Do you wish you didn't have a body?

[Ecdysis]

I ignore my body as much as humanly possible.

Ever since childhood, I've often wished that I didn't have a body... If there was some magical trick to do that, I'd do it...

I avoid as many physical sensations as possible.

It doesn't seem healthy tho and the follow-on effects are starting to create health issues for me, so I think I'm going to have to try and change it. Don't know how tho.

 

[Sideways]

I really relate!! Here’s the thing, though:

I avoid as many physical sensations as possible.

Physical sensations are a really helpful source of information.
Do I need to eat more? Do I need to eat less?
Is this bed going to give me a sore back in the morning?
Have I jogged too far, or should I keep going?
And on, and on, and on…

Plus:

I've often wished that I didn't have a body.

One of my therapy tasks was to make a list of 20 great things that my body allows me to do. Things like:
Walk a bush track
Soak in a tub
Eat crumpets with jam
Stretch
Play with my dog
Wash my face
Know what good quality, freshly washed cotton bed sheets feel like

The list could easily expand to way more than 20 very quickly.

There were 3 other things that helped me a crapload in building a brand new relationship with my body (which is what I needed to do - build a new relationship with it, like it was a curious, intimidating but wildly misunderstood stranger). I needed to very deliberately do things, build things into my day, that my body liked doing - that my body was great at doing, or could learn to be great at doing.

The second thing was practice being mindful about my body and how it was feeling. This is still a work in progress. After decades of being completely switched off to my body and what it’s feeling, I need to do things like make a point of stopping throughout the day to check in with my body, how it’s feeling and if I need to do something differently (like take a 5 minute walk away from the desk, or have the lunch that I forgot to stop for yet again!).

The third thing that was helpful has been yoga. Trauma-informed yoga is amazing. van der Kolk has done a lot of work in this particular space - yoga can not just help reset your autonomic nervous system (think: empty out your stress cup, or get your brain out of fight/flight mode), but it can also help people relearn how to be in their body safely. Which can be a foreign concept for someone who has experienced a lot of physical or sexual excuse.

I’ll stop writing, but, TLDR: oh yeah! Relearning the body is totally my bag!!!

 

[Movingforward10]

2nd person here for relearning the body. And yep, wanted to escape my body for the longest time. My T helped with reminding me that we’re only alive because we have our bodies. And, like @Sideways says, all the wonderful things our bodies allow us to do.

It is a hard journey.
I had to also work on various body parts. Getting to like/love them and not hate/blame them. And also see them as mine and not my mum’s. Had to reclaim my body.

It’s hard, but doable.

I found breathing hard. But stroking my arm helped as a starter.

 

[arfie]

wish it? never, but i have dissociated far enough that i felt like i didn't have a body breaking that psychosis was pure hell.

i often wish i could pick and choose my physical needs. for example, eating. it's a messy habit, both coming and going. the coming part is mighty expensive, to boot. alas, there's what i wish for and there is what i get.

i will theorate that making this post is a solid step away from that path to self-destruction. when the awareness grows, the solutions will follow. steadying support while you find you way.

 

[OM_™]

It doesn't seem healthy tho and the follow-on effects are starting to create health issues for me, so I think I'm going to have to try and change it. Don't know how tho.

Moving is good. I’m at the gym right now. I don’t like the things that were done to my body and I don’t like the things my body has done. Gym activity is sorta mindless but that’s what makes it so good. It’s probably my mind that’s a bigger problem than my body. Telling my mind to shut the f*ck up and get my body moving is a great start.

 

[Susan Jane]

Shame has created this for me as well. I have not been kind to my body. I always wondered why I despise my body?How do I learn it to like it ? How do I look at myself without feeling bad? Why do I not listen to it? I think for me it is that I blamed myself for the things that happened, so I was very unkind to myself. I started small recently, I made a commitment to put cream on my feet, every time I shower. I normally don’t care and just go get a pedicure when I can afford it. I decided this small act of kindness might start a trend… and I listen to it when I am tired..let is see.

 

[Rose White]

I used to have that but I don’t anymore. Completely understandable. I like the description of “relearning the body”.

 

[osiris]

I’m in the wishing I didn’t have body camp - really struggle with it and totally misread signs from it based on years of trying to ignore it. That’s a problem when things end up worse because I ignored or didn’t understand so all of the stuff from @Sideways is super helpful.

 

[parrotthepolly]

That would be impossible and make no sense, anyone who wants to must have just been overthinking and can't seriously want it permanently. How would that even work?

However I do want to crawl out of my skin and not be aware of the prison I'm in, well just not know the fact I have flesh occasionally. Sometimes I hate the sensation of something uncomfortably soft with a passion after everything that happened. (Must be another reason my brain keeps my muscles tense) And have thought this as a concept but how would anything work, it goes against existing? Do you stay a ghost or soul cause they only communicate through electromagnetic waves and I can guarantee humans won't understand anything.

I have never even had an "out of body experience" even with depersonalization. Well did when I couldn't move but that wouldn't be convenient. Know how it feels to be on autopilot at most but still feel every sensation and know it is from this body. Nothing really works to numb physical sensations even with the strongest drugs, can still feel pressure, temperature and fluid against skin and that's horrifying.

If all feeling goes away, it wouldn't detect danger at all so brings it back to the fact it makes no sense.
Guess I'm stuck here for longer than I'm comfortable. On the days I'm not comfortable in this body I know I can't even be a good person, at least it keeps people away from me. Not sure how it evolved to be so resilient tho, it's got some fascinating techniques to keep it alive eg the reflex to claw at whatever is trying to chock you. Death is the only way through this really, doesn't happen that easily tho, even gunshots have 80% "success" rate.

 

[brokenpony]

yes i was honestly going to make a post about my “body” problem and saw this at the top. tactile comforts like cuddles with my cat are not enough at this pt. i have this deep sense of abjection like i need to throw up my insides, like my entire insides, and clean the walls and start over.

 

[Roland]

I remember being a little kid and trying to explain disassociation symptoms to my mom. I asked her why she said she had never felt that way.

Dance and exercise have helped me ground myself and be more connected to my body.

But yes I often used to wish I didn't have a body.

 

[Ecdysis]

I think I'm beginning to get some insight into this... My childhood trauma started so early, that I started to dissociate even before I'd developed a relationship to my body. So I've never felt like I have a body and the idea of having a body doesn't even make sense to me.

That gives me a place to start working on it with a physical therapist and exercises I can do at home.