Still Upper Lip - How could YOU need therapy?

[Altair]

I started seeing a psychiatrist a couple weeks back. I've been in a relationship with my PTSD/BPD sufferer for over a year now and we've recently become engaged. I really love her and the stress of being a few thousand miles away while we wait on the (incredibly slow) US govt to approve our fiancee visa is a constant part of my life. When she is stressed, which happens often, she knows I'll listen without judgement for as long as she needs to vent. Even though she wants to offer the same open ear, she doesn't have a large enough cup to handle my stress AND her own. That is something I accept and it doesn't upset me.

However, I cannot deny that being a supporter for her and often finding that nothing I say will help is having an impact on my outlook, mood and emotional stability. Because of this, I decided to see a shrink and talk through my own feelings as well as learn more about how to best support her. I didn't expect it, but she's offput by my therapy. Any time she speaks about it, it's either "I don't understand" "We handle that differently where I'm from, we don't see a shrink when there's nothing wrong with us" or "Well some of us don't have the benefit of seeing a psychiatrist whenever we're stressed" (Despite making it clear she doesn't want to see someone and talk about her feelings because "that never helps.") She does admit that "As long as it helps I guess it's ok" but I honestly don't know how to handle some of her responses... aside from basically not engaging her in that conversation and simply reiterating that I'm doing it because I want to be the best version of myself, the best partner I can be and that I don't ever want to take anything out on her.

Has anyone else run into similiar behavior from their sufferer, and if so, how did you handle it? Any advice is appreciated!

 

[Sweetpea76]

Does she give you a say in how she treats her mental health issues?

 

[Never_falter2]

Where she from? I am from Europe and here it is really unusual for people who do not have any kind of condition (such as ptsd) to see a shrink. Also many people who have a condition or have been trough trauma still choose not to see a shrink.
I think it has both advantages and disadvantages.

Also I do think in many European countries a lot of people have different gender roles in which the men are expected to be tougher which often includes not seeing a shrink. Again it has advantages and disadvantages.
She is coming to your country, so she should accept you are doing it as the Americans do. I would tell her that this is how it is done where you are from.

I am not sure if that works for her. I do not even know where she is from, but I am from a subculture where the women are appreciated and put on a pedestrial but the man (and his family) has the lead. We say the woman “marries out“ of her family and “marries in“ into another meaning that in the long run she accepts how things are done in this family. (Theoretically we say the man makes the important decisions, the woman makes the less important ones, he still wonders how many decisions in our life classify as not important now) My vets family is quite complicated but in the long run in most cases I accept how they do think.

So what I want to say: Worldwide there are far more cultures and subcultures where it works like this... and she comes to your country, she wants to be a part of your culture. She should accept your lead.

I understand that may not make any sense to you but depending on what culture or subculture she is from it might make sense to her if you tell her like this.

I hope I did not made a fool out of me for writing this but I thought it might be helpful because I think a lot of people tick different then people in the anglosphere. (Hope that does not feed into stereotypes of us being bossed around, we are not bossed around we choose to follow the lead)

 

[Hojay]

Does it sound familiar that there’s only allowed to be one victim in the relationship? Yeah, sometimes. When my guy is symptomatic he doesn’t comprehend how I could be suffering too. When he’s not symptomatic? He would never downplay my pain or judge my decisions in handling my own stuff. That’s just plain unsupportive, rude, invalidating, and shortsighted. Could it be she’s threatened by your willingness and attempt to grow? Is it possible she’s afraid you’ll learn to set even better boundaries and perhaps outgrow her?

 

[EveHarrington]

She sounds like a sinking ship who won’t even let you have your own life preserver.

It’s fine if she suffers and you can deal with the fact that she won’t even help herself.

But criticizing you? Making you feel guilty for helping yourself? No, just no.

Are you SURE you want to spend the rest of your life with an untreated ptsd sufferer who guilts you for taking care of your own health?

Have you spent a considerable amount of time (MONTHS ON END) living with her?

I hope you don’t end up like everyone on 90 day fiancé.

 

[Altair]

It's nice to know that feeling like you aren't allowed to have a problem or need help isn't unique... I think it's nice to know that anyways... maybe it just helps me feel less alone in the situation. She certainly hasn't flipped out about it, it's just that she really seems confused by it. She herself (British btw) said "Maybe it's just a cultural thing." And the shrink said the same thing unprompted -- "Sounds like a cultural thing." I'd personally rather sit on a couch than drown in a pint at the pub but that's just me :)

Thanks for your responses!

 

[Altair]

Does she give you a say in how she treats her mental health issues?

It's something we discuss and, when she's calm about it, she's open to going to therapy with a helper (me). When she's overly stressed or negative, therapy is like asking my cat to go swimming.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Altair, my point was that you don't get a say in how she seeks treatment, and in turn you don't have to let her dictate whether or not you see a therapist as well.

 

[Altair]

Altair, my point was that you don't get a say in how she seeks treatment, and in turn you don't have to let her dictate whether or not you see a therapist as well.

Very true.

 

[grit]

I think (think not feel I suppose) in order for a relationship to survive the team must want each to be as healthy as possible.

Since you both starting on deficit, I hope you both seek professional help so you are motivated and can motivate each other to become healtheir in your own way.

What might not be acceptable for humans to endure for a long time is the prevention of health. If she continues to berate you for your seeking better health, I just do not see how that will work when you are in her vicinity day in and day out.

It is human condition (basic like drinking water) to want to be healthier.