Piecing things together

[HealingMama]

Ugh I can't include a quote and a link. It's messed up my post three times. Trying again. Reading an article on Psych Central called Delusions of the Codependent. It really rings true how much of my current relationship issues are tied to codependency.

Codependents have an overdeveloped belief in their own power to produce results in other people’s beliefs, attitudes, and behavior. This is one of the fundamental symptoms of codependency.

I have never heard anyone talk about that but it's true for me. I often do effect change in others, inspire them, or they come to me for an opinion and seem to appreciate what I have to say. My friends value my perspective. I have an internal locus of control and I guess I think just as I can make things happen in my life I can also make things happen in the parts of my life that intersect with other people. This is where my controlling behavior comes from.

I got unfairly irritated with my son last night because he wanted to deviate from the bedtime routine. I don't tolerate that well, mostly because I'm so sick i need proper self care time. But also because of this stuff i guess. I wasn't mean to him or anything but I'm quick to say we can either do abc step of the bedtime routine or I can go ahead and turn the lights out and go, what's your choice.

Codependents work harder on the relationship than their partners. They stay past the prime point much longer. Because I have this stupid belief that if I just share the right information or share the pain and fear I'm feeling the other person will magically care enough to do something about it. If that was going to happen there would have been a lot more progress by now and I wouldn't be repeating myself.

Codependents are deficient in self love. I feel like I've been a bad person in my relationship, because I've made my partner responsible for my emotions just as I was made responsible for my mother's emotions. If I loved myself enough i would focus on me, not him. Lately I've been detaching because I can't afford the stress anymore but the dynamic of codependent focusing on others is still there.

My husband is also codependent on me because I've got my own dysfunction going on. I think that is part of why he used to seem to visibly enjoy when my condition made me bedridden. He needs to be needed so bad. I worked on that a lot, I don't want a project, but I guess subconsciously I still do. Ugh.

 

[HealingMama]

Thinking more about divorce and it occurs to me that nobody is going to want to date a sick lady with a kid. That might be a false belief but society tells you things like that.

I think I'd rather be lonely and have peace and stability than be partnered but have chaos and power struggles. I can pay for long term care insurance. When I'm not partnered I do a lot more with my social groups. I can strengthen community. I won't be as alone as I think.

There's been a couple of moments so far this weekend where I thought I wish I had someone here to tag in, but it's mostly been fine. I'm ready to be single and potentially an unwanted single mother with a chronic illness. Because I think getting out of this relationship will give me some of my health back.

I need things that he can't give, and I need other things that he won't give, but because I've wrongly threatened divorce before it's a cry wolf thing and he doesn't take me seriously.

There are many things that I've done wrong here. He loves to say that he supported me through 5 years of me acting out my stuff, and I've bought that story, but I think he's leaving out the part where he was putting me through lots of traumatic situations, and unemployed, and things finally got better when I got this better paying job.

There are women out there that don't freak out when their partners become unemployed and take months to find something. I don't understand how they can tolerate the situation unless they have savings. My mother not remarrying after my dad died means I haven't seen how men and women make marriages work. I don't know how to do it without feeding the male ego and I don't want to do that. I don't need my ego fed to do what I'm supposed to do.

They say we choose a partner at the same level of dysfunction. I would like to think that I have gotten healthier. Maybe that is a lie. I don't know if I can tell my level of psychological health as long as I'm in such an unpredictable relationship.

I messaged the ex wife once, I guess after one of the traumatic events my husband put me through that I haven't talked about here. She said of the 11 years they were together, if she wasn't dealing with something challenging from his end, shs was trying to heal from the most recent one.

I guess I say that to make me feel better that this situation isn't normal, and there's things here that I can't do anything about. And if I'd accepted that when it first became apparent I would have had my child single.

I don't know that it is fair to either of us to stay together because I don't know how to accept his particular combination of issues that he can't help and the ways he chooses to manage them. And the codependent in me tries to control the situation. I can't make him change. Even the folks on the ADHD subreddit when I've posted for advice have said he's responsible for managing his condition, and it seems that he is unwilling to.

He spent his whole life with others demanding change. It is understandable he just wants to be accepted as he is. I can't do that as long as his consequences are tied so intimately into my own life. But he should be able to get that somewhere.

Heh, speaking of codependent, I use so much of this diary to talk about him and his issues. Let me talk about mine. Anxiety has made me controlling. Codependency has made me try to manage the unmanageable. My anxiety has made me verbally abusive. I haven't been abusive as a matter of course in my relationships. I definitely have had a lot of power struggles here.

I definitely have gotten obsessive and fixated on fully addressing the wrongs before we move on and pretend nothing happened. Apparently that's not normal? It's normal to just say sorry and change the subject? Even for an issue of repeated betrayal, talking it through is dwelling on it? I don't know what is normal. I feel like if you talk it through to mutual understanding well enough the first time you're less likely to repeat it later but I guess I'm unusual in my thinking. If others reading want to weigh in on what is normal for resolving differences or whether you prefer to use one issue to dive deep to prevent it from repeating vs a cursory oops move on method, I would appreciate it. I wonder if this has any gender trends as well. Gottman's research would suggest since men get flooded faster they would be less inclined to want to sort through an issue verbally to a full sense of closure.

I'm trying to raise my son to be able to identify and manage his own emotions because there's a generation of men that weren't taught how. I'm sure I'll mess him up somehow, but this is an area that he should be good at.

 

[HealingMama]

My mother was very critical and controlling. I'm reading about toxic relationship and seeing the part that I've played in creating one due to carrying her unwanted legacy.

I wonder what else I should have done when he was unemployed for years, hadn't been proactively looking or getting treatment for his depression, the unemployment income was running out, we were about to have 4 more mouths to feed for a month on my 30k salary, and he wanted to spend hours playing board games. I don't want to be controlling. I want other people to control themselves and make decisions that consider the needs of the family unit. I used to get really mad at him for prioritizing fun over practical or financial contributions. I'm trying to understand how much of that is my control freak mother playing out in my own actions versus normal expectations to impose upon another adult. It's so hard to understand what actions of mine were warranted or understandable for the circumstances versus me being abusive.

 

[somerandomguy]

It's normal to just say sorry and change the subject?

I think there's a huge range of what "normal" is.

Even for an issue of repeated betrayal, talking it through is dwelling on it?

I think Gottman has written a lot of stuff about what "good couples" do - lots of stuff about forgiveness and repair. Although honestly I don't think his stuff is realistic for people that have trauma or that aren't neurotypical in every way.

 

[HealingMama]

I think there's a huge range of what "normal" is.

I think Gottman has written a lot of stuff about what "good couples" do - lots of stuff about forgiveness and repair. Although honestly I don't think his stuff is realistic for people that have trauma or that aren't neurotypical in every way.

Yeah, if you're dysregulated that throws off the dynamic for sure. I find forgiveness easier when there is proactive repair, but proactive is a tall order it seems.

 

[HealingMama]

Very sick, slept badly, i think my idea that I could handle single parenting the majority of the time was very wrong. My body is revolting. So how the hell do I remember that when I start thinking this way.

Why do I fixate on the negative events anyway. I think that's trauma related. Catch them before they catch me by surprise or something. Because surprise means surprise your dad's dead and he's never coming back.

 

[somerandomguy]

Why do I fixate on the negative events anyway. I think that's trauma related.

I strongly agree with this.

 

[Ronin]

My body is revolting.

What do you need to rest & relax & get back in shape, Mama?

That youre exhausted aint mean youre an unfit parent. Just a tired one. :)

 

[Sideways]

My body is revolting.

It would be an unusual person who could print out divorce papers and not be distressed by that. Be gentle with yourself, and patient. This decision is not urgent, and the solution may end up being something in the gray area between single and what you’re currently in now.

 

[siniang]

Would you be able to live physically apart for a while? Kind of as a trial run?

In my country, before you're allowed to file for divorce, you must have been "separated" (whatever that means) for at least one year.

This obviously involves a ton of other logistics, like finding new accomodations, moving, ... that are all majorly stressful in themselves. But it also may help to figure out if this is something you >really< want to do and would help ease your distress and (emotional) pain, or if there are other underlaying triggers.

Just a thought.

I'm sorry you're struggling so much :hug:

 

[HealingMama]

What do you need to rest & relax & get back in shape, Mama?

That youre exhausted aint mean youre an unfit parent. Just a tired one. :)

Thank you. Tired indeed. I'm going to try to get better sleep tonight. Cuddle my puppy. I work from home most of the day tomorrow so that will help. He comes back tomorrow. I will probably try to avoid him because I tend to want to discuss things he doesn't want to and it stresses us both out.

In my fear of being too sick to function, too sick to move, finally defeated and vulnerable I realize I missed him then found out he got my mother's car washed for her while he was in the area.

He's not a bad guy I just have shift attachment problems and valid ADHD related problems.

 

[HealingMama]

It would be an unusual person who could print out divorce papers and not be distressed by that. Be gentle with yourself, and patient. This decision is not urgent, and the solution may end up being something in the gray area between single and what you’re currently in now.

Thanks. It definitely feels urgent but you are right. I could see us maybe developing a mutually beneficial arrangement where we balance out the disabilities of each other but more as friends maybe. He's the kind of guy that would do that. Or used to be. I think I broke him ?