Relationship I need advice

[marlae]

I am deeply in love with a suffer of PTSD. We’ve had an off and on relationship for the past 4 years. In the last couple years we’ve been able to say ‘I love you’ and really mean it to each other. This last week we’ve gotten back in touch via social media and messaging and he is able to tell me how he feels about me and I about him. He asked me to go camping this weekend and as the day got closer he stopped responding (a usual response over the years when it comes to making plans to actually see each other). I haven’t heard from him in 3 days (again typical) but I don’t know how to best handle it. I sent him a note this morning reassuring him that I’ll always be here and I love him but it’s so difficult when I get nothing in return when only 5 days ago he was telling me ‘I’m the one’. Does anyone have any advice? Do I continue to send him messages that reassure him or just give him space? Thank you for the help!

 

[DFT1]

Full disclosure: my sufferer is currently in a 'push' state. Having said that...

I dont think any of us can tell you the best course of action. Sometimes they want us to persue, other times they need space and isolation. If he cant tell you which one he needs then you are going to spend a life time going bat-s**r crazy trying to guess which one it is.

I've been in a 20+ year relationship with one of the ones that refuses to tell what they need. It will end up making you have a break down always trying to guess, because when you guess wrong things go haywire.

Ask him. If he tells you he needs space then give him space. If he refuses to respond then that means he needs space.

It sucks, but in my experience, thats just the way it is.

 

[Skywatcher]

I have ptsd and don’t understand why you put up with that. I have been very hurt by fellow ptsd support friends that disappear for awhile. I get it that we all need space and time, but I honestly believe that you deserve respect. You deserve better. If you want it to work, I think you may want to be in therapy for some guidance on supporting your needs and his boundaries, learn what is needed isolation and what is just being a selfish asshole.

 

[Teasel]

I really feel for you, I know how painful it is to want to be with someone ever so much despite them repeatedly letting you down and hurting you.

I don't think reassuring him is a healthy way to reapond to someone blanking you after having given you the idea your relationship was back on and that he loved you.

and as the day got closer he stopped responding (a usual response over the years when it comes to making plans to actually see each other).

Do you mean that you rarely see him? Is the relationship mostly just messaging?

 

[marlae]

I really feel for you, I know how painful it is to want to be with someone ever so much despite them r...

Yeah, every time we talk about scheduling a time to meet he ghosts. But I don’t think showing up at his house and forcing him to see me is productive either. I tried to reach out to his mom and sister a few months ago but they both ignored me.

 

[Teasel]

But I don’t think showing up at his house and forcing him to see me is productive either.

For sure. The healthy thing to do would probably be to stop seeing him and move on but it sounds like you really don't want to do that?

 

[marlae]

For sure. The healthy thing to do would probably be to stop seeing him and move on but it sounds like...

I agree but I’ve been trying for 4 years and we still end up drawn to each other. I am able to see both sides; I see my emotional health with him and his emotional health without me and neither one is promising which is why I came seeking advice.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Have you ever been able to meet face to face?

 

[marlae]

Have you ever been able to meet face to face?

Yes, it’s been about a year since I’ve seen him last though. Lots of chemistry between us when we do see each other.

 

[Sweetpea76]

It could be that the face to face stuff fills up his stress cup. Relationships are stress... even good ones. He may have every intention of meeting up, and then just geeks himself out about it when the day approaches.

I think now would be the time to ask yourself what you want out of the relationship. Can you be happy with long distance and not a lot of face time if that is all he can manage? What are your needs in a relationship?

There is not going to be a "right thing" you can do to fix the situation. You could do everything perfect, have the patience of a saint, and be the most accommodating supporter that ever supported. It won't make him stress any less about the relationship and/or spending more time together. That's all stuff that's brewing in his noggin, so he has to be the one who works on that.

That's what sucks about being a supporter. We have zero control. We're just along for the ride.

The only person you can control is yourself... hence the questions. What do you want? What is going to make you happy? Are you going to be fulfilled with what you have right now? They're questions all supporters have to ask themselves. If you are happy with the relationship, then I would just ask him... "is meeting up too much right now? If so, we can table it until later. If not, what would make you the most comfortable?"

 

[Mytime]

Sorry, I mean no disrespect. Are you 100% sure he’s not in a relationship?

 

[marlae]

Sorry, I mean no disrespect. Are you 100% sure he’s not in a relationship?

100% positive