desiderata310
VIP Member
I’ve been trying to figure out where to go with this and how to write it, and well, where to put it- either on the board or in my diary- for a week or so. It all started with a conversation I had with a friend not long ago. But as it’s a theme that keeps coming back up in big and small ways in my life, I figured I should give it some attention.
Risk.
Or rather aversion to risk.
And for me, what PTSD has done to my willingness to take risks or if it’s because of PTSD that I take the ones that I take and why I am unwilling or unable to take risks in certain areas of my life.
And in writing this it almost feels braggadocios which really isn’t the point- which is probably why I’ve considered sticking it in my diary instead of on the forum at large.
Hell I’m not even sure where to start with examples.
One good example:
The other day I was listening to the CEO talk to a secretary about the secretary’s weekend. The secretary had gone kayaking in a local bay I know well and used to swim in often. The secretary talked about how scared she was of the seals. The CEO confirmed that this was incredibly scary and that she would NEVER consider kayaking because of how terrifying it would be.
I was sitting two desks away listening to this conversation thinking about how many times I’d been followed by seals which I was swimming and gone to lengths to scare them off- because they were a nuisance. I thought about speaking up and offering to go with the CEO to show her that there was nothing to be afraid of.
I realized that this would not be welcomed.
Later that week we had a meeting that I was supposed to be co-running with someone else. I found it difficult to figure out how to lead this conversation and wound up giving my leadership to someone else. The CEO was in the meeting and she took it upon herself to walk over everything I WAS saying. I found myself almost unable to speak because of my anxiety.
There are so many examples I could come up with.
Me moving back and forth across the country is was a huge risk- especially this last time but it felt less risky than walking in the grocery store without Charlie.
Riding like a maniac through the downtown streets of Philly at night feels safer than walking down the quiet street next to my therapist's office.
People I consider brave, like my son’s friend who recently LEGALLY changed her gender told me she was scared to ride a bike in the small city she was living in.
I suppose we all have our “thing” that we are most confident in doing but I have found that there is a great swath of things that I love to do that many people would look at and find them to be too ‘high risk’ for them to even consider doing. For me being close to someone is terrifying. But going out on a run on a hot day with too little water on a trail I’ve never been on seems well, just normal. Or swimming in open water, cycling in heavy traffic, traveling long distances alone. That’s not to say that I’m not aware of the possible dangers- just that they don’t act as any sort of deterrent.
Don’t laugh (or ok, laugh, I do sometimes) but there are several moments in Kimmie Schmidt that speak so close to me and my truth. One of them is when she looks at Titus and points out that the worst thing that ever happened to her, happened in her own front yard.
Maybe that- that feeling right there- the worst things that have ever happened, happened in the places that should have been safe- maybe that’s why I’ve become something of an adrenaline junkie? Is that just an excuse I tell myself to justify it? Is it a way to distract from what really scares me?
Risk.
Or rather aversion to risk.
And for me, what PTSD has done to my willingness to take risks or if it’s because of PTSD that I take the ones that I take and why I am unwilling or unable to take risks in certain areas of my life.
And in writing this it almost feels braggadocios which really isn’t the point- which is probably why I’ve considered sticking it in my diary instead of on the forum at large.
Hell I’m not even sure where to start with examples.
One good example:
The other day I was listening to the CEO talk to a secretary about the secretary’s weekend. The secretary had gone kayaking in a local bay I know well and used to swim in often. The secretary talked about how scared she was of the seals. The CEO confirmed that this was incredibly scary and that she would NEVER consider kayaking because of how terrifying it would be.
I was sitting two desks away listening to this conversation thinking about how many times I’d been followed by seals which I was swimming and gone to lengths to scare them off- because they were a nuisance. I thought about speaking up and offering to go with the CEO to show her that there was nothing to be afraid of.
I realized that this would not be welcomed.
Later that week we had a meeting that I was supposed to be co-running with someone else. I found it difficult to figure out how to lead this conversation and wound up giving my leadership to someone else. The CEO was in the meeting and she took it upon herself to walk over everything I WAS saying. I found myself almost unable to speak because of my anxiety.
There are so many examples I could come up with.
Me moving back and forth across the country is was a huge risk- especially this last time but it felt less risky than walking in the grocery store without Charlie.
Riding like a maniac through the downtown streets of Philly at night feels safer than walking down the quiet street next to my therapist's office.
People I consider brave, like my son’s friend who recently LEGALLY changed her gender told me she was scared to ride a bike in the small city she was living in.
I suppose we all have our “thing” that we are most confident in doing but I have found that there is a great swath of things that I love to do that many people would look at and find them to be too ‘high risk’ for them to even consider doing. For me being close to someone is terrifying. But going out on a run on a hot day with too little water on a trail I’ve never been on seems well, just normal. Or swimming in open water, cycling in heavy traffic, traveling long distances alone. That’s not to say that I’m not aware of the possible dangers- just that they don’t act as any sort of deterrent.
Don’t laugh (or ok, laugh, I do sometimes) but there are several moments in Kimmie Schmidt that speak so close to me and my truth. One of them is when she looks at Titus and points out that the worst thing that ever happened to her, happened in her own front yard.
Maybe that- that feeling right there- the worst things that have ever happened, happened in the places that should have been safe- maybe that’s why I’ve become something of an adrenaline junkie? Is that just an excuse I tell myself to justify it? Is it a way to distract from what really scares me?
