Sad thing - When you tell your therapist all your abuse and she can’t hug you because of boundaries.

[EveHarrington]

I asked her on Thursday if I was too damaged or dirty to get a hug. She said no it was boundaries. Then she said it’s especially not safe to give sexual abuse survivors hugs. Ugh. I really felt damaged.
I understand her thoughts it just hurts.

Did she word it just like that?

Cuz I’d be saying “WHAT DO YOU MEAN IT ISNT SAFE TO GIVE SEXUAL ABUSE SURVIVORS HUGS?!?! DO I HAVE COOTIES?!?”

(Caps because my voice would be raised!)

Then again, I don’t have problems with platonic touch so I’m pretty much cool all around with friendly hugs.

 

[Bananamango]

I’m not a counsellor/therapist but I am a health care professional in a hospital, and it does sadden me sometimes how professional boundaries prevent us from being a human being sometimes.

I’m older now, but when I first graduated I had a young man just about my age I had to treat. He was dying of stomach cancer. He burst into tears in front of me and I sat beside him and I wanted to give him a hug or at least put my arm around him to comfort him....but I’d just graduated, had been told I should not have physical contact with patients, and I was similar in age. But it would not have been sexual in any way, and I think it would have been helpful to him in that moment. But I held back and just sat awkwardly next to him. It’s a regret I have 20 years later.

Knowing what I know now, I would have given that poor man a hug. It would have been the human thing to do. I doubt there would have been any consequences...and still feel bad to this day.

 

[ImSad]

Haven’t read all the responses here — i think I’ll catch up later, because the first two pages or so had a lot of good ones.

But early on in my therapy when I disclosed a trauma to my T she said she wished she could come over and hug me, but that she’s not supposed to touch her clients. In the moment I wished that she could just come hug me. I was feeling extremely vulnerable and could’ve used the comfort. Some of my parts have since come in much stronger during therapy and I don’t know if I would feel comfortable with a hug at this point, but I think a hand squeeze or something like that would be really helpful sometimes. Maybe to make me feel less distant from her, because I think the longer I am in therapy the more distant I am feeling — entirely a defense mechanism, probably because once I started to feel attached I pulled away more. But since she said a while ago that she’s not supposed to touch her clients I’m not sure I’ll ever bring it up.

 

[Emotional girl]

I had no touch at all with my last therapist as he worked in the NHS and in my experience it is a big no no for a therapist and client to touch in this sector.
I had strong attachment issues with him and I would have liked to have touched his hand however if he would have offered me a hug I probably run out of the room.I think for me I needed the boundaries of no touch.
I always felt safe with him and I do feel like we had a good relationship and we were close without there being any physical contact.

 

[Snowflake]

Did she word it just like that?

Cuz I’d be saying “WHAT DO YOU MEAN IT ISNT SAFE TO GIVE SEXUAL ABUSE SURVIVORS HUGS?!?! DO I HAVE COOTIES?!?”

(Caps because my voice would be raised!)

Then again, I don’t have problems with platonic touch so I’m pretty much cool all around with friendly hugs.

Yes she kinda did say it like that. :)

 

[Justmehere]

Another perspective: what if she’s not a hugger and for her, touch is hard for her own personal reasons, and she won’t share those, because of boundaries?

I think as clients it’s easy to think a therapist’s “no” to a request is all about us, when most of the time, it’s not. It’s about the therapist. Not you or me.

Do you gets hugs from friends or others? Maybe focus on getting the need met for hugs there. Don’t hang the success of therapy on one no. Much healing can still happen without the therapist going outside of her limits. You did a good thing to share with her and to talk to her about the hugs too.

Also, work in eye contact in therapy. That can do a lot to bring reassurance and connectedness over time.

 

[Snowflake]

Another perspective: what if she’s not a hugger and for her, touch is hard for her own personal reasons, and she won’t share those, because of boundaries?

I think as clients it’s easy to think a therpaist’s “no” to a request is all about us, when most of the time, it’s not. It’s about the therapist. Not you or me.

Do you gets hugs from friends or others? Maybe focus on getting the need met for hugs there. Don’t hang the success of therapy on one no. Much healing can still happen without the therapist going outside of her limits. You did a good thing to share with her and to talk to her about the hugs too.

Also, work in eye contact in therapy. That can do a lot to bring reassurance and connectedness over time.

Thank you. She says she isn’t a hugger.

 

[Justmehere]

I have times I can not hug others. Has nothing to do with them. If I was in her shoes, I’d be worried to start hugging and then not be able to do it some days and then the whole relationship comes undone.

She’s protecting you from that happening. Sounds like she’s quite on your side.

 

[Snowflake]

I have times I can not hug others. Has nothing to do with them. If I was in her shoes, I’d be worried to start hugging and then not be able to do it some days and then the whole relationship comes undone.

She’s protecting you from that happening. Sounds like she’s quite on your side.

Yes she did mention that-(if she doesn’t hug on a day how would I feel)

 

[MyWillow]

I totally get the desire for a hug. I’m super conflicted about closeness so it would not be a good option for me.

My psydoc teaches me to comfort and soothe myself. From the first session when I dissociated she suggested I wrap my arms around myself and stroke my arms like I would my cats and dogs. All the whilst reassuring my body that I was safe and that I am listening. She always asks what I need, asks me to make choices. She always points out that I am the one doing the grounding not her. I really like this approach - it encourages me to feel strong and to rely on my own ability to protect and be kind to myself. Rather than relying on a T who cannot be there for me all the time. She emphasises how important it is for calming the body and the dissociation and the flashbacks.

 

[Snowflake]

I totally get the desire for a hug. I’m super conflicted about closeness so it would not be a good option for me.

My psydoc teaches me to comfort and soothe myself. From the first session when I dissociated she suggested I wrap my arms around myself and stroke my arms like I would my cats and dogs. All the whilst reassuring my body that I was safe and that I am listening. She always asks what I need, asks me to make choices. She always points out that I am the one doing the grounding not her. I really like this approach - it encourages me to feel strong and to rely on my own ability to protect and be kind to myself. Rather than relying on a T who cannot be there for me all the time. She emphasises how important it is for calming the body and the dissociation and the flashbacks.

I may ask her to help me like this. Thank you

 

[Stephani8o]

My t is also a sexual abuse survivor so I don't know how she feels about it.

I am very uncomfortable with touch. Each day before emdr she warns me that she is coming into my space. It makes me uncomfortable until we begin working.

She does tell me things that are like verbal hugs and I have a hard time accepting those. Like she is there for me and I'm not completely alone. She also always says thank you for sharing after I share something really personal. I always shrug. I still don't believe that I am worthy of being loved. I do want to be loved so that's an improvement.