoughts that I have had that keeps me stuck is "I am not hopeless or helpless. I can make decisions. I can manage day to day life"

 

[ms spock]

As I didn't get a chance to build a self before my trauma there are some basic unlearnings to do like my relationship with food, and my relationship of having a relationship with my body through major amounts of dissociation of some form. And with my mind having a massive ruminations going on in my head or maladaptive daydreaming constantly on the go. I get moments between this stuff now, which is a huge improvement for me.

It's pretty full on at the moment. It's shocking to become aware how much I am criticising myself, panning myself out and generally harassing and judging myself harshly that I do. I am so full on in a negative way towards myself. I can see a bit more why so many people say "You are so hard on yourself" or "You are giving yourself such a hard time"! At least now I can dispute my thoughts, suicidal ideation used to arise when I strayed into this area, it's buzzing around the edge, but manageable. I can do this. I am no longer helpless and hopeless around this stuff. It has taken so long to build up to this point, so I really need to focus on this as a success of awareness. This is a great success that I finally have such awareness.

I am however going straight to cruelty with myself - I am now saying to myself - "Why didn't I do this sooner"? I couldn't do it sooner because I didn't get here - because of all the trauma - because it has taken so long to build my skills up to this point. I have so much dissociation from the initial trauma and then the retraumatisation. I am being unreasonable with myself. I am totally unreasonable and harsh with myself. It's ridiculous all the stuff attached to that. None of that stuff was my fault.

"I'm feeling a lot of anxiety today, which is good because it means I am actually in my body. I am feeling feelings."
1. I am not numbing out with food.
2. I am not binge watching TV.
3. I am not engaging in maladaptive daydreaming.
4. I am not dissociated as much.
5. I am not depersonalised as much.
6. I am not derealised as much.
7. I am not compulsively talking and blocking contact with other people.
8. I am not compulsively thinking to block contact with this now and other people.
9. I am not emotionally attacking myself to distract myself from feelings in my body.
10. I am not dissecting every interaction that I have with other people to put myself down and make myself down.
11. I am not composing posts for this forum to distance myself from the situation.