Other people's pain is worse/ more important than mine

[Deleted member 47099]

This has been a theme, throughout my life.

With childhood trauma/ abuse/ CSA, it's not hard to see where distorted core belief comes from.

My pain was utterly invalidated.

And I numbed my pain.

But other people's pain seems "awful" to me.

I can have a broken leg and be "meh" about it and still be like "OMG you poor thing" if someone else says how much their sprained ankle hurts.

I think it's hard to turn this around, because everyone says that caring about others more is compassionate and caring about yourself more is selfish.

It's not that I don't care about my own pain - I do.

But I still think other people's pain is 10 x more important.

It's not a good/ helpful core belief.

 

[Rani G2]

@Sophy Hi

Just from my own perspective, no generalizing (Or atleast trying not to Do so)

To undermine my own pain/necessity by focusing on other people‘s anguish/pain was an attempt to not deal with my own pain (I know, there is no need to mention that, it’s obvious). It is has given me an explaination to keep things under control. The abuser/abusers/caregivers response created a voice in me, to believe that my own self is so weak/brittle/fragile/wrong that the experience of abuse is partly my fault so why Do you believe you have any right to think that you deserve any emotional support?

In my case I created a part which has narcissistic characteristics (Called Daria) Who is very clear in what she wants, if things don’t go her way, she demands them. Unfortunately this part was not helpful in the long run, so I/Therapy had to make her understand that the abuse is over.

 

[Deleted member 47099]

Ha, the idea of creating a narcissistic part sounds like a cool idea. I can see that it would be important to not let that part get out of control. But to even be able to *feel* a healthy sense of narcisism in the first place, it might be quite helpful.

By healthy, I mean the kind of normal narcisism/ ego-centricism that healthy non-traumatised children have.

Thanks @PURUSHA

 

[frogthroat]

But I still think other people's pain is 10 x more important.

In my personal experience this is a form of denial and something that keeps the cycle of self-destruction ongoing.
The month before I went inpatient I was so critical of my own feelings, that I was in terrible pain that I basically talked to myself like a drill sergeant would. Everybody had more of a right to be alive than me. I'm so much weaker than other people blah, blah, blah. It was just on and on until I snapped like a twig.
As a kid, you can only "toughen up" or dissociate. When you're an adult and that no longer starts to work then you desperately try to bully yourself back into that state of numbness. It just doesn't work.
I do believe this is a form of punishing yourself. Of, course you have a right to feel pain. Everybody does! People go through horrible, tough things. They cry. They grieve. Sometimes, you need help to get out but it's okay. Being a person is hard. I've stopped trying to stuff my feelings and that has helped me so much.
You have as much of a right to feel pain as anyone else. Acknowledging it, sitting with it, moving forward, or even getting help when you can't do it alone isn't feeling sorry for yourself. Trying to ignore it is just going to make it snowball.

 

[Deleted member 47099]

Thanks @RuffledFeathers :hug:

 

[Rani G2]

it would be important to not let that part get out of control.

Yes @Sophy..

So our organism seems to be very creative when it comes to surviving... hours of Therapy to be aware of that part, hours of therapy to realize that parts motivation/morals/methods to come out of those experiences alive. So, yes it is a juggling act, to learn ways to act in socially acceptable ways, then constantly making that part aware of the safe situation now and that there is no reason to defend myself in that manner. The goal is to process those events (If accessible) place them in their time and place, and finally no need for any part to feel isolated.

P.s: I forgot to mention the internalized abuser as well...

 

[HisDaughter]

I am sorry! Do you think a therapist could provide some help? You've been through a lot and can use some healing. Sometimes we have distorted thought patterns and maybe that is true of all of us. Therapy or counseling can be very helpful.

 

[Deleted member 47099]

Oh, I've done a bunch of trauma therapy already... This is just remnant, odd, old core beliefs still hanging around...

This stuff doesn't feel agonising and it doesn't keep me up at night anymore.

It's just more like a pebble in my shoe now and thinking "that stoopid thing should *not* be in my shoe (i.e. brain) ...grrr"

I think I'll be going "ooh look, a stupid thought pattern - I should fix that" regularly for the rest of my life :laugh:

Still haven't made any progress on this issue since I started this thread - so thanks for bumping it back up and making my brain go "huh...?"

:)

 

[Deleted member 47099]

Actually, here's something that might be a relevant clue...

Both my parents were f*cking nut-cases.

One in a perp type way.

The other in a fruit-loop type way.

They both had childhood trauma too - with fruit-loop parent I know there was massive trauma.
With perp parent I don't know because it's all shrouded in mystery and everyone's like wtf.

So, even when I was a little kid (5 years old etc.) I remember looking at my parents who would be *losing* it over some tiiiiiiiiiiiiny issue and thinking "FFS these people are FREAKS".

As things started getting very dysfunctional/ toxic/ abusive as of age 7/8, they would get ever more dramatically dysregulated about stuff... Becoming suicidal over "small" things... Becoming violent over "small" things.

I was a very silent, stoic child... I'd just use whatever coping methods I had, and I would stare at them thinking "You're an insane mess".

I think this experience taught me (deeply) that "other people" do not have emotion regulation skills or coping skills AT ALL.

So if someone has a sprained ankle, I think deep down inside I'm assuming "OMG they must be suicidal" or "OMG they must be about to get violent".

Where as I'll be there with a broken leg, using emotion regulation skills and coping skills (as best I can) and being like "Ah, meh, yeah, it's a broken leg, but there's worse things, I'm basically fine you know..."

I think seeing them literally lose it over ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING has given me the impression that "other people" are unable to cope with basically ANYTHING.

Gonna have to mull on that for a bit.

Thanks for prodding my brain to do some thinking :)

 

[HisDaughter]

Oh, I've done a bunch of trauma therapy already... This is just remnant, odd, old core beliefs still hanging around...

This stuff doesn't feel agonising and it doesn't keep me up at night anymore.

It's just more like a pebble in my shoe now and thinking "that stoopid thing should *not* be in my shoe (i.e. brain) ...grrr"

I think I'll be going "ooh look, a stupid thought pattern - I should fix that" regularly for the rest of my life :laugh:

Still haven't made any progress on this issue since I started this thread - so thanks for bumping it back up and making my brain go "huh...?"

:)

Unfortunately, we are not perfect. All of us are going to have to force ourselves to practice healthy habits. I'm glad you've done therapy because the guidance can be very helpful even though you still have your struggles. I hope you experience complete healing very soon. Take care of yourself!