Dread

[whiteraven]

I've been home all day, working, and I just noticed that the green light is not showing on one of my smoke detectors. I have another one the same and the guys who looked at it told me not to worry (this was a long while ago).

Since then, I have had this intense sense of dread and anxiety. Near tears. It seems that whenever something breaks here, or there is some sort of problem, I get very panicky and my depression worsens. It's paralyzing. Sometimes it leads to suicidal thinking. I get overwhelmed so quickly.

 

[MrMoonlight]

I'm so sorry you are being crushed under the weight of this stuff, I know how overwhelming it can be. Right now tell yourself that you are safe and breathe from the belly.

The green light is typically an indication of a properly powered and operational smoke detector. Could you do a simple test tomorrow by safely putting smoke under the detector? If it's not working do you have someone in your life that could assist?

 

[whiteraven]

Thank you. I appreciate the support.

Could you do a simple test tomorrow by safely putting smoke under the detector? If it's not working do you have someone in your life that could assist?

Maybe tomorrow, but no. There is no one.

The one that has been off for over a year still works when I test it with the button. I read that no green light has something to do with the electricity to the detector? All of them have batteries.

I think there are a couple of things at work here. Whenever something breaks or doesn't work properly, I worry about how I'm going to pay for it. If I can't (and I likely won't be able to), I run the risk - depending on what it is - of losing my place. That's probably unlikely, but I'll for sure end up living with a lot less than I have (and that isn't much). It's dumb to worry about, really, but I don't know how to get past the anxiety.

There's also this not wanting to draw attention to myself. Being afraid that a malfunctioning smoke detector will wake people or will cause them to...blame me? I don't know. But that is very strong and it's been something I've dealt with for as long as I can remember. Don't make too much noise.

Another thing is that when I was 16 there was a huge fire (2nd largest in the nation at that time) just a block or so from me in a nightclub. Just under 200 people were killed. I can't hear sirens without thinking about it. I have to count people in a restaurant to make sure there aren't too many. I fight tooth and nail when someone at work violates the fire code. Black garbage bags...oh gods. They used them in transport to the makeshift morgue.