So What is it?

[Still Standing]

I could not figure out which place to put this under so admin' can place this where they think best.

As I was adding a post to my trauma diary that upset me a bit, by the end of it, I got druggy tired. This normally happens after the session of therapy is over, especially after EMDR. Many times I would go home and not be able to stay awake, which resulted in me nearly passing out in sleep. The naps seemed to be quite calming. My T does not want me taking naps because he wants me to let my brain actively process whatever it was we talked about for the session. Lately, I have been able to avoid naps after therapy...only giving in a couple of times. Today's experience was one of those "give-in" moments, though therapy was yesterday and not today.

So, I got comfy on the couch and immediately dropped into very vivid "dreams". Each dream was so real, but they disturbed me enough that I struggled to come out of them so that I could open my eyes and see that I was in my house and not in the dream. Each time, I would drop quickly back into that different world. The last dream progressed to the point that it terrified me...really terrified me. I desperately struggled to wake myself up. My heart was pounding and I was sweating. I was praying for help. Total panic. When I opened my eyes, I could not tell if what just happened was real or not. It seemed real to me and it took a bit of time to understand that it was only a bad dream. It shook me up for quite some time. Two hours later, when hubby came home, he wanted to go out to eat, as I was walking out the front door, I was instantly triggered back to the bad dream (it involved being trapped in the open doorway, fearing for my life). I felt like I was walking into a different world. It was a very odd experience. And it caused my heart to boom out of my chest and I momentarily wanted to cry. The weird thing is that I never "slept". I just dropped into these other worlds and had to "wake" myself from them. I was only on the couch for about 15 minutes.

Did my trauma post ignite a bad case of avoidance? Or was this dissociation? Or is it simply a nightmare? All could be responses that my head threw at me to keep me from further processing my initial thoughts regarding the dust-up from EMDR.

I am so confused. Whatever it was, I didn't like it one bit!

 

[Freida]

I'm not sure why your T says no naps. I go home and crash and mine says that is where the processing takes place. odd how they come from such opposite sides huh?

I don't actually sleep - I usually listen to guided meditations for a couple hours in the dark. I can't handle any input around me. Sometimes I get into those dreams like you are describing, and sometimes I jerk awake over and over. It's quite exhausting - and I'm toast for about 24 hours afterwards.

That's the bad news. The good news is that as I understand it processing is going on all through that in the bottom of my mind. That's why I'm so tired - my brain is actually rewiring areas while it's happening. So I try to think of that as the "working" part that doesn't require my attendance.

 

[ILoveLife]

PTSD nightmares are pretty powerful.
It was my most significant symptom for years. I'm guessing it's the reason your T does not want you to nap, being stuck in fear instead of calmingly processing is counter productive.
My pdoc has another version of this though, she says the mind is also active - more on the subconscious - during sleep, and that we also process things in dreams. She "prescribes" me sleep very regularly, and it's one thing we always deal with in appointments.

We can learn how to process dreams, since they're representations of reality, themed based instead of factual.

 

[Sideways]

My T’s have also always encouraged sleep when I’m tired. Safest way to process stuff yeah?

 

[somerandomguy]

When I don't take naps I don't do well. Naps are healing for me and help me process things, especially after tough therapy appointments. They're like a big "reset" button. They're self-care.

 

[Dana1010]

I'm going to tack on to the other posters here, and say I don't get why your T is against naps. How does he know you're not processing in your sleep on some subconscious level? Your body is telling you it needs sleep -- is it wise to override it?

 

[Still Standing]

Ok, I agree with you all in that naps are calming. For me they are also an escape. Though I have never said they were an escape for me, I think this is what my T thinks they are. Don't quote me, but I think he used the word "avoidance" one day about the naps. Since I was having trouble being present, I can't be sure that is actually what he said. The problem is that many times, the drugged-type of sleepiness will hit me as soon as I get to my car or half way home, after therapy. It is so bad, I should pull over and sleep in the car. I do recognize it as a therapy-induced reaction. But, what is the right way to deal with it, I don't know. And I don't know if it is the way my mind is trying to avoid the trauma memories or if it is my head dissociating from the stress of the memories, or if the resulting nightmares are simply just nightmares. Having the horrible dreams, this last week, pushed me to the limit of tolerance. Now the idea of taking a nap after therapy is a crap shoot. Will it be a peaceful nap or am I going to wrestle with demons when I slip off the sleep? Right now, it is all confusing. Guess, I need to try to ask about the reasoning my doc does not want me to nap...and are they avoidance, dissociation or what, in his opinion. In the mean time, maybe I should substitute naps for binge eating. At least THAT does not give me nightmares!

But, as @Sietz said, the nightmares are horrible. They leave their mark with fear and panic. It is so bad sometimes, I have to check the house for intruders. Not fun. But, in spite of the possibility of having a nightmare, I would prefer to have permission to nap after therapy. It makes life a bit easier, as a whole.

 

[Sideways]

There is a time for some people when napping becomes avoidance - when they don’t really need to sleep, or are over-sleeping and slipping into a depressive pattern. If napping is something you do when you’re plain old avoidong life? It’s definitely something to be aware of, because it can feed a depressive slide downwards.

But the tiredness you’re describing sounds very different to that. When you’re genuinely falling asleep at the wheel (and a tough therapy session can absolutely do that)? It’s time to sleep.

Speak to your at again about his advice, and perhaps make him aware that driving home after sessions has become unsafe. It may call for an few tweaks to how your sessions are playing out.

 

[Freida]

it may also be an indication you need to slow down. I have a rough 24 hours afterwards with some nightmares but I don't think they are quite as bad. You might be pushing yourself a bit harder than your brain can process??

 

[Still Standing]

it may also be an indication you need to slow down.

My attitude, at this point, is no EMDR, today. I still had a hard time getting to sleep last night. Anxiety. I'm not sure that I can handle another week, like the last one. A break is naturally coming, as the T is taking a day off, which means, I will only have one session with him, this week. Perhaps, things will calm down, once I get past today's session. I am taking notes with me about the past few days and hope we can simply talk about it all. Just the thought of discussing this stuff with him makes my stomach churn.

 

[Freida]

T and I do this periodcally -- no emdr, just a review of all that has happened over the last few weeks. Kind of a chance to let everything we have dug up settle down. We have also used emdr to work on how I'm feeling about what I'm processing.

 

[grit]

Still Standing,



Thank you for posting this really great post and such details. I can relate to you. I also napped half of my life thinking wow! I am a power napper but learned in therapy that was dissociation. That heavy tiredness, where the eye lids droop, the brain is shut off, the body feels like albatross, ooh god and it can happen even after you just got up after a restful day. yeah! that one is dissociation. And it is brutal. It can hit me in a meeting, and I need or wish someone pour hot or cold water. It is not a normal napping. If you know what napping is you cannot confuse the natural napping of body to rest and the onset of dissociation. The fact you do this after therapy is very apt. You are overworked, triggered, overwhelmed and your body, mind and emotions need to shut down just like the old days before you knew you better and I think your therapist means you cannot sleep away your problems. They are no longer here and so it is better you keep up awake to process them and let them wash over you.



Dreams (IMHO) are a way for our body to re-experience an awful and extremely dangerous feelings that we cannot do or face in real life. I recommend rather than resisting them to allow them and be curious about it. You are in therapy so it is natural you are uncovering and re-experiencing some real awful things that put to you close to death - dissociation last time as a child or any trauma you have had over the years. Your body is smarter than you and saying, we will handle this processing for you while you sleep, please do not freak out. If you truly experience all that panic and anxiety, in real life, you will be in the hospital out of exhaustion or in psychosis. be curious. write them down. see a pattern. take them to your therapist. think of them as a story your body is telling you and see if you notice change in yourself and in your dreams. it is OK you are frightened. Why would you not? considering what happened to you? If you have any creativity drawing, singing or writing, use your dreams! You will see something! and you may see them differently. What is hard to afford is being afraid of your own dreams – you are making them so you need to own them.



About the dissociation, try to see what is happening when you are falling into that albatross nap. For me sometimes, it is after I spend time with triggering people - family or some friends. Learn what is happening just like you connected to the therapist and the therapy. When are you most likely feeling, even if your life depended on it, you could not stay up? Note and prepare yourself.



My therapist never gave me advice about this but I sort of realized that if I keep following dissociation’s control to take those naps, I am not growing or changing. I am stuck on the pattern of dissociating even at the slightest things and it worked for all my adult life as well as my childhood BUT now I cannot do this anymore. Also if you ever experienced a full present life, why would anyone ever give that up voluntarily? I work full time and I am in school so I find when I am not dissociating I am super woman. concentrating, sleeping, eating, everything is great and I have energy. When I give all that up because I do not want to feel depression or anxiety and choose to sleep through via dissociation, I simply allow it. I tell my husband, I am falling into the rabbit hole. He knows because I will be there in body but my brain is elsewhere. I give myself some time. To teach my life how to go in and get out consciously. I do not want to make enemy out of dissociation – it saved my life! But do I really want to be a sleeping deer while the lion sniffs me. NO!



In my own quirky way, I actually want to become expert in knowing my own dissociation and see what is made of. I also want to face anxiety and depression and all the other triggering feelings and face them but also have the option to sleep them away if I reach my limit. But I want to make that decision not automatically as I have done for over 40yrs.

If I keep my dissociation to rule my life, to me yes that would be avoidance and why am I even paying a therapy to recover.

I love saying I am triggered and I need my energy back and I think I will take a quick nap to give it to dissociating so I can wake up and get on with my life but a lot of times, I realize the more I fall into that pattern, the tricker it is to get out it.

Now I read, I educate myself, I go for a long walk and I may play sport or just admit I am triggered and try to figure out what are my feelings that are asking for dissciaotn.



I think you have a great mind and heart to notice and recognize huge leaps of growth and healing. I hope your dreams slow down so you are not so overwhelmed and I hope you get the message your body is telling you.



Thanks again for starting this great discussion. Healing is a unique journey but our paths cross here and there for a reason. I learned few things from you.