What Others Think is More Important Than What I Think or Feel

[whiteraven]

Ok, I think this fits in with cognitive distortions, but if not, feel free to move.

All my life I have been kind of obsessed with how I appear to others. Not so much in the physical sense (well, ok...there is some of that), but in the way my outward behavior comes across. I've not always been aware of the anger and rage when it's happening, but as I've gotten older, I am much more aware of all the feelings I have, how they are expressed, and how others might see me.

Physically, I'm not attractive, and I accepted that long ago. I don't care about things like make-up or fashion; I'm more focused on shapes and uniformity. How will my hair look to my neighbor? Don't let anyone see my profile because I look horrible from the side. And I have to wear big shirts to cover up the fat.

It's much more pronounced emotionally. Recently it's been about my occasional use of a cane, which makes me worry that I'll appear less than independent. A very messy and cluttered house, which doesn't feel bad to me, but which I sometimes worry will make me look lazy to anyone who comes over (thus, very few visitors). That sort of thing.

I'm much, much better about letting go of shoulds, and I'm getting better about understanding that nearly everything I worry about I really don't need to. But I struggle still with things like I noted above and also with appearing stupid or unprepared. That's a huge one. So...I almost always prepare what I'm going to say when I go nearly anywhere, and I make sure I have plotted out my route when I visit somewhere new (to the point of driving it beforehand so I don't look stupid if I go the wrong way).

Would love to hear if anyone else struggles with any of this.

 

[Weemie]

My mom is this way. She barely leaves the house, and has no friends (friends are dangerous because they could judge her), yet obsesses when there's a few dishes in the sink that "someone (who????) would think I was a horrible awful slob." It's all about avoiding shame by critically over-analyzing every scenario and matching it up to what she thinks "should" be happening.

Even though, her perception of what normal people would think of her is skewed because she literally doesn't know any normal people. Since she avoids the possibility of embarrassing herself by avoiding social interaction altogether. (And I am the furthest possible thing from a normal human being.) Every single part of her life is about this in some way.

From the outside, it looks positively exhausting. I'm the exact opposite, excruciatingly intrinsically motivated and not in the slightest bit concerned with praise or criticism from others. But she internalizes all of that stuff. Possibly because she was raised by a severe narcissist and subjected to bullying and emotional abuse for 40 years.

 

[Bamboo]

I relate to this.

I'm with you on the physical aspect of it. I surrendered to the fact that I'm just not an attractive person years ago. I'm a generally nice person, or at least I try to be and hope that I am viewed as such. And I understand that for some people, physical attractiveness can actually change in the eye of the beholder as they get to know the personality of who they are beholding ( pretty people with ugly insides kind of thing and vice versal). But on appearances alone, I'm lucky if I'm a 2 or 3 and that's on a good day. I do wear some makeup, but it's minimal and I'm not good at. The concept of "contouring your cheekbones" and "highlighting the bridge of your nose" is simply a foreign concept to me. Cant change my looks, short of plastic surgery, so I just accepted it. So I don't really worry about that part. And I dress for comfort, not appearance. At 54 any curves I have are of the outward variety now.

But I do, admittedly, worry way too much on how I'm viewed as a person. My capabilities, my personality, my emotional state, and intelligence. And I contradict myself on it in a lot of ways which even I don't really understand. If someone is explaining something to me, or states something to me that I have no knowledge of, I have absolutely no issue telling them that I don't understand and need them to elaborate or explain it to me. And yet, at the same time, if I am put into a position where I don't know what I'm doing, I will get incredibly self conscious of it and will inwardly beat myself up for my ineptitude. Being unprepared for something can cause my anxiety to skyrocket and then I feel worse because I feel like everyone is viewing me as this overdramatic person who worries about the dumbest things. I feel like everyone is thinking "Good God girl, calm down". I used to be much more OCD about everything in my house. I still am of the mind that everything has it's place and should be in it's place, but I'm better than I used to be. Better at allowing myself to relax a little instead of saying "when it's ALL done, THEN I can relax" ( Because it's NEVER all done. I'll just find more. )

And if I know that someone is coming to my home, I'll have a panic cleaning session because I don't want anyone to think that I live in a dirty house. My son always laughed and told me that if I saw the inside of the homes of most of his friends, I would know that my house is incredibly clean. But......It's not the house itself, but rather how they view ME because of a dirty house that bothers me. I've always struggled with being viewed as unkind, or unattractive, or unintelligent, or unclean, or unsophisticated. But at the same time I contradict myself in that I will sit in my driveway in a lawn chair and have a drink and not gives a rat's a** if it's unsophisticated because it's who I am. I am not a fancy girl. I don't WANT to be a fancy girl. And there's a large part of me that's perfectly fine with that. And yet.....always worry about what that makes others think about me.

It's an odd balance that I just hate. I hate that I care about what others think because there's that other part of me the doesn't care and that's the happier part.