Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

[littleoc]

Did I mention I’m going to my twin brothers and his wife’s apartment for dinner? I haven’t seen their apartment yet.

I’m still very unsure about it because I can’t bring my service dog, the wife might want me to be less alive, and she seems to think I’m a bad influence because I’m gay but she hasn’t said it directly to my face. But she has said she “can’t wait to go through your wardrobe and girl you up a little” because I’m not a girl?

I’m not the girliest girl ever every day, but I’m pretty girly some days and probably more feminine than masculine. I wear jewelry and am really extra about decorations. That’s possibly girly. I’m not sure the distinction really matters that much though

But anyway, I’m going because my mom is and I figured I’d feel safer with another person. I probably should have said no but I couldn’t bring myself to. She will respect me and not kill me though, I’ll see to it

Also might help her with the cooking if she wants, not because I’m paranoid or anything .... or am I? :P

 

[littleoc]

I’m currently more curious about why there is a bag a bacon anywhere but the fridge if the packaging implies that the purchase might have been this year

My mom claims we’ll know if it’s bad by sniffing and opening it, but, uh.... oops, I just lost it in the trash and took the trash out. That’s too bad

 

[mumstheword]

Did I mention I’m going to my twin brothers and his wife’s apartment for dinner? I haven’t seen their apartment yet.

I’m still very unsure about it because I can’t bring my service dog, the wife might want me to be less alive, and she seems to think I’m a bad influence because I’m gay but she hasn’t said it directly to my face. But she has said she “can’t wait to go through your wardrobe and girl you up a little” because I’m not a girl?

I’m not the girliest girl ever every day, but I’m pretty girly some days and probably more feminine than masculine. I wear jewelry and am really extra about decorations. That’s possibly girly. I’m not sure the distinction really matters that much though

But anyway, I’m going because my mom is and I figured I’d feel safer with another person. I probably should have said no but I couldn’t bring myself to. She will respect me and not kill me though, I’ll see to it

Also might help her with the cooking if she wants, not because I’m paranoid or anything .... or am I? :p

Good luck with the dinner!
I'm sure you'll get through it with grace and aplomb.
And kudos for braving your mum's office and ditching the old bacon! You may have just saved lives with that action!

 

[littleoc]

Thank you :)

I’m currently calling my brother repeatedly to ask if I can bring my dog, but that I understand that it’s their actual home so they’re allowed to say no technically. Unfortunately he is not answering the phone

And thank you again :) Yeah, no one is eating sketchy liquid-y bacon in this house.

I need to get access to those windows in case the power goes out one day or something, or the A/C stalls or something. It’s weird to have nonfunctional windows and nonfunctional fire place. Stupid, even

She cleaned the toilet though so I guess she still cares a little

 

[ILoveLife]

:hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:
You're totallllyyyyyy right to be angry! I think that's the healthy emotion, not apathy towards it.
In fact, you're handling everything right and you're doing all you can to solve the situation. This deserves a major Congratulations award and a post on accomplishments :) :hug:

Lots of love to you, @littleoc

 

[littleoc]

Oh, hey

Totally didn’t realize that might be an accomplishment

:D :D :D

Maybe because I’ll feel accomplished when this house isn’t insane

And when I’m not having to do emergency stops at a random store even though I am still just learning to drive because my mom’s blood sugar was too high

Because that made me thirty minutes late for going home to sleep! (Obviously my mom is okay or else I wouldn’t be saying that. Just so you know! I’d have forgotten about sleep otherwise lol)

But yeah, maybe that is an accomplishment

:0

 

[littleoc]

I didn’t want to take room away from SRG :) so:

But blaming yourself about what might happen is no different than me blaming myself for not going to the police and therefore other people got hurt.

Wait, I hadn’t considered that being a thing. My mom told me that I hurt people for not reporting the Pedo, when I was like 13 and she found out.

Which she found out because I was forced by a social worker against my will to say it. They said it would be better for me to tell her than for them to tell her.

Cue one of the most uncomfortable reactions I’ve ever seen. :(

So maybe she was mad

 

[littleoc]

Oh! ALSo!

The dinner with my bro went very well. They were happy to see us and wanted us to stay late :)

Also they did let me bring my dog over, so that was nice. Apparently they agreed a long time ago that she could come over whenever because she’s a service dog as won’t do anything weird, so that’s neat. They just never told me, lol

She (bro’s wife) did send us home with things she didn’t eat. It was funny because my mom admitted she had a dream about them poisoning us and I was casually like “you know what I had the same dream” :P

 

[Freida]

Wait, I hadn’t considered that being a thing. My mom told me that I hurt people for not reporting the Pedo, when I was like 13 and she found out.

OK - let's make sure you translated that correctly. It is NOT your fault if he hurt other people because you didn't say anything. Because you couldn't --there was too much risk to yourself for speaking up. Your mother is an idiot. Sorry -- but she is. You don't tell a 13 year old that she was responsible for the behavior of an adult pedophile. She was shifting her guilt onto you. Which NEVER should have happened.

 

[littleoc]

Huh

Well that’s new and interesting

I haven’t mentioned it much but it really bothers me that when Pedo moved away to China, it was to marry a girl who was probably not of age. He wanted me to see his ring before he left. He seemed to really like me, even after his suicide attempt. He quit touching me though.

Confusing. Let’s not get into that now!

I will give some benefit of the doubt, though (am I saying that phrase right?), because that was ten years ago. My mom was raped at age 13 (the first time) and her mom told her the same thing. Her mom also literally stole her husbands for fun and constantly talked about my mom’s breasts and figure so I think my mom’s mom was seriously mentally ill.

Actually yeah, my grandma died of revenge gone wrong. Kinda horrible actually. Pretty mentally ill thing to do. It went really wrong. She died and everything.

But anyway, my mom’s rapist got away because her mom didn’t take her seriously anyway even after she reported it, and she got a forced abortion (which in the 60s I hear wasn’t very safe?), and then about a year before I told my mom (was forced to tell her against my will), she found out that her rapist had children and he was raping them. I’m guessing she blamed herself and maybe she was even talking about herself and I didn’t know it

Sorry, I know this diary isn’t for my mom. Her life was incredibly messed up though. So maybe that’s why she treats me weirdly and says stuff like that. Sucks that I was young and impressionable and thought it was true

But I will go on thinking that he chose to do stuff. I wasn’t powerful enough to take on a grown man. f*ck, after I reported him, even though he was in China, his brother’s started stalking me in his truck. Which I never reported, and for good reason too. Good times I guess

 

[littleoc]

I’m going to town alone (with a service dog, is that cheating?) tomorrow :)

And, something important that I’m going to put in the other thread (the one about how to tell my mom that a therapist is gonna look at our house and see how out of control life has gotten here): my mom is suddenly cleaning things up a bit

So it looks like me getting mad doing making it not hot upstairs actually did something? Or maybe she was embarrassed at what I saw upstairs? Or maybe she’s tired of the mess? Or maybe she doesn’t want the therapist to see all the trash? Or maybe she wants a clean space for herself? (I’m trying to not take credit, sorry for awkward wording.)

Point is, I went up there just now to check the temp and make sure it was reasonable for a human to live in, unlike today and presumably all summer and possibly part of winter, and saw some trash is gone and it was in a trash bag. So I’ll take that out for her (she can’t) and say something nice if I can? Kinda neat

I do believe she forgot to pay the electric bill, but I’m not going to wake her up. It’s already past midnight, maybe she will use this to remember not to procrastinate bills?, and also waking her up that way would be a shock and an adrenaline rush of worry that wouldn’t go away for hours. Would be mean at this point, it was probably late by midnight, so, you know. Not my house. She’ll remember eventually

 

[littleoc]

I don’t know what chemical got onto my thumb, but it killed cells on contact and burned the rest. The red ring wasn’t raised, it was indented. It spans around my entire thumb. I poked it and the effected skin is completely numb. Dead nerves.

Early it felt sparkly, like blood flow was gone. That must have been the cells dying? It still does that a bit when I rotate the thumb.

It doesn’t look like a third degree burn. I don’t want to talk about it right now, but this feels like that third degree burn. I remember the white dead skin, but that the muscle survived.

So I must have some thick ass skin because my thumb is not blue and it’s moving fine. But the ring is strange. But it’s now level with my skin, not indented, and very, VERY warm like it’s having an immune response — contact dermatitis, sort of. Contact cell burns

I’m very annoyed about this. But also worried. My mom walks barefoot up there. And she’s diabetic. A wound like this on her foot could lead to her losing the foot.

Any volunteers need to know about this and need to wear gloves in here