Relationship Waiting?

[Veevivianvee]

How long did you wait? If you waited at all.
I'm doing my best to get on with my life, even working on starting my business again. Trying to think about only ME and not WE , just seems like the hardest thing these days. The thought of him not coming back occurred to me today and it hit me hard.I know we fought before he isolated, wasnt a huge fight but we had a heated text conversation. I keep thinking about the conversation..i don't regret it. The timing sure, but not the conversation itself. As at the time i felt like i was standing up for myself. Life keeps telling me he just isn't coming back .did any of you feel that way? Did you end up being right or wrong?

 

[Sweetpea76]

There's no good answer for how long... it could be a few hours or it could be forever. You have to decide how long you're willing to sit around and wait. How long can you go no-contact and still consider yourself in a relationship?

Some people can wait forever. Some cannot. It's all very individual. I personally am not willing to sit around for more than a few weeks wondering if I'm single or not... and we've been together years. If he can't even handle letting me know what's going on, and he just f*cks off with no word for two weeks, then he is not holding up his end of the deal here. I'm not living my life in a holding pattern, and I'm not going to stay in a relationship like that. He usually only goes quiet for a day or two, but he still lets me know he's alive during that time. I can respect his need for space, but he has to respect my feelings as well if this relationship is going to work. That's my boundary. If he pulls a disappearing act with no word for an extended period of time, then I'm not willing to stay in this relationship.

Now if he wants to f*ck off for an extended period of time and tells me what's going on it's another story.

 

[JM318]

How long did you wait? If you waited at all.
I'm doing my best to get on with my life, even workin...

Mine has broken up and came back 3 times. The first was 3 weeks, then 6 months, then 9 months. We just broke up again and I’m moving out, and I’m not allowing him to come back this time. I’ve had enough.

 

[Veevivianvee]

There's no good answer for how long... it could be a few hours or it could be forever. You have to d...

How did you let him know these were your boundaries? Did he immediately respect them or was it hard to do at first?

I initially asked for a break ,i always do when it seems like things won't be good for him. I wanted to give him some time for memorial day. I will admit memorial day is not something i observed before, not many Americans actually know what these kind of holidays are for and that honestly pisses me off now that I do.... Ever since i was a child ohh its bbq time ! f*cking twisted society bs...once i got older I stopped participating in stuff like that all together as i am pretty anti social and stopped wanting to participate. So on my calendar and just goes by as a normal day.Now that i know how it affects people and what the day is truly about it will never be a normal calendar day for me.i also asked for a break because i didnt want him to feel like he had to choose between me and his friends ..so i made it clear i can see him the week after . I apologized for my lashing out and explained that i needed to focus on getting rid of the resentment i had been building as it was causing me to be unhappy in our relationship and I wanted to take the time to get myself together and try and understand things from his point of view more. I felt i wasn't on the same playing field as his friends and did not want to compete with them as it isn't fair to anyone in the relationship. I asked him to come get his belongings ..but i never asked for mine..i thought he might want his belongings one for comfort as it is something he always uses for comfort and i figured he might have a difficult time without it..not because I was breaking up with him and i wanted to make that clear but he had already isolated me..
I also didn't give him a hug when i dropped him off mainly because i would have wanted to stay and didn't want to upset him by flip flopping my decisions. Im sure this hurt him but i never got to explain

 

[Veevivianvee]

Mine has broken up and came back 3 times. The first was 3 weeks, then 6 months, then 9 months. We just br...

Jm I'm sorry to hear that! Thats one thing no one needs is someone bouncing in and out like that . I read one of your post. I hope things will get better for you and that you pass or passed your test!

 

[JM318]

Jm I'm sorry to hear that! Thats one thing no one needs is someone bouncing in and out like that ....

Thank you for the support, I need it more than ever. I exceeded my own expectations and passed with a 90%! I was shooting for 80 or better :)

 

[Veevivianvee]

Thank you for the support, I need it more than ever. I exceeded my own expectations and passed with a 90%...

Yay!!! Congratulations dear !!! I'm so happy to hear that..lol well in this case read that :)

 

[master z]

Best advice I can give. You will have feelings of guilt, anger and hope. Don't get over your sufferer, but let your emotions free and detach your emotions from the situation.

I can't " move on" because I have a lot of anger about my situation. Until I can detach my anger from the situation I am going to be hopeful that things will change.

 

[JM318]

Best advice I can give. You will have feelings of guilt, anger and hope. Don't get over your sufferer,...

Awesome advice actually

 

[Veevivianvee]

Best advice I can give. You will have feelings of guilt, anger and hope. Don't get over your sufferer,...

Lol! This is great advice!
Unfortunately i feel like i go through those emotions every hour of the day. One minute, i feel guilty , sad, and then out of no where im angry as hell. I hope I can remove myself from the situation, i feel trapped by my own emotions more than anything else.

 

[WTF Happened]

I can't " move on" because I have a lot of anger about my situation. Until I can detach my anger from the situation I am going to be hopeful that things will change.

Keep us posted on your progress with detaching from your anger... I'm nearly a year and a half into the breakup and healing, have moved on with my life, made myself stronger, took hold of my career, etc, but the anger is the one emotion that seems stuck. Therapy, meditation, all those things have been a huge help, but it feels like the anger is almost baked into my body. I guess that's a result of the trauma of the sudden disappearing act/personality change/emotional numbing I witnessed (and no closure/explanation/signs of remorse since). I guess it may give us a hint of what our sufferers, past or present, deal with as well.