Comete1024
New Here
Hello,
First thanks to the persons who created this space.
For a long time, I thought my family was good, normal, and that I was very anormal, a big burden that my parents managed to bear thanks to their extreme benevolence (I was born healthy).
As an adult, I got interested in various psychology field (self-compassion, behavioural cognitive therapy, mindfulness meditation, book 'toxic parents'), which helped me a bit.
But 2 weeks ago, I discovered C-PTSD thanks to Michel Lee Nieves Youtube channel. I wrote down some 50 pages of notes.
And yesterday, at hearing "the song "Rag'n'Bone Man - Human", it triggered me some right to be human, tears came, and I FELT a bit of the huge pain I buried inside as a kid.
Basicly, my mother couldn't bear that I was happy and I was supposed to help her with her unsolvable emotionnal struggle.
So I was taught to willingly destroy my own humanity, my feelings, my existence, my emotion, my happiness/joy. And to absorb all the negativities and disfunctions of my mother. And to create my identity on the basis of her needs and of my duty to absorb all her negativities.
When I gave up any inner happiness/safety and became sad, then I was met with anger because I was supposed to be happy so that my parents could display the image of good parents.
Even if I went so far to apply multi-layer destruction of my identity just to please my mother and try to help her, it turned out to never be enough;... Sometimes, I guess it was a bit like inner hell. And my mother sent me to a psychologist, because I was not a normal kid...
My father was happy that he didn't have to deal with the emotional negativies of my mother, and delighted so much in his position of an all-knowing God who sacrificied him so much to give us food and shelter.
Now, I want to heal. (1) I think I have a huge amount of pain which needs to surface and be grieved. And (2) I need to recover the ability to get connected to the FEELINGS of my "initial self" (my self : before the erasal of my id by my parents, and before the personnality swap).
Anyone willing to chat with me about (1) or (2) is wellcome
I want to heal because, I have clear in mind what will make my life happy and meaningful. I changed my life 2 years ago to go in this direction.
But, this C-PTSD surfaced in the form of stomach pain, as if it didn't want me to be happy.
Thanks
First thanks to the persons who created this space.
For a long time, I thought my family was good, normal, and that I was very anormal, a big burden that my parents managed to bear thanks to their extreme benevolence (I was born healthy).
As an adult, I got interested in various psychology field (self-compassion, behavioural cognitive therapy, mindfulness meditation, book 'toxic parents'), which helped me a bit.
But 2 weeks ago, I discovered C-PTSD thanks to Michel Lee Nieves Youtube channel. I wrote down some 50 pages of notes.
And yesterday, at hearing "the song "Rag'n'Bone Man - Human", it triggered me some right to be human, tears came, and I FELT a bit of the huge pain I buried inside as a kid.
Basicly, my mother couldn't bear that I was happy and I was supposed to help her with her unsolvable emotionnal struggle.
So I was taught to willingly destroy my own humanity, my feelings, my existence, my emotion, my happiness/joy. And to absorb all the negativities and disfunctions of my mother. And to create my identity on the basis of her needs and of my duty to absorb all her negativities.
When I gave up any inner happiness/safety and became sad, then I was met with anger because I was supposed to be happy so that my parents could display the image of good parents.
Even if I went so far to apply multi-layer destruction of my identity just to please my mother and try to help her, it turned out to never be enough;... Sometimes, I guess it was a bit like inner hell. And my mother sent me to a psychologist, because I was not a normal kid...
My father was happy that he didn't have to deal with the emotional negativies of my mother, and delighted so much in his position of an all-knowing God who sacrificied him so much to give us food and shelter.
Now, I want to heal. (1) I think I have a huge amount of pain which needs to surface and be grieved. And (2) I need to recover the ability to get connected to the FEELINGS of my "initial self" (my self : before the erasal of my id by my parents, and before the personnality swap).
Anyone willing to chat with me about (1) or (2) is wellcome
I want to heal because, I have clear in mind what will make my life happy and meaningful. I changed my life 2 years ago to go in this direction.
But, this C-PTSD surfaced in the form of stomach pain, as if it didn't want me to be happy.
Thanks
