Uncomfortable making eye contact

[Warrior Chicken]

Eye contact is typically something I don’t notice, I can hold gaze, I look away when I don’t need to engage (hellos in the hall, pleasantries). If I need my gaze to guide others, let them know I’ve got them, they can rely on me, I’m safe, eye contact is functional. Because they don’t need to know I struggle, I have weaknesses, I falter....they need my gaze so they know I am confident and I can care for them.

When someone else wants to care for me, gives me space to be vulnerable? Nope, hell no. Can’t look at you. You’ll see it.

I am so careful and respectful of people who share their vulnerability with me cuz I know how hard that is. Give me that without words and just in your eyes? Shit, I will protect it no matter what. But I have trouble relinquishing that myself.

Does it help with healing if you can?

 

[Freida]

Does it help with healing if you can?

Eventually maybe? I think if avoidance is a shame reaction then getting to a point where you can talk/look at the same time means you are less ashamed of your story? So you have a chance to actually see their reaction, not fear it. I'm not there yet sooooo.... just guessing

 

[grit]

One of the signs of shame or embarrassment in humans and primates is covering the face. But also looking at each other is a sign of aggression or confrontation (I want to add it is also a sign of extreme vulnerability and loving when done certain way that is why lovers can look at each other for a long time) in both humans and apes....so is it possible you were too terrified to confront whoever abused you and in therapy you are falling or regressing back to that moment?

It is really interesting and amazing and progress you are making this distinction and it may be even more beneficial to share it with your therapist so you can benefit the meaning behind it and work through it to have a breakthrough. Recognizing is the first step. I want to add as well that if you are conscious you are avert to vulnerability, then by resisting the eye contact you are resisting (in fact) to progress in therapy...this is not a bad thing at all we only resist things that we believe will hurt bad but you are consciously noticing this so what do you do now is up to you not up to the therapist at all?

 

[Deleted member 36028]

yes especially starting out and not feeling comfortable. I think its related to trust as well as shame. My therapist raised it in passing and just said if that is what makes you feel more comfortable. So for now I am not really going to question it. I am not sure how much i hold eye contact in day to day life. I think its something I conciously have to do when trying to adult.

 

[Lucycat]

I find eye contact very difficult. When I was in therapy my T asked me to make eye contact one session. That was really challenging, but I got there and felt a big sense of achievement afterwards. Of course it is still an issue, but I know I can do it.
It saddens me when I hear people judging others on their eye contact or lack thereof. They have no concept of any of the possible reasons why - and these vary from behaviour, mental health and culture. Do not judge.

 

[Warrior Chicken]

Thanks everyone for your comments and own experience with eye contact. It’s amazing how something that makes you feel unusual as a human, when brought up here, makes so much sense to others and gives the sense of not being so alone with it.

For me, I’d say it’s tied to shame....I guess at the core of why I do it. When I noticed it recently i had a few things run thru my mind:
- you’re not invisible, compromised, danger
- fear that sensitive personal info will be used against me
- knowing that I’m committed to progressing in therapy so had to endure

I’ve used dissociation for a long time and think it might start with my vision. Maybe, the eye contact piece is a realization that I’m starting to dissociate but perhaps it’s just shame....or could be both?

Thinking ? hmmmm

 

[Ronin]

When someone else wants to care for me, gives me space to be vulnerable? Nope, hell no. Can’t look at you. You’ll see it.

I am so careful and respectful of people who share their vulnerability with me cuz I know how hard that is. Give me that without words and just in your eyes? Shit, I will protect it no matter what. But I have trouble relinquishing that myself.

Yep, that makes a world of sense.

Maybe think of it differently than own vulnerability/ or worse, needing to be protected :yuck: the f*ck even wants that? :sick:

But as giving them one less trouble to worry about? More things that are not an unknown hazard like feelings, so they wont be in the way? Trash it out and leave it kind of thing?

Granted, that also counts on trash it out & f*ck off ;) being normally understood thing / nobody will take it personally or as hard feels / to get to that point *takes* trust.

 

[susannahsays]

I don't like to even look in the therapist's direction at this point. I think I start feeling really vulnerable as soon as I walk into her office.

I don't have issues with eye contact outside of therapy.

She has brought up this issue before and it is something she wants me to work on. I asked her why it matters. I'm struggling to remember her answer. I do remember she said I push her away and don't let her get close to me. I think she may have said I hide from her. She has sometimes remonstrated with me when I've been particularly averse to looking at her or have angled my body completely away from her. I admit that I haven't been putting forth much effort into looking at her.

 

[shatter eyes]

Great thread. I had been wearing shades for long time in session, when i cry i take them off to wipe eyes, and earlier this year I think the session when i was talking about the forum community and Bellbird being "offline" I got animated moving my arms and asking T "you know what I mean?? Ya know?"..... i unintentionally took my shades off and he said something like "so thats how your eyes look like" then told me how seeing my eyes helped him understand more as he was able to feel more connected. Since that session I have taken my shades off more often. I feel safer with them but i take them off knowing that it can give T more info/signals.

I got light sensitivity from TBI my sessions are already dimmed and has curtains...plus shades ??.

When i am angered i can make eye contact otherwise I feel more comfortable letting my eyes dart around.

This thread helps me be mindful of my eyes in situation. Thanks @Warrior Chicken

 

[Warrior Chicken]

Had a T session yesterday and had written an email to prompt us to discuss eye contact. Thankful to have a T that lets me do that cuz once I’m in that room (like so many others I would guess) things don’t always go smoothly!

On the topic of eye contact, what I understood is that it’s a protective technique for me. I’m more aware of it now and it’s linked strongly to how I dissociate. If I’m good and triggered, eyes go, face goes flat (T told me) and then I’m gone.

That happened yesterday but I held on. Became curious about why i was doing it, not angry at myself (big step)! Then tried to focus on my eyes and where they were looking to stay present. T eventually moved to a different subject and I was able to come back for a bit, that’s cool!

So many have told me that the initial step in progressing is awareness. I hope others here are also able to hold onto focus and just be ok with the fact that sometimes eye contact doesn’t need to be something we force ourselves to do.

 

[oakleaves]

I have this problem. Only in therapy. I literally can't look at my therapist because I feel so horribly ashamed especially now he knows why I am there.

 

[AnxiousAmber]

I can very much relate to this. When I am emotional or reliving pain I can't even look my partner in the eye.