I Am So Sick Of Being Judged By Family!

[Deleted member 541]

I am just so sick of being judged by my family that I could just scream... You would think that they way they judge me, that I was the only one that lived in the house and was abused and didn't suffer from some form of mental health issues... They point their fingers, condemn me, judge me, and talk behind my back.

You would think that they themselves are immune, have not engaged in any destructive behaviors, were not abusive, have done worse by many standards, or do not have any issues the way they speak about themselves, their children, their spouses, or their home live....

You would think that I am the ONLY one out of 5 children that is mentally ill or has any issues to hear them speak....

A couple of days ago, I had a computer problem and I was having difficulty resolving it. Money issues right now was stopping me from calling a tech, and so I called my brother(one of my abusers from childhood) for some help. He soon brought up the subject of my daughter and then proceeded to judge me, vilify me, and condemn me for the choice I made concerning my 38 yr old daughter. I severed all ties with her, for the sake of my sanity, and health....

Why is it, that other people, including therapist, psychiatrist, social workers, lawyers, and just plain old people that I know all agreed, that I made the best decision for myself, and yet my family condemns, and judges for my action???? I just don't get it.

Someone please explain this to me, as I am really struggling with this, and would really like to mail them all a letter, detailing everything that they themselves have done in life, and ask them why it is, that I am so different, and that they feel the need to judge me because of my choices in life????

I seriously just don't get this......

 

[intothelight]

Hi She Cat,

Initially, we don't get to pick our family. However, at some point we can choose to have them in our lives or not, or just how much they will be in our lives.

I always noticed that certain members of my family treat strangers on the street with more respect and kindness than they do the people they are suppose to "love". I don't need that type of "love" and I have had my fill of it. I'll only take the real thing and will not settle for less.

Also, have you ever noticed that some people with the worst kind of problems are always judging others and never take a good look in the mirror? Set the boundaries you need to and it is tough.

 

[Marlene]

I find in my family that if someone admits something...anything was wrong, they're jumped on. Because if one thing was wrong, then more things could have been wrong and that just opens the door for all the demons to come out. Plus admitting something was wrong is a step away from admitting responsibility for those things being wrong. No matter the extent of the responsibility. When I was first dealing with my PTSD and the past my mother was a big cheerleader for me. She would say 'Tell your therapist about your father doing this or that'. Suddenly when it came to her to accept blame for her part in the abusive house I grew up in...the cheerleading stopped and everything was laid at my father's feet (him being dead was damned convenient) and she walked away from it all.

So you talking to your brother about your mental health issues, your daughter's problems and possibly bringing up the past you shared with him...suddenly he finds himself being defensive and putting blame on you for everything (crazy, bad mother, bad sister...whatever came to mind, I'm sure) and stepping back from everything with clean hands. You're a threat to his world. You know where the bodies are buried and you can blast open his world where everything was great while growing up and you all got along just grand, blah, blah, blah. It's easier to make you the bad guy than to risk his fantasy. You told me a long time ago that my family wasn't going to own up to what they did, their part in it. It's easier to blame a dead man (Yes, he had a big part in it, but they aren't innocents by any means) and label me a trouble maker, boat rocker or just the odd one. Like they've always done.

He's not judging you...he covering his own ass by blaming you for his part in the horror that was your childhood.

Wendy...**** him. **** them all. They're not worth what it would do to you if you wrote the letter.

Hugs
Lisa

 

[Deleted member 541]

I am just so sick of this shit you don't know. I just don't understand how they have all conveniently developed selective memory. They can remember anythng I have done, but god forbid they should remember or acknowledge anything that they have done in their lives... From abortions, to affairs, to spouses that were arrested for spousal abuse, and yet we are still married to that person. The list is endless of the things that they have done through out their lives, and yet they don't talk about their shit, but Wendy's life is always up for grabs when it comes to shit talk.

So easy for them to point fingers at me, and just go on with their lives like they are Lilly white, and have done nothing ever to be ashamed about...Just irks my ass, that I struggle every ****ing day of my life to overcome, and face the shit that I have done, and can admit to. Yet, still I am judged and ostracized by some that have actually abused me, and to this day will not take responsibility for this action or the things that they have done............

Spinning out of control here, suicidal ideation/depression is settling in fast. Spinning out of control here, and I could give a rats ass about anything right now. ****ers, one day they will have to finally live with the things that they have done. I live with the shit I have done every ****ing day of my life, and struggle to forgive MYSELF, and yet, I have forgiven them... How ironic, that they judge, and I forgive. Ironic or just plain ****ing stupidity on my part?????

 

[Jade-]

I'm sorry for the way you're feeling right now She Cat. Don't let them get to you like that. **** them all.

 

[Marlene]

I just don't understand how they have all conveniently developed selective memory. They can remember anythng I have done, but god forbid they should remember or acknowledge anything that they have done in their lives...

You got out, you got better and now you're fair game because you're dangerous to their fantasy world because you won't play their game of 'Everything's fine' anymore.

Don't let the bastards win. They're not worth it. You are...but after everything that you've been through at their hands or because of their doing don't you DARE let them get you in a bad place! That was said with the mom finger shaking at you. :-)

Lisa

 

[Deleted member 541]

Trying not to let the bastards win, and trying not to go to a bad place, but right now, I am deep in shit with bad places, money issues, my asshole family, and just a host of other things. Not doing great, but trying. But honestly, I think I am losing the battle Lisa. I'm just tired of this shit. I just never gets any easier, and when it does, it seems that something small can just send us to a world of shit, and then the fighting starts all over again. I'm tired of fighting, I really am. I am almost 57 years old and I have been fighting this shit almost my entire life. I'm tired, and need a rest....

 

[Nicolette]

I am just so sick of this shit you don't know. I just don't understand how they have all conveniently developed selective memory.

Wendy, my family is the same as yours except there were 8 children, one who died at birth and even that didn't happen. It's called denial to protect their own little worlds or false realities that they have created to enable them to live with themselves. You on the other hand are much stronger and a much better person IMHO as you are willing to stand up and face the truth, warts and all and try and process it.

I have spent 20 years trying to get my family to even comprehend the pain and suffering they have caused me. What I worked out, the hard way, is that they had their views and nothing will change it. I even told my brother a family secret which I had been carrying since I was 12, and it was something my mother did, but as he didn't want to believe that our mum was not the moral, perfect person he saw her as, the consequence was he shut me out and told me to never contact him again. Go figure!

Geez, I so get what you must be going through but due to stress overload of my own at the moment I can't get it out logically. I have been watching this thread and wanting to respond but am mentally drained.

While this sounds stupid, I found some peace in realising that they may never have to live with the consequences of what they have done due to their denial. The one thing they have lost is me and I think that is a loss for them and not for me. By letting go of trying to get them to understand and giving up I gave myself the freedom just to do what I want. Having nothing to do with them doesn't make my life any worse but doing so does....so you tell me?!

You know why I think you struggle to forgive yourself????......... because you did nothing wrong so how can you forgive that????

We all value you and if I can help you with computer via the www I will if it saves you calling your brother. Don't let them drag you down to their level - you are so much better than that!

 

[Deleted member 5760]

My sister is a problem for me too. If there is such a thing as black and white, plus and minus, OPPOSITES - that is my sister and I. We are about as different as 2 people can possibly be. But you know what - I've let it go, because - she knows the truth. She knows the truth. Maybe she is a little intimidated by the fact that I am willing to process it?

Possibly a lil bit fearful of what might come out of my mouth next?

You know what - that's not my problem. And that's not why I'm doing this. I'm not sitting in therapy to 'expose' anyone. I just wanna get on with my life and move forward. Am I hurt and disappointed that I haven't received more support on the way - absolutely. But if I pick up the phone and start screaming and pointing out some rather unpleasant facts it's only gonna raise my stress levels. Besides - I really don't need to point out what she already knows.

Probably best to look after yourself for the moment and be proud of the fact that you are indeed willing to heal. A lot of people don't have the courage to do that

-Jen

 

[Deleted member 541]

You know why I think you struggle to forgive yourself????......... because you did nothing wrong so how can you forgive that????

The fact is Nicolette, that I too engaged in some of these behaviors. I had an affair when I was married, just before I got a divorce. I drank, I did drugs, I was abusive to my daughter(as were some of my siblings to their children) I had men in and out of my life after my divorce, I was a party girl while raising my daughter......Ect, ect... But, you are right, as is Lisa, I admit to my failings and faults, I acknowledge them, I try to work on these issues every stinking day of my life, to become a better person... And yet, my family/daughter just think that they are ABOVE what they have done, who they are, and continue to see me as the sicko, the weirdo, and the mental case.

Yet, I have forgiven them for what they have done to me. They too, were victims in their childhood also, and grew up with the same abuse that I did. I just don't understand why it is, that I can forgive and yet they can't. Makes me feel less than human. I guess I will struggle with this until I die. Because honestly I don't comprehend how family can treat each other like this. Yet, I know that they can. It doesn't take the hurt away, or make it any less though......

Thanks for the offer to help fix my computer with me. I got 99% of the issues resolved, and still working on the last one. I did it all by myself... I figured out what was wrong and fixed it.....With no help from my brother. Actually what he suggested and wanted to charge me for was to reformat my hard drive. I made a suggestion for what I THOUGHT would resolve the issue, without wiping my computer clean and doing a Windows reinstall..... He said, "It MIGHT work, but I think my way is the way to go, as I am a tech." WELL, MY WAY WORKED just fine and saved me the $150 he was going to charge me for doing a favor........

But thanks for the offer...it made my day!!!!!

 

[Nicolette]

Ok Wendy, let's look at this logically.

• You made some mistakes and did some bad things yes - but you have changed your ways and tried to mend some of those wrongs you could like your relationship with Deb.
• You say you try every day to become a better person - that is commendable and your family members are not demonstrating any such actions so they are stuck in a cycle of abuse/bad behaviour whatever.
• I don't think you need to make excuses for their behaviour - yes they were abused too however they had the same choices as you and that is to break the cycle which they didn't. To have the strength to do that is more than it takes to continue living in denial with "I was abused" as excuse. This actually demonstrates how much stronger you are than them.
• I think people can't forgive when they are stuck in either their own hurt, denial or inability/desire to change their lives. While their forgiveness is what you are seeking it doesn't change anything for you. Your healing comes from you forgiving yourself and not them. What they say or do or think doesn't matter when you are the one who has to live with the consequences of your decisions. Set yourself free. I spent 30+ years just wanting my mum to love me for who I was and it never happened. The only time I heard those words they came with a double edged sword so I came to the conclusion that she cannot be what I want her to be and I was only hurting myself hanging on to that hope that one day it would change.

Wendy, be kinder to yourself as you really are a good person who is trying hard. You can only do your best and we all screw up sometimes. It's what we do with those mistakes that defines us!

 

[Deleted member 541]

Intellectually and logically I understand all of what you said Nicolette. I really do. I think it's now the just the head & heart thing going on....I didn't talk to anyone of them for almost 7 years, and yes things were ok. I reached out to my brother a few months ago when I was talking to Debbie. I had hope that after the passing of time, with Deb in my life, that things would/could be different.

It's obvious they aren't, and also painfully obvious that my family is still stuck at pointing fingers, and failing to acknowledge and take responsibility for their actions. I just don't need this kind of crap in my life, as I am still working on me and my recovery....