Career, studies and PTSD

[SeekingAfrica]

Hey everyone, I just wanted to get some different opinions, as I'm feeling really off right now. Messy. I am on new meds in my second week taking them, so that might be part of it. I work from home, but my current clients are the type of work I do to basically get money, but I do want to put time working towards the job I want. I know what I want to do and how, it's just that everything feels like it's been in chaos for way too long. I started getting myself together and then sprained my ankle and dealing with current job + physio was enough to keep me busy on most days. No extra energy. Finished physio but started new meds, so there were a lot of side effects and it was hard keeping up with current work.

And here I am. Today for example, I have my current work and I can do it without too much nerves. Everything else though makes me anxious. For about a week I did mostly current work and naps(meds) and not much else. And so now everything feels chaotic. I've been meaning to start on that other job since September most recently, with exact tasks(I broke down how to achieve it), and for a year, in more general terms(I knew what to do but not how). So in one way- I feel panic about being behind. Doesn't help that my apartment is a mess after last week, and I was supposed to be decluttering it this month(I work at home so it matters). At the same time, next month is fast approaching which makes me panic. All the holidays, visa application, a lot of administration and crowds and stuff to do and I haven't even started planning it yet. At the same time, end of the year is approaching which means I start asking myself how I'm doing on goals. I've been thinking about university lately and I have a lot of regrets. I loved my university and it gave me chances to experience things I never have before. But by the beginning of my 3rd year I go PTSD and everything got waaay off course. So I never got to do masters, I never got to do a lot of the things I planned for my 3rd and 4th year(then I had PTSD, but didn't yet know what it was, so I was barely getting by). So I want at some point to sort of 'settle' that regret. I know we all have things in life we regret, but this one is a. something I can do something about and b. one regret that keeps coming back to me. I wouldn't do university again full time, for several reasons. Main one, I need to work full time. But another one, I feel like I had enough of living in dormitories, parties and being up all night, I don't regret moving past that part of university. But the studies themselves, being challeneged, studying in the library that had so many resources, that's something I loved. And many other parts of my studies. And I do, I want to be more. I want to do more than working whatever to pay bills and trying to get to full work hours.

So...I don't know. I wanted to put this out there because my head is a mess today. For once I have no issue with directly working the work I have for the day, but in every other way I feel like I'm failing. My messy apartment, being behind on building the job I want, on studying, on planning next month... and it's hard to start on any of it because it's so much that needs to get done that I can't even clear my mind. My todo list for the day has like 20 items and I still feel like I'm no where in terms of progress. How do I even begin to tackle this? I feel behind on everything, on life...

 

[blackemerald1]

Hey @SeekingAfrica - I think you are more than capable of doing everything that you wrote about!

Everyone gets into messes and the todo lists become unmanageable at times. You are not so unique in that area please be re-assured! :)

Sometimes we have unrealistic expectations of ourselves and what can really be achieved in any one day and that can be the only reason we fail to get much done at all. Is this happening with you and that todo list?

So, break things down into logical sequences....like first tidying up your residence because most people do not work well in a cluttered and untidy environment. Your brain will think better, you will move better...when things are tidy... It's a psychological thing... idk where I got that from but I know it's true for most people... except maybe those extremely creative artistic people who surround themselves in an amazing array of objects for 'inspiration'. So if you are one of them, don't worry about tidying up! lol

Make sure you are eating, exercising and sleeping properly. You need to use self-discipline for this because it's too easy to let it slide since you work in the same place. You deserve some time out from the todo list and without recrimination towards yourself for allowing yourself that time away.

You come back refreshed and motivated simply by doing some self-care.

I think your ambition to return to University (part-time) is a goal that you really can realise but you might think about setting a plan with a time in place so if doesn't keep slipping onto the 'next year I will do it' list.

I think you had a bad time with your ankle - it really pulled you up hard and you don't recognise in yourself how very awkward that was for you. So... let yourself off the hook a little - accidents do happen and you had to heal from that injury. There was no choice with that. Even so, you still worked whilst carrying that injury. So fair go - be reasonable with yourself.

In regard to your new medication. A couple of weeks into a new regime.. it's highly likely you may be feeling a LOT of off and it's also likely you have not reached therapeutic levels yet. So, again - give yourself some breathing room to be a real human being that needs an adjustment time.

I know you want to be ahead of the game with work, being organised and keeping to your schedule. The only thing I can suggest you do, is do all the easy stuff first - have a system that allows you to know tomorrow what is on the agenda.

Sort out what is taking up so much head space for you and see if you can resolve that - break everything down into smaller tasks that are sequentially logical. Have a system for working and work to that system.

I hope you feel much better soon :hug:

 

[SeekingAfrica]

Hey @SeekingAfrica - I think you are more than capable of doing everything that you wrote about!

Sometimes we have unrealistic expectations of ourselves and what can really be achieved in any one day and that can be the only reason we fail to get much done at all. Is this happening with you and that todo list?

So, break things down into logical sequences....like first tidying up your residence because most people do not work well in a cluttered and untidy environment. Make sure you are eating, exercising and sleeping properly. You need to use self-discipline for this because it's too easy to let it slide since you work in the same place.

I think your ambition to return to University (part-time) is a goal that you really can realise but you might think about setting a plan with a time in place so if doesn't keep slipping onto the 'next year I will do it' list.

I think you had a bad time with your ankle - it really pulled you up hard and you don't recognise in yourself how very awkward that was for you. Even so, you still worked whilst carrying that injury.

In regard to your new medication. A couple of weeks into a new regime.. it's highly likely you may be feeling a LOT of off and it's also likely you have not reached therapeutic levels yet. So, again - give yourself some breathing room to be a real human being that needs an adjustment time.
:hug:

Thank you so much for the detailed response! It was nice to hear, although I haven't had time to reply until now. In retrospect, the fact that I was able to think of long term regrets and not just everyday issues is a good sign, I think. Meaning that I have a little more brainspace to think about future, something that hasn't been the case for a long time.

I tend to be from the people with creative chaos around, but that is still organised and clean chaos, just colorful and aesthetically pleasing:P. When I get anxious or depressed on huge level, that easily turns into a mess-mess. And then I'm anxious about cleaning and the more that happens the bigger the mess is, naturally.

I also almost always tend to make too big to-do lists and although I know it's unlikely they will get done, the 'shoulds' in my head usually win...There are a lot of adjustments right now, but that also means progress, so at the end it will be a good thing, I hope. Yes, I am having hard time with my ankle. It's slowly getting better though. Yes, I did work through it, but also, I didn't really work full time. I have been trying to work time, so perhaps, being in front of computer all day, yes. But with anxiety and adjustment to meds and physio, it's been barely part time some weeks. I'm trying to give myself a break and just aim for more and more amount of hours each week. But it's hard to think that it's okay for me to be working less hours.

I've been noticing being less anxious, and wanting to work on the desk and not in bed, and wanting to do more stuff around the house this week, so I think the meds are kicking in a bit in terms of more energy. And when I do get anxious thoughts it takes me slightly less time to gather myself. I have Xanax for special cases that I had started using every other day before I switched meds and I haven't needed since. So that is another point for the meds possibly working a bit:). But on the flipside now that I have energy to deal with problems, I find myself hugely sad over the amount of things I have left to deal with later while I was in bad state. Trying to take it easy though. And yes, trying to think of future and possibly online university(so I don't have to move to find the course I want). Anyway...as it is with life there are good and bad moments and progresses and a lot going on:). Although I think recognizing it's not all bad is a good sign. I guess putting all this in writing helps me, too.

 

[Wendell_R]

I also almost always tend to make too big to-do lists

A tip the Little Guys taught the adult part of me: when you are done with something on your to-do list, mark it off with a big, bright crayon or marker. It feels like a big, bold accomplishment then!

You're getting there! If you take small, manageable steps in the right direction, you will get where you want to go. If there are a bunch of anxiety-provoking things on my to-do list, I tell myself I only need to do one each day.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

A tip the Little Guys taught the adult part of me: when you are done with something on your to-do list, mark it off with a big, bright crayon or marker. It feels like a big, bold accomplishment then!

You're getting there! If you take small, manageable steps in the right direction, you will get where you want to go. If there are a bunch of anxiety-provoking things on my to-do list, I tell myself I only need to do one each day.

Thanks, I'll try! There are a lot of anxiety-provoking issues right now. Pretty much any semi-important task that was postponed because of my health in the last couple of months makes me anxious even just for the fact that it was postponed. One such task daily sounds good, I'll try.